Sexually frustrated

[archubbycub]

I'm needing some advice guys. My BF and I are really close and I'm wanting to bottom for him so bad even though I consider myself more of a top. The problem is, the last couple of times we've tried it, just as we're getting ready, he has lost his erection. And while I try to be supportive of him, I'm starting to think it's something I'm doing to turn him off. I know it's frustrating for him, but it's frustrating for me too. What can I do to help him?

[Armandork]

Maybe ask him what he specifically likes? Play it more for him, and if all else fails there are pills to keep it up, they regulate blood flow ectra.

[Liam]

There was also a post here on GS about a guy that said he is a total bottom but wanted to start trying topping.
Maybe he is also a total bottom and topping is not exactly something that he likes, and that's why he loses his erection. But you can always try to stimulate him or use pills, like the comment above suggests.

[LateBloomer]

Definitely start with a search on this website about losing erections...performance anxiety...and what I call "spectating". I've written about this a couple times.

If you search and still have questions feel free to follow up.

Basically it's mostly in the head (the big one) and once the person is in the right frame of mind he'll be able to complete the task.

Good luck, Keep us posted.

[archubbycub]

Thanks guys. I definietly mean to talk to him about it. I just don't want hurt his feelings. Although we've only been together 6 months, he's never had a problem with it before. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it?

[archubbycub]

Ok so my BF and I had a talk about it. He said that it wasn't anything that I was or wasn't doing. He said it's happened to him before and that probably it has to do with smoking cigarettes, something we both are wanting to quit actually. All in all it was a good talk and we're both glad we had it before it caused any further problems between the two of us.

[Counselor]

You didn't mention cigarettes before, but be careful the first few weeks after quitting, the libido is ridiculous at that point.

[archubbycub]

Yeah I didn't think the smoking had any effect. It's never been a problem for me.

[MisterLove]

[...] The problem is, the last couple of times we've tried it, just as we're getting ready, he has lost his erection. [...]

This seems to be a case of sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety is extremely common, esp. among young men, and I actually suffered from a similar thing (coital anxiety, i.e. losing my erection just before penetration) for many years until I decided to do something about it.

My biggest mistake: I never saw this as a medical problem, I just thought it was a normal thing and I simply wasn't good enough in bed. I was wrong. This is a medical condition and should be treated.

There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit anxious before sex but sometimes adrenaline and other chemicals can constrict peripheral blood circulation (fight or flight response) and prevent an erection. And it's perfectly normal to lose your erection every now and then, that's not ED.

The good news: sexual performance anxiety is easily treatable.

A few tips you may find helpful:

1. Do A LOT of research on the subject of sexual health and psychogenic ED. Read books (I recommend the books of Tom F. Lue, a brilliant urologist), talk to doctors, search the web. Knowledge is power. The more you know about this problem, the more helpful you can be.

2. Talking doesn't always help. You're a man too, so you know that this is an extremely delicate subject for us, guys. Subtlety and discretion are mandatory, there are many other ways to be supportive and helpful.

3. A warm shower before sex can do wonders. It will relax you and dilate the blood vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection.

4. If the problem persists, go see a doctor (urologist). It's no shame to seek professional help and self medication is always a risk. Even if this is just psychological, a urologist will be able to help you.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

[archubbycub]

I'm really starting to think the problem is with me or something I'm doing or not doing. We were trying just a bit ago and he got to going in just a little too fast and when I told him to slow down and back off a bit he immediately lost his erection!! I tried my best not to let it bother me but it's just frustrating. And I know it's frustrating for him too cause I can see it in his expressions and hear it in his voice.