05-10-2013, 04:34 AM
So, I have been dealing with anxiety for a few years. It just showed up one day. An example of how anxiety enters my life is: Say I plan to go to visit my nephew in another state. I am totally into it. I plan the whole trip. I make reservations for flight and rent a car. I am excited as can be and really looking forward to the trip. I go to bed and wake up the next morning in a complete panic, total anxiety attack. The only way it will go away is to get on the phone and cancel the trip, cancel the airline flight, cancel the rental car, cancel everything. Even if I loose all the money from the flight, it's worth it to me just to get rid of the feelings I wake up with. After that I just go along and pretty much don't have much of a life until I forget it all and plan another trip and the same thing happens. This went on for several years and then I finally got on a medication called citalopram. I tried not to have to take a drug but finally gave in. The thing is that it works great! No side effects other then it seemed to affect my sex drive some, which was no big deal because I wasn't having sex anyway.
Then in December I came out. I had enough sex drive to want to meet someone and to have a sexual relationship again. I did meet someone, someone who aroused me sexually and when we did finally get to that point, without going into detail I was able to get aroused but not quite to the point I would have liked to reach. I decided to cut my dose in half and see if that helped. After a couple weeks I had another major anxiety period so went back to the dose I was on before and after a few weeks am not having the anxiety/depression anymore. The bad news is that I also have no desire for sex or even any affection or cuddling. All things I wanted a month or so ago. I put off telling my boyfriend, hoping those desires would come back, but they just aren't there. I finally told him on the phone tonight (we are 200 miles apart). Anyway, I think that's the end of that. I mean, I think we will still be friends but......I can't blame him if he wants to look elsewhere. I just wish I didn't have this in my life. In the end I think I'm okay with just being a gay man with no sex. I mean I've spent the last 40 years without having sex with another man. If I have to give up sex in order to not feel that anxiety, I think it's worth it.
I don't know that I'm really looking for advice. I think I just want someone to agree with me and tell me it's okay.
Then in December I came out. I had enough sex drive to want to meet someone and to have a sexual relationship again. I did meet someone, someone who aroused me sexually and when we did finally get to that point, without going into detail I was able to get aroused but not quite to the point I would have liked to reach. I decided to cut my dose in half and see if that helped. After a couple weeks I had another major anxiety period so went back to the dose I was on before and after a few weeks am not having the anxiety/depression anymore. The bad news is that I also have no desire for sex or even any affection or cuddling. All things I wanted a month or so ago. I put off telling my boyfriend, hoping those desires would come back, but they just aren't there. I finally told him on the phone tonight (we are 200 miles apart). Anyway, I think that's the end of that. I mean, I think we will still be friends but......I can't blame him if he wants to look elsewhere. I just wish I didn't have this in my life. In the end I think I'm okay with just being a gay man with no sex. I mean I've spent the last 40 years without having sex with another man. If I have to give up sex in order to not feel that anxiety, I think it's worth it.
I don't know that I'm really looking for advice. I think I just want someone to agree with me and tell me it's okay.