Making the Jump

[AaronMDHopeful]

Okay guys, I'm not really sure how to put this, but I guess I'll just start typing and hope what I write makes some sense.

I'm gay, and though I've known that for years, I've only learned to accept it and be comfortable with it over the past six months or so. At the beginning, I started using Grindr, and have met great people, but I've never had the balls to actually go out with any of them - I end up bailing in them for some bullshit excuse I make up on the spot. A little bit of this was because of internalized homophobia I think (I'm over that now), but most of it was because of my generally low self-esteem, especially physically. No matter how attractive I actually am, I've always had trouble seeing myself as adequate. I've recently lost a lot of weight (yay!), and that's done great things for my self-esteem - I feel a lot more confident about myself now. But I still have doubts about myself, and I really don't want to let them take over my life and force me to be alone.

So anyways, I met this guy on Grindr, we'll call him Sebastian. He's going into Social Work at a university about an hour away from me, but I do drive, so I don't really mind travelling to see him. He loves the same things I do, we're both politically leftist, and we both find each other's work really interesting. I'm a premedical student, applying to med school in a year, and so I really love hardcore science - and so does he. He's going into social work, and wants to focus on LGBT support, which I'm super interested in as well. Hey, I've said before that whatever type of medicine I end up practicing, my office will have the little "safe space" stickers and all of my staff (receptionists, nurses, etc.) will be trained to uphold that. So we're super, super, super compatible.

Our quirks even extend downwards to the outright bizarre, and I love that about him. He has a thing for earlobes. I have rather peculiar eating habits. And we're both okay with each other's quirks, which is awesome. He's someone I can be totally and completely honest with. I trust him enough to let me guard all the way down, and for me that really says something because I'm generally a really guarded person.

We both have issues though. For me, I have OCD, panic disorder, and mild depression. My OCD is well-controlled with medication, but my panic disorder gets unruly at times, and I do have the occasional panic attack. He understands each facet of my mental illness, and has a way of knowing exactly what to say to calm me down.

He has severe bipolar depression that is only partially controlled by medication. I have some experience with that, as my dad also has really bad bipolar depression. And I like to think that I genuinely understand him on that level.

Yesterday, he found out that his dad used to beat his mom. The two divorced when Sebastian was 3, and he's really close with his mom. He lives with his grandfather though (not sure why - I'm yet to find out the answer to that question), and here's where it gets messed up: his grandfather knew his dad beat his mom, but he did absolutely nothing about it. He's really upset right now, and he saw his psychiatrist today, who has convinced him to see a therapist (probably a good thing). He's been crying on and off all day yesterday and today.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but I can't help but feel that he's putting on a bit of a brave face for me. I'm at a loss as to how best I can be there for him and what he would want to hear at this point - any advice? It saddens me to see him this upset, and I really want to help him - I just don't know how.

Now here's the zinger: I've been chatting with him over text for about 9 weeks, and I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to anyone ever. But I haven't actually met him yet.

There's nothing that's actually preventing me from going out right now and meeting him for coffee. He thinks that because I only have a G2 driving licence, but won't be getting my G license for another month, I can't drive on the highway alone, but I checked and that's actually not the case. But here's the thing: I live with my parents and I'm really close to them.

I have no friends. There, I said it. My parents = my friends. I spend practically all my free time with them unless they go out for whatever reason. I have my own car, but short of traveling to and from university, I don't use it to go out by myself very much. The situation is rather stifling because I'm not out to my parents, and I don't want to come out until I have a boyfriend, but getting a boyfriend is way harder when you're not out!!

And if I went out without giving my parents a good reason, they'd be suspicious. So what the hell do I do? How do I go see him? How do I make the jump from texting to dating?