Difficult situation... advice?

[ayoras]

This is one of the many stories you've already heard on these forums. Nothing new I guess, apart from the fact that it is happening to me.

I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I don't love him the way I used to. And sex is nonexistant or plain bad.... it used to be great *sigh*. If I'm realistic he is still sexy, but I just can't get turned on anymore. Friends love him (so i guess he still is charming) and he's such a nice person. A friend of his friends. Really, a person you meet and you like right away.

But I'm his boyfriend and I've never felt so alone as now. We don't do anything together and we don't have interests in common. Not blaming him. Not even blaming myself. This is just how things are at the moment.

I've been trying to improve things, approaching for sex (rejected or "let's finish soon") and last holidays were very sad for me. I cried from time to time. I have this feeling he also wants a way out, but at the same time he shows interest in keeping the relationship alive... or is it me who wants to believe that?

Probably because of this longing for love, I have now a crush with a straight coworker. Such a classic. I've been always rolling eyes when I hear this tale and now it's happening to me. Oh you know him, the perfect guy. He even treats me like crap and I still like him. Yes, pathetic.

And here I am having to make a decision, leave him and face loneliness and potentially die alone, or stick with him because less is nothing.

Sorry for the rant. Just wanted to know if any of you have been here and how it worked out.

[Undreamt]

Well if you have been doing the same thing for 7 years your going to get bored eventually.

Why not do something completely different,l try pushing your comfort zone.
Change things up a bit, things can only improve.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ever hear of the 7 year itch.... Its a period in relationships where things go sour and the couple has to actually work the relationship to keep it together.

Google Seven Year Itch... its a fascinating subject.

You both need to be aware of where you are in this relationship and have some idea of the 7 year itch and its potential influences.

While couples can successfully navigate through this patch, it may be very much worth your while to seek out couple's counseling.

Relationships don't just happen, they require work.

Contrary to popular belief, monogamy is NOT the natural state for humans. Monogamy is so important because we all know its not natural and its a way to demonstrate our love.

Long Term Relationship are also unnatural to us due to that monogamy thing being unnatural.

7 years is about it, it takes about 7 years for a couple to raise a child to where it no longer needs the support of two adults, thus it hardwired for the male to go roaming after about 7 years to knock up yet one more female to insure that his genetic material survives. The male penis is shaped the way it is, and the act of sex requires so much pumping action to pump out competing semen. Yep all that grunting and grinding points at our very promiscuous past as a species. Its not because it is fun. For a truly hardwired monogamous species sex would be more like a momentary handshake and not as much fun and hard work as it is.

There are other natural pressures working right now in your relationship, pressures which are contrary to our social understanding of what humans and human relationships are about. Male testosterone levels rise and fall depending on factors, such as being in a new relationship, or if there are children present. A man's levels will drop if the children are young and in need of assistance. Once that kid is independent enough to not need him, his testosterone levels climb back up pushing him to seek a new mate to have offspring.

This is simply in place to insure the survival of his DNA. What count against us here is that we do not successfully produce offspring with our mates. Try as much as we want, we do not end up with a brat to keep our T-levels down and keep us committed to raising the brat and seeing to its survival. Thus gays have it a wee bit harder due to biological reasons than straight people to maintain a LTR.

And it explains why so many women stop using the pill later in their marriage and hope that a baby will 'fix' their marriage.

Communication, compromise and several other things needs to be put in play here. These are later developments in the evolution of the human species and are needed in order to overcome billions of years of evolution which insured survival through short term relationships and promiscuity.

So yeah, your story is as common as dirt simply because we all suffer the slings and arrows of our evolution as a species.


Couples counseling brings to bear the later evolutionary organs, such as the fore-brain, which can successfully offset the hind brain and those millions of years of development. It gives a change, a pretty good chance if you both are willing to look at yourselves as the animals you really are and get some basic understanding of the drives that evolution has put in you and then turn around to work with that programming and turn it to your advantage.

[pellaz]

start some thing new must you?
how is it that the same thing will happen again and you will tire of the new bf just like the old

what will stop it form happening

[Counselor]

OP- Have you asked the BF about how he's feeling at this point? Keeping communication open and honest isn't as dangerous as a lot of people think, it's possible he's thinking the EXACT same thing about you, and is just as insecure and afraid the relationship is coming to a close.

[James]

Relationships are a lot of work to keep them fresh and alive, doing the same thing day in and day out will get old. One must always have a variation on the theme to keep it interesting, Jim