A Shameless Cry for Attention

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My 20's were the best years of my life... when I was in my twenties. Then my 30's were my best years for when I was in my 30's... etc. I kind of look forward to my 50's with anticipation and hope that those will be the best years of my life... for my 50's.

Those years came with their individual hardships and 'troubles'. Trust me, oceans of alcohol and mountains of meth were not all fun and games, there was a lot of hard work ad drudgery attached to doing all of that partying. :eek:

There was a time in my life I got all caught up in the pursuit of happiness. Boy that was a mistake. I was so busy trying to be happy all the time I forgot to be contented (sated/satisfied).

I sought happiness in the strangest of places, alcohol, drugs, other people... It wasn't until my 30th year on earth that I started getting the basic idea that happiness (contentment really, perpetual happiness is called mania) come from within, not from without.

In truth I hate my 20's. I was so young, dumb and full of... shit... yeah that other stuff too. I wasted those years pursing a lot of the wrong things, but I was just a kid who grew up in a world that places a lot of importance on the wrong things, thus had a skewed understanding of what being an adult means. Its not until I did the adult thing for a few years (about a decade) that I learned what it really is all about.

We all make mistakes and piss away a lot of time. Its the process of being human, perhaps is the defining thing that makes us human. It is all part of the learning experience, everything is a lesson and what we choose to take from it and how we use that experience later in life defines us and makes us better (or worse) people.

People who smile on the outside all the time are usually crying on the inside. Just because a person looks happy doesn't mean they really are. The majority are just good at crafting the happy face mask.

Yes as a matter of fact there was a time when I felt I just had to save the world in order to be a person of value... I later learned that I don't need to save the whole world, just myself and if I am lucky a couple three others along the way.

I am at peace with myself today. No I am not at peace with the world, fuck them - fuck them all with the barrel of a shotgun! LOL

I do have inner peace and it wasn't easy to win that, I had to make a lot of mistakes, travel down a lot of rocky roads and visit a lot of terrible places before I got it in my head how to be at peace with Self.

I think that is what our first decade of adulthood is really about, the discovery of who 'I' am (you for you, me for me, he for him, She for her, etc). Understand it ain't gonna be easy, you have to plow through a lot of the world's crap and sewage and sort through ugly and terrible things to find the gems. You also have to deal with other people and their pursuit of their own self discovery which is often going to be more of a mess than dealing with your own crap.

Which is one reason why you should learn from the mistakes of others, their crap is always so much more interesting - besides, there is no way on earth you will live long enough to make all the possible mistakes yourself.

As for this facebook fella... I bet he is more miserable than you are, but lives in denial about it and most likely is pissing away a larger chunk of life pretending to have his crap together and being happy. While you will achieve contentment by age 30 (or at least a solid idea of who 'I' is), he most likely is so far in denial he will have to wait until his midlife crises to get the right lessons.

You are doing fine - perhaps better than others because you at least acknowledge you have 'issues'...

[Wade]

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful words. Reading what I wrote today with slightly more sober eyes I'm a tad embarrassed, but not much. I did after all post it! Last night I met with a friend who I haven't seen for years, and he said some things to me that I didn't really want to hear, and it led to the emotional downward spiral you see above.

You ever have someone figure out exactly what you're most ashamed of, what you're most unwilling to admit and the thing that you spend most of your energy running away from, and that person takes it and shoves it in your face until you can't look away? That's kind of what happened.

It felt good to purge last night. And it feels very nice to read the very nice, sanity inducing, things y'all wrote above (y'all? Where the hell did that come from?).

A bizarre full circle moment occurred about an hour ago:

I had coffee with a guy who's in one of my classes this morning after we took a big test together (strictly a heterosexual cup of coffee it was). This is first time I've spent any amount of time with someone in the music dept. here. He's 18, and very 18 (some 18 year olds are 60 year olds... old fucks as Carlin would classify them). He moved here from San Jose (a ways away) and is still adjusting to his new life. He's going to Prague in the summer and has an active social life here.

It was weird. He basically the person whom I was describing in my original post, or at least he's living the life I covet. Even though it may not seem like it on the surface, we really are worlds apart. But what was wonderful about our talk was that I was able to impart some sort of wisdom to him. He was stressing out that he feels he's behind in his academic career and that all his friends back home are already achieving the success he's working towards.

I told hime to not worry about it so much and the enjoy the experiences he's having now, and that the truth is he's way ahead of the game compared to some. He drinks a lot (this town is a notorious alcoholic making factory) and I warned him to take it easy with that stuff. I know quite a few people who started in this school with goals and ambitions who can't hold a job or function anymore because they partied too much. He seemed to listen to what I was saying.

I can't quite articulate how meaningful that conversation was for me. Being able to give some decent advice means that my own limited experiences aren't as invalid as I think they are. It felt good anyway.

I'm doing better this morning. Thank you.


P.S.

I'm going to get "Fuck them all with the barrel of a shotgun!" Tattooed across my neck.

[LateBloomer]

I'm going to get "Fuck them all with the barrel of a shotgun!" Tattooed across my neck.

Lovely.

That will go over well at the country club.

Here's another lesson I wish I learned a little sooner: It wasn't until college when I realized that could pick my friends.



And as the saying goes, if you want to show me who YOU are, show me YOUR FRIENDS.

It's true, we are the company we keep.

The friends I made in high school were pretty much what I call "incidental" friends. They were just people I happened to circulate with for no other reason than our "orbits" would occasionally intersect.

