Fingering & Sex Issue

[CTD89]

Hey guys,

My BF of 7 months and I have never had sex. He's a virgin, I am not, although I wouldn't say I'm the most experienced guy in the bedroom ever.

My BF has trust issues (not in terms of him thinking I'm gonna cheat on him), just in general. He lost his youngest brother at a very early age - and this definitely impacts when and if he has strong feelings towards anyone. He has strong feelings for me, but there was a stage where he seemed... afraid to do so.

I only bring this up because I think it is having an impact now. For awhile, we seemed to be having an issue with sex because of the lube. He was complaining of a "stinging" issue. However, he took one of the lubes home and played himself and he had no issue. However, Whenever I try to stick my finger in there though it either 1. stings or 2. he gets extremely worried it is going to.

Now when I even go DOWN in that area, he goes from hard to soft, and the mood is completely killed for at least 10 minutes. When I go down there, I'm just trying to warm up his body to the idea of ANYTHING being down there, but lately it's doing quite the opposite.

I personally tell him he really needs to relax, not tighten up when I'm down there, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I'm very frustrated now and don't know how to fix it. When I do finger him, I'm not even going that deep.

Having him finger himself to the point where I can have sex with him is one idea, although not idea.

I'm willing to listen to ideas! Or just opinions of any kind!

[Udabar]

Well there are two things I have to say.
1. He is just a pure top and doesnt want to do anything with his ass
2. They make lube that will numb his hole so he wont feel anything. You can try that with him and see how that works out. It sure will take away the stinging and after awhile, if he agrees to use it, his body will be used to the girth of you and he wont feel anything without the lube.

[dfiant]

I have never trusted anyone in those parts since I was raped when I was 13.

I'm not saying that his problem is the same reason, but what I am saying there are some people who will never let anyone else behind and that is a very difficult thing to change.

Perhaps his anxiety is born from trying to please you and the fear of pain. Anxiety is the biggest killer.

Try find other ways to arouse him and 'warm him up' and let him now that it really isn't that important, because the most important thing is you have each other.

[Counselor]

Did you remove your acrylic nails?

Teasing.

The bf sounds like he is sensitive to penetration, and really the only suggestion I would make is to let him practice with a small, soft toy to get used to the sensation. This serves two purposes, the first being he won't be probing with his own finger, which gives him WAY more control over the play (they aren't called foreign objects for nothing), and also gives him a bit of a stretch.

Also, it can be scary to let someone do that, even with someone you trust won't hurt you on purpose, and especially if you haven't bottomed before. Be patient with him.

[LateBloomer]

With Dfiant I also thought about possible sexual abuse in the past.

And with Counselor, I agree you're gonna need a ton of patience.

But here's an idea. I always like to turn the tables on people. Let HIM play with YOU.

The idea is, let him show you what he's comfortable with. You have to agree to do the same exact thing he's demonstrating for you.

Get it? He might be anxious and not full of trust because he doesn't know what the hell you're gonna do next!! Let him show you what to do.

It might be fun.
Good luck.
Let us know how it goes.

[rmf]

My reading your post it seems like you are trying to force him into having sex. Is he, 100% sure he's not a top?

[Undreamt]

some people can if issues with fingering, even a little bit of nail can be too much, try things other than you hands. I'm sure you can think of something...

[CTD89]

With Dfiant I also thought about possible sexual abuse in the past.

And with Counselor, I agree you're gonna need a ton of patience.

But here's an idea. I always like to turn the tables on people. Let HIM play with YOU.

The idea is, let him show you what he's comfortable with. You have to agree to do the same exact thing he's demonstrating for you.

Get it? He might be anxious and not full of trust because he doesn't know what the hell you're gonna do next!! Let him show you what to do.

It might be fun.
Good luck.
Let us know how it goes.

He can finger me plenty and I have no issues with it. And he does.

[CTD89]

I have never trusted anyone in those parts since I was raped when I was 13.

I'm not saying that his problem is the same reason, but what I am saying there are some people who will never let anyone else behind and that is a very difficult thing to change.

Perhaps his anxiety is born from trying to please you and the fear of pain. Anxiety is the biggest killer.

Try find other ways to arouse him and 'warm him up' and let him now that it really isn't that important, because the most important thing is you have each other.

I try to warm him up in other ways. I guess I'll just be warming him up without touching his butt at all.

And, honestly, of course we have each other but I'd be lying to him at this point if I said it didn't matter to me. Sex is important and crucial for every relationship.

I've unsuccessfully bottomed for him in the past, mostly because he isn't able to stay hard for as long as it can take to get that all going, as I'm pretty tight too.

Goes back to him thinking too much about everything in bed. It's a major inhibiter.

[CTD89]

My reading your post it seems like you are trying to force him into having sex. Is he, 100% sure he's not a top?

We'd like to both be versatile, but he thinks he's more of a bottom and he wants to bottom for me.