What to Do

[randomguy]

I am 30 and have been stuck in a rut for years.

I am way more attracted to guys than girls, but am uncomfortable calling myself gay having never so much as kissed a guy. I am afraid to try to find someone even though I badly want a relationship.

I tried to date a guy a few years back but it felt wrong for some reason. I think it was his high pitched voice and maybe other subtle feminine qualities that freaked me out.

It made me question whether I was gay at all, but all but one of my crushes ever have been on guys. I dated a girl for a while and it was really good at times. Still, it felt like something was missing.

Anyway, what do I do first, come out even though I can't confidently call myself gay or try to date someone even though I haven't fully accepted who I am due to having to hide and suppress this side of myself for so long?

[pellaz]

ya use it or loose it applies.
you first have to come out to your self. being gay can be just having a little different color hair. its different for everyone and to use standard definitions will lead to fail. 30years old is only a number, take some time for your self to discover things.

When looking for a partner be aware of the deal breakers, cant love all of gods creations. Look for a partner with the same interests or the better; someone who is different and completes the household. Most important some one who wants to be in a relationship, someone you can both trust, talk to and respect. Not a lot of gay men out there so try not restrict your playing field on trivial issues (st8 acting). If you want a relationship you will find one for good or bad. Dont expect it to change you that much.

[LateBloomer]

I am 30 and have been stuck in a rut for years.

I am way more attracted to guys than girls, but am uncomfortable calling myself gay having never so much as kissed a guy. I am afraid to try to find someone even though I badly want a relationship.

I tried to date a guy a few years back but it felt wrong for some reason. I think it was his high pitched voice and maybe other subtle feminine qualities that freaked me out.

It made me question whether I was gay at all, but all but one of my crushes ever have been on guys. I dated a girl for a while and it was really good at times. Still, it felt like something was missing.

Anyway, what do I do first, come out even though I can't confidently call myself gay or try to date someone even though I haven't fully accepted who I am due to having to hide and suppress this side of myself for so long?

In my opinion, the last paragraph tells the whole story.

You have put yourself in a "no win" situation. Damned if you do; damned if you don't. So why bother? That's why you're stuck in a rut. You don't want to date guys because you don't consider yourself gay because you have no gay experience. But you have no gay experience because you won't date guys because you don't consider yourself gay.

This is a vicious feedback loop. You're sabotaging yourself. Get over it.


I agree with pellaz. At some point, you're gonna have to forget about your age, experience level, the gay label and all of the EXPECTATIONS that come with that.

If you want to get out of your safe little rut, you'll need to take some risks and open up yourself to the idea of COMPLICATING your life with a partner.

You're a Late Bloomer (it takes one to know one) and I know how safe and comfortable you feel in your little cocoon all by yourself. But you also know the sun is shining and there are lots of beautiful butterflies outside that you'd like to fly away with.

Eventually you'll grow sick of yourself, just as I did, and the craving for company will be too much. At that point, you'll break out of your cocoon, throw caution to the wind, spread your wings and fly--to hell with such little concerns as labels and such.

One more thing, there are as many different "types" of gay guys out there as there are butterflies. Not all of them are effeminate with squeaky little voices.

But you do need to get out and date some before you find one that you want to spend some serious time with.

Place an ad.
Be honest about who you are.
Make sure your date knows you're just playing the field right now.
Get some experience.
Have fun.
Keep the expectations very low.
When you're ready, move in for the kill. But be prepared for lots of bullshit...
This is gonna complicate your life--and probably make it richer.
Good luck.

[randomguy]

I finally got up the guts to go through with this, or so I thought. But I am afraid about safety when meeting people from online sites. How should I do this and what should I look out for?

[pellaz]

... what should I look out for?

talk to them:
-consider what are the deal breakers for you. For me they cant smoke, vote republican, religious...
-what differences they could posses, along with you, that would complete a house hold
-what do you have in common
-do your selves a favor and date some one reasonable driving distance.

dont try to narrow the playing field because its already not that large, gay men are 3-5% of the population

[randomguy]

I guess I'm most worried from a safety standpoint. Is it dangerous to meet someone like this or am I being paranoid?

[MisterTinkles]

To answer your last question.
Youre paranoid.


To answer your first question(s)...

Answer this question. Knowing what you know about you, if you met you, would you date you?

If you dont know who you are, then how do you expect anyone else to get to know you?
If you cant be honest with yourself, then you cant be honest with anyone else.

You need to know who you are , what you want out of life, and where your head is before you bring other people into the picture. Otherwise youre just going to be dragging them down with you.

Find out who you are first, THEN you can get to know other people. Why would they want to get to know you if you dont even know who you are?

[randomguy]

How would I go about finding where my head is or what I want out of life? I already have a career that I enjoy and am ready to settle down somewhere, but I am hesitant to do it until I meet someone. I feel like my life has been on hold for years due to not being confident in my sexuality.

[Nick9]

Hi,
Knowing what you want would help. Sex? Company? Relationship? For company you could maybe try a LGBT center. It could tell you how comfortable you would feel. For a relationship start with friendship. Talks, coffee, public places. Sex - sorry the concept of having sex on the first date is alien for me. I have no idea how to make sure it will be safe.

[randomguy]

Id just like to go on a couple dates. Or even just make some gay friends. No sex.