But I got sick of these people eventually and by the time I got to college I took that as an opportunity to find (MAKE) new friends. These I call "intentional" friends; ones that I sought out in order to make me a better person. They're smart, good people.

Even today, at my ripening age, I must remind myself that "psychic vampires" still roam at work and other places looking for people from whom they can suck the spirit out of--even their very life!

If you want to change your life, first step, start circulating with the crowd you want to be associated with.

[Wade]

Lovely.

Even today, at my ripening age, I must remind myself that "psychic vampires" still roam at work and other places looking for people from whom they can suck the spirit out of--even their very life!

This is very good advice. Sometimes it's very difficult to know whether a particular friend is good for me or not. And not only that, sometimes it's difficult if I'm being a psychic vampire to someone without realizing it. That would be a terrible discovery.

[MisterTinkles]

In that state of mind, you did the EXACT right thing.....you wrote your feelings down. As you seemed to have already gathered, this is what was needed in your state of mind.

What REALLY helps too, is to write it down on paper! I mean REALLY go after it! Write it ALL down!!!
Once you have transposed your aggression onto paper, then you can take it outside and BURN IT (in an appropriate and safe manner of course). Or you can keep it for two days and then read it out loud to yourself. You will be surprised how much therapy there is in writing these things down.

In this case you wrote it down for all to see. Which means you are "exorcising your demons", since you know what it is thats bothering you.

Dont worry, most of us have been through some form of this. As long as you "let it out" you will be ok.
Its those people who "keep it in" that go nuts and have mental problems.

Nobody said life is easy. Nobody promised you a rose garden.

Its your life, its what you make of it.


Take it from me, you need to get your ass in gear and DO something with your life NOW. Otherwise you will end up like me....alone, suck ass job, no money, living in a shithole, and no future for retirement.

You need to do SOMETHING! Pick three trades and go to school for them! I dont care what they are, pick three and LEARN them inside and out! This will keep you from "flipping burgers" all your life and ending up like me.

My granny always said "save your money"...but she never said why or what for, or even how to save my money!! Technology will constantly be changing, so pick a phone that will work for your basic needs and keep it till it falls apart. Same goes for a vehicle and anything else mechanical. Be frugal, be cheap, and be saving your money.

Buy IRA's. buy stocks, buy government bonds, just make sure you are buying the right ones that will make you money in the long run.

Work and learn and SAVE, SAVE, SAVE until you are 35. Whatever money you have in the bank, just pretend it isnt there. Buy the basics of life, not what you 'want'......only what is needed to live.

When you turn 35 then you should be able to slow down, calm down, and be able to CHOOSE what you want to do with the rest of your life. THEN you can have fun, buy all the tech gadgets you want and a nice new vehicle, along with a house.

Start some kind of savings plan for retirement NOW also. Because you will blink one day and realize, SHIT! Im 50 years old! WHERE did the time go???


I learned this too late. Dont let it happen to you.

Working and learning will not only keep you busy, it will keep you sane, and it will keep you out in the world...so maybe one day you will meet that guy that is meant for you.

Be all YOU can be. Dont let anyone tell you what it is you HAVE to be or NEED to be. Fuck them all....you live for you and work for you. If they want to tell you how to live your life, then tell them they can tell you how to live your life if they pay all your bills.

And no, Im not telling you how you need to live your life....just giving you a glimpse into the future. And it aint pretty. The world is getting meaner, rougher, and more evil every day. You need to be ready for it.
Knowledge is power. Never stop learning.

[trywait]

welcome to the quarter life crisis! this too shall pass.

and it's harder to comprehend it passing, but it will. just give it some time.

[Woollyhats]

First, make sure you don't cancel appointments with your counsellor when you're feeling like this. This kind of stuff is EXACTLY what they're there to help you with.

It's not uncommon to feel like there's something missing in our lives. It's something you have to fill, whether it be with family, friends, work, hobbies, etc. For me, I fill my time with volunteer, my job, school, hobbies, and am so busy that I don't have much to do. Of course, there's more to it then that --- I consciously choose to be happy everyday.

As for your post, it's clear that there's something you want to change about your life. Your high school crush? You're going to have to move on. I had a crush too, for a long time, a completely closested bi-sexual man who was cruel to everyone, but had a few shining kind moments just to me. It never would have worked. Not ever. And I had to let it go.

When I did, when I really, really, really did, I felt happier for it.

I can't tell you to do the same, or how to do it, but it's time to stop thinking of what could have been. You have a whole life, and it's as wonderful as you want it to be. Maybe it's time for life changes, but make them for the better! If you can, maybe go to school, try changing jobs, get involved in volunteering, or something new and interesting in your community.

Don't be so sad about it! There's always something you can do to enjoy the life you have.

[EuroGuy1]

But you spend your childhood alone, then you spend your teenage years alone, then you spend your early adult years alone, sheltered through all of it. Then one day you realize that all of those immature children you knew became adults because they gathered actual life experience. They went to parties, they took drugs, they had adventures (is that a weird word to use now), they fell in love, they travelled, they got married, had kids. And you.... you're still waiting to know what it feels like to have someone hold your hand. To show you affection. And to give affection. I'll regret writing all this soon.

It's just scary how this part describes me

[Wade]

It's just scary how this part describes me

Our culture informs us that there are certain milestones one must reach, and if we do not reach them by a certain age then we are in some way damaged, made to feel like freaks to a certain degree. But I think that's doesn't need to be true (in this sober, less self-pitying state of mind I find myself in tonight). We make our own story and our value and experiences are just as valid.