Help?

[ElBono]

Errrm - not really sure how to say this, I'm sure there've been a thousand and one threads like this and I may well get flamed for it but here goes anyway.

I have been wondering a lot recently about my sexuality, even when I was with my last girlfriend I couldn't help fantasising about being with a man, which was sometimes to the detriment of our sex life, and it's something I've fantasised about a lot over the years. Anyway - we broke up not so long back, and I've been seriously considering if I was gay - I've always just ignored my urges in the past but I'm really having a crisis of sexuality at the moment, which is bloody tormenting me.

I've never been with a man before & to be perfectly honest I'm rather scared! (sorry if this is laughable to some of you but it really is! ) I'm rather worried about going to any of the local gay venues as my Ex & her gay friends often frequent them & I'd like to keep this under wraps until I've decided either way.

I guess what I'm really asking is - how the hell do I resolve this? what the hell do i do?

Any help greatly appreciated!

ElBono

[fjp999]

Sounds to me like you are gay or at least very very curious.

If you had a girlfriend and was having sex with her and you were fantasizing about men and it disrupted your sex life then you are probably gay.

I dont know how to help you to come out but it really isnt all that bad for most especially these days.

If you believe that you need professional therapy maybe you can find a good gay group in your area and have some chats with them.

You can always post here but it is difficult for anyone on the internet to take you by the hand and pull you out of the closet.

Good luck and dont beat yourself up over your situation... it will happen when it is suppose to.
frank

[spotysocks]

I can understand how being unsure about your sexuality can torment you but you should take a deep breathe and tell to yourself that it doesnt really matter , your sexuality i mean. Fantasizing having sex with a man doesnt mean either you are gay or bi or straight. What it means is that you are in that phase of your life you need to experiment and discover more about yourself. Then you will at least make a step forward to self awareness which is what matters to collect a bit of happiness in your basket.

How to move forward on this? Since you want to keep this as discreet as possible for the time being at least, makes a bit more difficult. Start chatting to gay people on the internet is what i can think of as your best option. find someone in the same situation as you are (trust me i wont be too difficult to find!) and not too far from where you are would suit you i think perfectly. However i dont know how you want to do it. I mean if you want to arrange a hook up with some guy on the net then this is easy , if you want to socialize with like minded people and let the chemistry and the booze do the rest in your case and in Yorkshire would be kinda difficult. How about traveling for weekends ect?

Stick in this forum we often have people in the same situation as you that join every now and then. However if you want other gay sites more populated than this to have a look at then message me so i recommend you a few. Most of them are sexually orientated from fairly mildly to heavily... but ya know ,you can have your pick. This one here for example imo and not because i am using it or anything like that is a little forum with warm witty people and very welcoming either for friendship to start up or something more.

[marshlander]

Hi ElBono,

Welcome to GS. Yours is not an uncommon situation and please don't worry about being laughed at or being flamed for asking questions about what is clearly causing you some anxiety. Most of us have been there at some time (specially old codgers like me ). If some of the young men around here seem amazingly self-assured and confident, they are to be congratulated for their self-knowledge ... but I suspect some have also been through times of questioning.

Whether you are gay or not is something only you can decide. It's how you feel about yourself and the kind of relationships you have with others. As spoty mentioned there are a number of gay websites. This one is primarily a discussion forum, Gaydar is one of a number that are generally (but not exclusively) used for hooking up with other men for sex, while sites like Out in the UK focus on social activities in geographical regions and the members do actually organise events and activities. I assume you have already found the wherabouts of any number of porn sites

If you do want to find something happening in your area, but not too close to where you live at the moment, you might look to see if there is a glbt helpline, switchboard or friends group that offers telephone advice. Also the "scene" section on the Gay Times website seems to have dozens of listings for Yorkshire.

Personally, I think you would have to be quite brave to go into a gay pub by yourself for the first time. Unless you are very sociable and don't mind striking up conversations with strangers some places can feel quite intimidating. I made a point of visiting fairly regularly my local gay pub for at least a couple of years before I found the courage to talk to anyone. It was pathetic really, but that is me! Sadly, no one seemed to think that a man on his own might like to talk to someone else. Gradually I got to know people and now there are several who are very friendly. I also have the confidence now to talk to someone if I see them on their own and I hope they feel more welcome than I did. You might be able to shortcut this process if you were able to tap into a friendship group or even just find a friend to go with for the first few times.

You sound concerned about the prospect of being "with a man". Understandable again since it's new territory, but trust me, when you get to being with someone you won't really need a guidebook. You have a head start on most first-time hetero relationships since you are already on handshaking terms with the male physiology ... When it comes to getting physical I can't believe that anyone wouldn't enjoy sharing the joys with a newbie. If you both happen to be inexperienced it will be fun exploring together. Just remember, you have the right to go only as far as you want to. You are perfectly at liberty to say "No" at any time. Make sure you know about staying safe through safer sex. If you do strike up a friendship through an online facility there may come a time when you want to meet up for real. I'd recommend meeting in a public place where you might at least have a chance to talk and work out whether you want to go somewhere more private. It's less easy to back out of an assignation if you agree the first meeting should be at his isolated place in the middle of the moors at midnight.

Anyway, I hope something there may be useful. Stay around and write some more. We don't bite ... unless specially asked to

Regards

[lynx]

I believe, it's much better to try than be upset doing nothing and having doubts. Nobody will solve this... except you! When I was 18-20yo, I have had a lot of such discussions with my friends being not gays but having fantasies and... mmm.. suspicions that they are too )) Sometimes, for really straight guys, it is quite enough just watch gay-porn, or something that... being Gay is not just to have one-time sexual experience but is to Love your Boyfriend, have respect for him and trust him.
So, it depends from you - if you do not feel that guy can excite such feelings and aren't sure that you can love a guy - just try to have a one-time sex with somebody. You will have fun at least and a subuject to thing about your sexuality...
As for your fear to begin such relationships... See you I do not know anybody who has had no such fear... But it is just fear of the unknown. Anyway, what can you loose with this experience? I believe - N-o-t-h-i-n-g! So, keeping this thing in my mind always helps me to do something having doubts about "to do / or not to do". Just imagine the worse and you will see that it is not so horrible! And have fun with new senses!

[boy_toy_08]

You could be bisexual...?

Well if she can go into gay clubs without being called a lesbain...why can't you!

You should just try it out with someone...don't worry!

[princealbertofb]

You could be bisexual...?

Well if she can go into gay clubs without being called a lesbain...why can't you!

You should just try it out with someone...don't worry!

I think he's broken up with the girlfriend, Robbie, so now he's got no one to go with, and that's his problem... isn't it?

[boy_toy_08]

I think he's broken up with the girlfriend, Robbie, so now he's got no one to go with, and that's his problem... isn't it?

Couldn't he just lie and say he's with a mate? Maybe try making sure she wont be out a particular night?