Boyfriend messaging another guy for sex

[Dan1980]

I was cheated on and took him back the biggest mistake I ever made. It's up to you what you do but can you go through a relationship and wonder if he's cheating on you all the time.

[cardiganwearer]

People have been known to change.

People have also been known to waste a lifetime trying to change someone. You've offered the man your love and commitment and he hasn't changed. What do you consider you have left that might be more effective than those?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Pils,

Having been through a very similar situation in the past, I can tell you that there are two very destructive elements in any relationship; Lack of Trust and Jealousy.

Both will feed off each other, and either can destroy the relationship. In my case the relationship was much more established (2 years) We talked, we cried, we made promises to each other. 2 months later he did the same thing again and I found out. I kicked him out. Yes it hurt and I cried like a baby for a week. But I moved on and life continued.

You have 3 months in this relationship. If you had both agreed exclusiveness and he is cheating on you already, this early in the relationship when it should still be the honeymoon period, then I don't think it bodes well. Sure you can sit him down, make him squirm and promise not to do it again. But you will have suspicions every time he doesn't answer his phone, respond to a text message, late home or late to a date etc.

I would strongly recommend at the very least you step back from each other for a week or so, to see how you both feel about the relationship.

Good Luck.

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

1. You have been cheated on before, thus you are going to be looking at every little innocent thing and seeing it as a sign/symptom of a current cheat going on. Thus your 'experience' is going to count against you in a good relationship.

2. He has a history of cheating and in all honesty you have proof that he wants more sex from more than one person at a time, this means that in future he most likely will get drunk (or not) and cheat on you.

3. He drinks to the point where it becomes an excuse for him to cheat.

Possibly #4 - possibly... People tend to get involved with the same person over and over again. There is something about a type of person we are attracted to that we find ourselves looking for in other people. Thus victims of abuse usually end up in more than one abusive relationship as the personality of the abuser is 'attractive' to them in some way. No not the abuse, but other related things which non-abusers typically don't have.

Cheaters also have personality quirks, charm, wit, whatever that you will find attractive, you will be drawn to that and not fully aware that the potential mate is also a potential cheater.

With the data you have given, I think that #4 plays a pretty big role in the type of relationships you tend to lean toward, and you need to figure out what it is about the cheating type that attracts you. No its not the cheating, its something else, the charm, the sexual strength, the wit something there that a cheater has a part of their personality make up is attractive to you.

My suggestions:

1. End this relationship, it is clear he has no intent of being monogamous, and is going to ultimately end up hurting you.

2. Make a pact to stay out of relationships for 365 days (its only one year).

3. During that year find a therapist and work on the issues of cheating that was done on you in the past and try figuring out what it is about the cheater personality type that is attractive to you and try to find away to get around that - meaning to not readily fall for the cheater type.

From what you have supplied as data, this fella is not the one for you.

[Pix]

I agree, maybe he was just sorry that he was caught. But you don't think talking about it with him will help? Maybe find out the reason he felt the need to do it, because I still have no idea

No, I don't think talking about will help. He's a player and if you talk he will play you, especially as you WANT to believe his lies (a reason why so many con artists and bad boys prevail).

And you really have no idea? I do. Males are raised to pursue and expect sex and any form of honorable relationship is optional (which porn helps encourage them in). Having a number of lovers helps "prove" his masculinity (at least a few even like to make marks or gain other mementos as some form of proof) and is something to be proud of, and many will feel proud even if they cheat (and may enjoy the spice of risk & challenge with cheating thrown in). While plenty gain some maturity and thus overcome this, plenty don't and become players. And that's what you're with, a player.

[pellaz]

over reacting

i caught my bf cheating:
-sometimes its over whelming to be able to forgive him. I realize this is very important in order to continue the relationship with success. between us we talked about the forgiveness thingy but internally inside me the conversation rages on.
-just about the time i found out a web based drama "EastSiders" started up. a must watch for both of you.
-I thought it would change relationship, how we interact, but not that much.

whatever your decision best of luck

[posterpicture]

Get rid of that whore

[James]

Even a kiwi would drop him, do yourself a favor and loose him before it get worse, there are many players in usa,but also good people, you will find one, Jim

[pilsg001]

Thank you all for your advice, it is great to get different opinions. I talked to him last night and told him how it made me feel, he apologised again but did not want to talk about it, he just got angry and said he didn't know what else to say. I think the best option would be separation as many suggested, because whatever feelings I once had have all diminished and I no longer feel happy when I am with him, I am probably will never be able to trust him again.

[dfiant]

I am probably will never be able to trust him again.

When trust has gone, there isn't much left...you're doing the right thing for the right reason