Boyfriend moved out

[Rerun]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for and posting on a forum is a first for me...I guess some outside insight or advice would be good.

First the back story...My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months now. Everything happened kind of suddenly and took me by surprise. He moved in with me almost immediately and in most circumstances its almost too soon (I mean about 3 weeks into dating) - but he was struggling with with his life and at the end of the day I wanted him around. I knew from day one that I had fallen in love.

He has a very dark past - he's lived with abusive relationships all his life and the past few years have his life had him and still do have him really down. He had gotten out of an abusive relationship and moved back home shortly before we met. He was still getting over a heavy meth addiction and coming to terms with contracting HIV, all within the past year. Not having HIV myself, his status does not concern because I really feel I'm truly in love with this guy.

Over the past few months we've been working at getting him healthy and happier - he started the medication, we've got him on ODSP for now, and all was going relatively well - it was a bit of a struggle for both of us, but we were on the right track. We just moved into a new apartment on the 1st of the month, he was getting counselling, things were great. When we moved into the new place he was ecstatic saying that this was his first "home" and that his mom was proud of him...

Last Sunday, after we had a spat, he informed me that he was moving back in with his mother. We talked for a good two hours before he left, both of us crying the whole time...Ive never wanted to cling onto something so hard for fear of losing it.

Since the day we've met he's carried around a lot of guilt about his past. I've been supportive and reassuring - but I think it became too much for him to handle. He's always had a fear of me leaving him - and on several occasions it would put him to tears he was so afraid. It put me in situation where I felt I could never be quiet, upset or mad about anything because he would feel this way, even if it had nothing to do with him. He is constantly anxious about this about really ashamed about his past - it absolutely breaks my heart. I've always been supportive and tried to encourage him to talk to friends, keep his mind occupied..but I can't control how he's feeling.

He said that him leaving wasn't really me but that he had to move back home to be more independent and deal with what he's feeling. We're still together, but this week has been the hardest week I've had to endure.

My mind can't help with spin with every possibility. He's been a little distant and a little cold since then - so we talked the other night and I asked point blank if he still loved me and he drew blank. He said he didn't know how he was feeling right now and was very confused about everything. The conversation turned a little more positive that our relationship should just try to "be" - which I agree with. Nothing since we've met has ever been forced, everything has come naturally. He still wants to be with me and this is what I'm trying to focus on, but my mind can't help but run a mile a minute. I felt like I was holding on to something that might not be there and wanted to get what was on his mind - couldnt. So afterwards we laughed..had a good chat and called in a night.

Throughout the week I was pushing to keep the conversation going - about anything. He wasn't really texting me unless I texted him first - and if he responded it would be at least an hour afterwards and just appeared very cold. I decided to take a step back yesterday - I don't want to be distant and as much as I want to see/talk to him I felt it might be best to let it be. In the past, we used to communicate all the time, sending eachother cute little messages throughout the day - this kinda came to a halt on Sunday night.

He did text me a cute little message yesterday and said he hopes I'm doing okay. I left it for a few hours - I sent him one when I got home saying my phone died and was just getting in, heading to bed. He said goodnight, xoxo, and that he loved me. Its the first time this week he's said he's loved me without me saying it first.

Am I right in taking this step back? Should I give him a chance to miss me?

I've never been so lost and confused and heartbroken my entire life. Deep down, this is the man I want to marry and spend my life with - this has been very trying and each day gets a little better but waking up in the morning without him is hard. I've spent the week upset and crying - my body completely giving out on me. I've been much better the past two days, but I can't deny myself being upset..being heartbroken.

I've googled situations like this but everyone is different, so its hard to find some direction on what to do...any advice would be appreciated.

[Udabar]

Well first off I have to say that your relationship moved WAY to quick. I have been in relationships where we were dating for a short time and then things would go wrong for them so I would just move them in with me and thats when everything would just spiral down hill.

I can see that he has a lot going on in his life and there is a lot for him to yet take in and deal with. I can see how he would be so distant from reality right now. People always have a safe place to go in their minds and when things turn bad in their lives, this is a place they like to go. They will just sit around and seem like they arent even on planet earth anymore.

Taking a step back from the entire relationship and letting him have some space at this time and think about the things in his life is a good thing. This will let him plan his next move in life and how he is going to deal with the burdens he has. Then again, you also have to watch him closely since he has a history with drugs. If he is trying to recover from a meth addiction and has a lot of these issues going on, he might just turn to it again to make it all go away, in his mind. This is where he will need your love and support the most to keep him away from the temptations.

I wish you luck.

[MisterTinkles]

EVERYTHING you are going through now (minus the emotional states) should have been done PREVIOUS to making any kind of moves...whether it was emotional or physical.

As Ive stated in many other threads about similar subjects, you HAVE to get to know each other first. You have to become friends before you can become anything else. This is why almost ALL gay relationships end very quickly and very emotionally. Nobody takes the time to get to know the other person first.

Fast actions make for fast problems.


As they saying goes, "You never really know a person unless you live with them".

[Rerun]

Thanks for the replies.

Understood that moving in together happened too quick and I've never done something like that before. It just sort of ended up happening and I would do it again. Living together was never an issue - we got along great - bickered occasionally, but who doesn't - I like my space but had no problems with him being around. The living arrangements weren't why he left

Early on we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. As mushy and naive as they may sound.

I miss him like crazy. I feel a little lost without having him around. I know him moving out isnt the end out relationship - but I can't help but be sad.

[HomeagainNYC]

From my own experience, with people who have wounds that run deep, there is nothing logical that you will be able to draw on, at the moment, regarding your boyfriends sudden behavior.

You want to stay the course in your relationship, but, based on this recent behavior you don't know where you stand - extremely upsetting and confusing for you, and a tough place to be in; I bet your boyfriend, feels the same way too. He needs to determine if he wants to stay the course as well.

Stepping back will give you a better vantage point, to assess how/if you want to move forward; it will also afford him the same opportunity. If it's meant to be - a break will not change that fact.

If it makes you feel any better, your boyfriend probably doesn't know, himself, how he is feeling about things, either. It's sad, but often true, that people who've come from a dark place have a lot of trouble accepting the, good things, when they appear. Their behavior can be fractured and very unpredictable; emotions, can and do, easily overwhelm. Fear/guilt and feeling of unworthiness are sometimes, worse enemies for them, than the past itself.

At this point he may not be able to be consistent in his behavior, or feeling, but you can. For your sake, remaining true to yourself and you own values, should go a long way to help you - assess/reassess. Please be careful.

[Rerun]

^^ thank you. I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. It's a tough spot to be in - but I've never had a fear of losing anyone.

My minds gone back and forth about the possibility of it not working out and having to move on. I can't honestly see myself with anyone else. It hurts me to even think about it as a possibility. But I need to stay focused on the positive things. It would be easier just to be mad...but I've never wanted to fight so hard for something.

I've never been so lost. It's awful

[dfiant]

Too many 'I' s in your original post.

I'm just saying.