What do you think?

[Ross]

Hello. I first discovered I was attracted to boys when I was 12, I think. But until 3 years ago I had never been much interested in boys around my age. I was mostly attracted to older men (age range between 20-35 I guess; this has always bothered me: I was really young (12/13), so why didn't I feel mostly attracted to boys around my age? It didn't seem normal to me). I started feeling attracted to boys my age about 3 years ago, when I was 15. I've never had any kind of relationship or anything with a boy. I've only had one girlfriend, and it was years ago. I've never felt attracted to that girl, and I didn't really had feelings for her. We were more like good friends, if that makes sense. But I was really young, so it's hard to conclude anything.

Now, I'm 18 and I'm 100% sure I'm attracted to men. I accept that and I actually like that part of myself. I don't feel like it's a bad thing at all. If it was possible for me to become straight, I wouldn't do it - that's how I feel about it. The only thing that's not so good is the fact that I'm not capable of sharing that with anyone, and I guess that will always be a big issue. I still prefer older men (now it doesn't bother me at all, I think it is normal, right?), but I also feel very attracted to boys my age. I not only am sexually attracted to men, but I also imagine myself in a romantic relationship with them. Marrying, having kids, and all that stuff with a man seem natural and something I would like to do.
I don't feel like it's possible for me to fall in love with a girl, but I'm not sure. I guess it may happen, but I think it's highly unlikely. When I imagine myself marrying a woman and all that, most of the time it doesn't feel like something I would like to do, it doesn't feel the right thing for me. But sometimes I feel attracted to women, almost never my age (if I think of a sexual encounter with a woman, for example, I will feel aroused), but this rarely happens. And although it may not seem like a big issue, it kind of bothers me that this happens because one day I feel attracted to a woman and I think that I'm probably bisexual, and the next day I doesn't fell the same thing: it probably won't feel right that I felt attracted to that woman and I'll probably think "So, I guess I'm gay after all.". And it's been like that for the past three years.

Sometimes I think this probably happens because I haven't truly accepted myself and/or because I don't want myself to be just gay, even though I accept it, because that will be complicated - I will not be able to be in a relationship with a woman, which means I will definitely have to come out if I want to be with a man, and that scares me a little bit. I can say I have a type of guy, but with girls that doesn't happen - I can't identify what I like most in a woman's body, for example. I guess I can say 95% of the time I'm attracted to men, I don't feel anything when thinking about women. And then this rare things happen and I get very confused and worried that I will never be completely sure about my sexual orientation. And when it happens, I feel like I would prefer to be just gay, because that's the part that feels right, and the part of myself that I truly like. When I feel attracted to a woman I kind of wish I wouldn't (I don't even know if that makes sense). I don't understand these feelings.

I don't know if you can understand what I'm saying, or if I explained it well, because this is very difficult for me to put into words. But what do you think about this? Have you ever felt like I do? Do you think it's possible that I'm bisexual?

I appreciate any kind of help/advice.

[Geminize]

Welcome, Ross. Of course it's possible that you're bi, but you sound more gay to me. Only you can answer that one for sure, and it may take you some time. My advice for someone your age is to let yourself be attracted to who you feel attracted to, create friendships when you can, and develop those friendships into more when it feels like your feelings are returned.

I'm unclear when you say you're "not capable of sharing that with anyone." Do you mean you're not ready to come out with anyone? If so, that definitely makes things more challenging. Not that you're the first in that situation.

Life is complicated enough whether you're gay, bi or straight, so you might as well accept yourself for who you are and remove that complication! Easy to say, I know, but there it is. Remember you don't have to label yourself or accept anyone else's label for you. You might consider yourself gay then meet a woman and fall deeply in love with her. Love doesn't know labels.

[Ross]

Thank you for your advice.

When I said "I'm not capable of sharing that with anyone" I meant I've thought about coming out but I'm afraid to do it. I don't have the courage to share that part of me with anyone.

Sometimes I think like that: let's just see how it goes. But sometimes I feel so confused that I just need something clear, something certain.

[TimeSage]

You're either gay, leaning twords bi, or bi with a preferance for men. Don't overthink and just follow your heart when it comes to love. Labels are for boxes, not people.

[Kumuo]

Watever u feeling are real. My advice to u is to be honest with urself
first, look at wat u want in life. Sexually u can be Bi, but search ur heart and love the sex that makes u happy

[cardiganwearer]

You have feelings you don't fully understand, that's normal. You can write four coherent paragraphs about them, that's a bit unusual. You've obviously got the capacity to observe and analyse your own emotional state, that's good and sadly a bit rare.

You'll probably never reach any solid conclusions, there's no point in life where it all snaps into focus. It gets a bit clearer as you get older, but by the time you get a handle on it, it may be too late. Best decide on a guiding principle and not over think the rest. Such a principle might be but isn't limited to, try to do no harm. It's what most people aim for and most of us fail. The trick is to recognise damage when we cause it and not to abandon the principle or start to apply it differentially when it turns out we have done some damage.

So, for instance, if you have feelings for women, or think you may, have a fling with one. Both be clear what it is, don't get married and have kids on the off chance.

Let's hope the worst thing you have to cope with is listening to nebulous tosh from people like me.

[Ross]

Thank you all
I know what you mean. It's easier if I think like that. But sometimes I imagine what it'll be like when I come out. I don't know what I'll say to my family/friends. If I say I like men, but sometimes I also have a thing for women, but I'm mostly attracted to men, so it's not like I'm bisexual, they won't understand. And I know you'll probably going to say it's not that important that they understand, as long as they accept it (which seems unlikely), but I feel like it is.

cardiganwearer: That's something I would never do. Unless I'm sure I like/have feelings for women, I'm never going to marry, have kids or even have a serious relationship because if I'm not sure, I'll most certainly going to hurt their feelings and it's not fair. If it doesn't feel right, or if I feel like I won't be happy, I won't do it.

This is probably going to get a bit clearer after I have something with a girl, if I feel like I may have feelings for her, like you said. Now that I'm older it's probably going to be easier to understand what I feel. I don't know.

It's not tosh. It was very helpful. Thank you

[TimeSage]

Thank you all
I know what you mean. It's easier if I think like that. But sometimes I imagine what it'll be like when I come out. I don't know what I'll say to my family/friends. If I say I like men, but sometimes I also have a thing for women, but I'm mostly attracted to men, so it's not like I'm bisexual, they won't understand. And I know you'll probably going to say it's not that important that they understand, as long as they accept it (which seems unlikely), but I feel like it is.

cardiganwearer: That's something I would never do. Unless I'm sure I like/have feelings for women, I'm never going to marry, have kids or even have a serious relationship because if I'm not sure, I'll most certainly going to hurt their feelings and it's not fair. If it doesn't feel right, or if I feel like I won't be happy, I won't do it.

This is probably going to get a bit clearer after I have something with a girl, if I feel like I may have feelings for her, like you said. Now that I'm older it's probably going to be easier to understand what I feel. I don't know.

It's not tosh. It was very helpful. Thank you

Does it matter if they understand though?

[Ross]

I think if they don't understand they won't take it seriously (mainly my family), because they will most likely think it's just a phase. I think it would be easier for them to understand me if it was something clear. One day I may be able to say "I'm gay" or "I'm bisexual" but if not, the process of coming out will be more difficult, I think. Or It's probably going to be the same thing and I'm just complicating everything. :redface: