Boyfriend trouble(s)...

[KawaiiKitty]

Hi all!

I just found this forum through a web search and I needed some advice on a problem Im having with my boyfriend so I thought I would register and check this place out and maybe post my problem for some feedback.

So where do I begin? I guess for you all to understand this problem there is something you have to know about me. I have always had a battle with my weight. Ive always been pretty heavy since I was a kid. Its always something I struggled against.

So now onto my boyfriend issue. About 7 years ago I was in a gay IRC chat room and this person comes in and we start chatting it up in private. We really get to know each other well. He is from Cali and Im from Georgia. Basically he had just broken up with his boyfriend who had suddenly had to move away. We talk all night and several nights over the next few weeks. He gets to know me and I him and he eventually sends me his picture. Im very apprehensive about sending him my picture since as you guys probably know how some gusys in the gay community are about body image. I didnt want to run the risk of losing a good friend when he saw how heavy I was. So after alot of convincing he got me to send him the pic and everything seemed to be fine since he was what they call a chub chaser. We hit it off even more and eventually form a long distance relationship with the advent of Skype using web cams to chat endlessly back and forth. He was still in college and we planned over the next 5 or so years to eventually move in together after he graduated college and got a job and a place we could move into(I had my own business in GA so basically I would be leaving everything I knew behind in GA to be with him including my business).

Now we fast forward about 6 years. He flies across the country to come get me in GA and we takea car back to Cali via roadtrip which was really fun. We've been doing ok living together, not that many fights. Im the type of person who kinda shuts down when Im angry or upset with someone. I saw my parents fight so much as a child that I promised myself I wouldnt be like that with the person I love.

The thing you have to understand about my boyfriend is that he likes to be horny naturally. He doesnt even like to try to get horny when Im in the mood and he's not and he's naturally horny only like once or twice a week.(at least when he expresses it) So us having sex is sometimes a very uncommon thing. We might go a whole month and only have sex once or twice. The thing he keeps telling me is that he is a chub chaser but he only has a VERY specific body type that turns him on. Like their body proportions have to be very specific and Im basically too big to turn him on so thats why he doesnt get horny more often.(he's not saying that to be mean, I ask him to be honest and he is)

So now we fast forward one last time to this weekend. Ive been kinda waiting for him to be horny again cause its been awhile since we've had sex. We're were on our computers and he decides to get up and go to bed cause it was late and he was sleepy but I stayed on the computer. Later when I got alittle sleepy I decided to go to bed too. I wasnt that sleepy so I thought I would wake him up and we could chat for awhile(its a thing we do when he's off work on the weekends). So I go lay down with my head sort of in his lap. I smells something funny though. Its the unmistakeable cum smell. Im thinking to myself, "really? its so bad he would rather jerk himself off in bed than have sex with me?" we had basically a fight over it with him saying, "well do I have to have your permission to jerk off?" which just made the situation even worse.

He says that he still loves me but I guess my question/problem is can you really love someone fully as a couple yet not want to have sex with them? When I decided to love him as my boyfriend I accepted him and everything about him. His good traits and his bad traits. And if we're really honest he has gained some weight too in the 7 years we've been together but Ive not said a word about it because I dont let it bother me at all. I love him as a whole person not just the parts I find attractive or pleasant. I just wish he could love me the same way. i just dont know what to do at this point. Im not going to be skinny minnie like tomorrow and he's probably not gonna star suddenly find super chubs attractive.

PS I wanted to add for me its NOT all about the sex. Im not some sex crazed fiend. I do have a higher sex drive than my bf and I understand if he doesnt want to do it every day or whatever. It just disturbs me how that he can say that he loves me but doesnt want to have sex with me.

And Im sorry this has gotten really long winded. I think everything I added in the story was necessary to convey that we have been through alot and its not something I just want to throw down and walk away from.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey KK,

First off to the forum, you are definitely in the right place to get some advice.

The situation you find yourself in is actually not as unusual as you may think. Lots of co-habiting partners who are in long term relationships have limited and sometimes almost no sexual intimacy with their partner. As you have rightly alluded to, relationships are not just about sex, although for some people of course, thats exactly what they are about...

The challenge you have however is that your both still sexually active, and importantly you want to be intimate with your partner and not someone else. (You don't make it clear if he is playing behind your back or just doing on line stuff)

I think you both have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about what you each want out of the relationship. I would also add that after 7 years together, two things strike me:

1. Your in the "7 year itch" period. Search it in the forum, you will see what I mean.
2. You should both be beyond the "how each other looks" thing, especially as he accepted you for being you early on.

Couples also fall out of love with each other. It doesn't happen overnight, but can be a gradual separation of things, including intimacy, over a period of time.

I'm sure others will be along and give you some advice.

My advice is simple. You need to communicate honestly and openly with each other, and decide if you both still want the same thing, if not is there a compromise to be made by one or both of you, or is it time to go separate ways?

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[pellaz]

welcome to GS

your bad; next time better to make it an issue that you are willing to do it for him if he is sleepy tired.

lot of talk about your weight. your choice:
is find a way to ignore it
or
both of you take the effort to stop eating and loose weight.

most couples will become the same weight after a period of time

[Rainbowmum]

Time to lay the cards on the table and communicate.
You need to express yourself ,he needs to hear you and you him.

I think a couples sex therapist would be beneficial to both of you.

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS!

If you're not getting the sex you want and he's jerking off in the next room, you have an issue. Sex is more in our heads than in our pants, so this could easily be a sign of something emotional going on for him. I won't make any wild guesses, but I encourage you to talk with him about it. If he's reluctant or you don't get anywhere, counseling may be the way to go. Many people are squeamish about seeing a counselor or therapist as a couple, but it's better than letting your relationship slip away.

Hang in there, and good luck!

[KawaiiKitty]

well we had a long talk this morning...and he was willing to listen at least and made the first move to reconcile so I appreciated that a great deal. I finally felt like I was being heard for the first time by him and actually was able to convey the issue to him in a way that Im understood. That felt really good

Unfortunately we really didnt find a solution but at least I think its a step in the right direction being understood which is what I wanted. I think he will be more understanding of me in the future too when Im horny and will make more of an effort to at least voice when he wants to have sex/is horny. And he still loves me and only me, I never doubted that. Its just really hard to feel like your SO is not understanding you when youve had the same problem all of your life with the people closest to you. When the one person who you thought would understand doesnt. that is a hard pill to swallow.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The bright side here is it takes matters to hand instead of going out to seek other guys to have sex with. This tells me that he is in love with your personality, your character and appreciates all of that aspect of you, but your body doesn't turn him on.

Clearly he is getting something out of this relationship or he wouldn't stick around.

There is the 7 year itch phenomenon as mentioned above. Google is your friend.

Sexless love. Oh yeah, that is possible. Love you mom? Do you want sex with her? Sexless love... its all around us.

Couples can easily enter into the sexless love stage and be relatively happy there. Understand that deep passionate I-need-to-fuck-your-brains-out type of love is always a fleeting thing. It is replaced with deeper, more sincere forms of love. sure there is no reason why two healthy men can't continue having sex after the first passion is over with, but the chances of it happening regularly drop dramatically for most couples, gay, straight, whatever.

Trust me, the older you get the less sex their will be. Your libido will start slowly sinking, your testosterone levels will drop. Fortunately they now have a pill for erectile dysfunction, but what those commercials don't tell you is a lot of guys can't take those pills not without risk of stroking out or popping their pump (heart issues). so eventually along the line sex is going to vanish. And you will be in a sexless relationship.


True, you can't become a skinny person over night, but I bet you can lose a few extra pounds. Unless you have a medical condition that causes weight gain, in which case you need to speak to your physician about things you can do.

You already know that this is the issue:

The thing he keeps telling me is that he is a chub chaser but he only has a VERY specific body type that turns him on. Like their body proportions have to be very specific and Im basically too big to turn him on so thats why he doesnt get horny more often.


I get where he is coming from. I personally like my men 'well padded' - I hate defined muscles and washboard abs - I have issues, what can I tell you. I have detailed specifics which place my men more to the well padded side and pretty far from land whale (you know, 400-500 pounds and stranded on the couch or bed) side of the spectrum.

So I get what he means. I can be classified as a chub chaser ( I flat refuse to use that title and will kill you if you call me such so watch it).. but I prefer to say I prefer bears...


And if we're really honest he has gained some weight too in the 7 years we've been together but Ive not said a word about it because I dont let it bother me at all.

Really, that's big of you.... Is it that you 'allow' his extra weight because you love him no matter, or is the truth that you know you can't dare say a word about his few extra pounds while you stand their with your spare tire hanging out? Be honest - at least to yourself. What is your real motivation for not saying a word? Guilt? Anger? Resentment? Sadness?

This sentence of yours is a dig, a resentment. You may not see it that way, but it is exactly a thing a person would say when they are feeling resentful. I bet you want to say something but refrain from mentioning it to him...

Resentment comes in seed packets, and each seed we plant grows into a hydra-like plant that is nearly impossible to kill. You need to acknowledge what is and is not a resentment, and the only way to really kill that plant is to continually remind yourself 'This is my resentment over _____________ that is talking.'

I think that sex is the tip of the iceberg here. Clearly you two have some other more serious issues and this sex event is really a symbol for a lot of other things. Go back and read what you wrote. Now pretend I wrote all of that and read it again. What is your impression of the person who is writing? What tone of voice do you think the person is writing in?

You already have a serious communication issue. Sure mom and dad screamed at each other, but you know what? They were communicating. Your silence and all of this quite is doing far much more damage than screaming at one another would do.


I would strongly suggest that you both sit down and discuss one and only one issue at this time. Which Couples Counselor you will go to.

There is a lot of half hidden issues here. There is a lot of 'stuff' from your giving up your business and moving halfway across a continent, to your inability to accept your true motivations for not saying things. There is his inability to articulate what he wants/needs and then your whole 'I don't want to talk about it because mom and dad screamed at each other'. No doubt there is tons more, say the economy side swiped you all a few years ago and money is a really big issue which wasn't mentioned. Or maybe mom is sick and needs someone to tend her needs? Other stuff sitting there.

Get a couples counselor - you both need it.

[KawaiiKitty]

yeah I know sexless love is possible. I just dont want our relationship to come to that. If you arent having sex then you might as well just be best friends living together for all intents and purposes. Which he is my best friend but Ive always felt that sex is the outward expression of the love you feel in your heart. I can say that I love you and I can do other things for you to show that I love you. But when youre having sex to me its the ultimate expression of love(outside of something like giving your life for someone else or something like that). Its one of the most vulnerable situations that I can imagine being in. Youre opening yourself up to your partner with something that you will never share with anyone else in the whole world(or you shouldnt anyways - I know the gay community has a general open door policy but its not for us)

yeah he is most definately into bears...he does like that Im older and somewhat hairy so its not like he just insults me all the time and tells me Im fat...he's not like that at all. Its just an issue that keeps cropping up.

The reason I dont say anything about his weight is cause I do truly love him. I dont care if he gains 500 pounds. I would still love him and I would still want to have sex with him because I love him. Im far from resentful. It just hurts me that he cant love me unconditionally in that way. Which Im not trying to control him at all but it doesnt make it hurt any less for me when he would rather jerk off than be with me, ya know? I pick and choose my battles very carefully and this is one Ive chosen just not to care about. I only mention things to him that I feel are worth fighting over which I have found to be a very effective tool in NOT fighting with your partner. I dont freak out if the apartment is messy or the dishes arent done or if the bed isnt made. In the grand scheme of things those things are unimportant and will get taken care of eventually.(thats something he's working on....I think we as a society are too uptight in general and freak out and try to start a fight over the smallest of things) When I was growing up my mom and dad did that. They would fight over the stupidest things just for the sake of fighting. I promised myself when I found the love of my life I would never fight with him unless it was REALLY worth arguing about. I have embraced his weight gain as a part of himself and loved him even more because of it.

Hmm I wont say that youre wrong but I dont feel that we have more issues just bubbling under the surface. We've both decided early on that our feelings and how we feel are our own responsibility in how we react to outside stimuli. We cant always blame others for how we feel. Its just a scapegoat. I feel like I do communicate with him when I feel the issue is important enough to me. This is one of those few issues. I just think screaming at each other, even though like you said is communication, does irreparable damage to a relationship. I cant say we've never raised our voices at each other. To have an almost knock down drag out screaming match at each other we have not. Again you might be right that we need a couples counselor but I dunno I dont think we are to that point. I still feel like I can openly communicate with him on an important issue and he will try to understand me at least. To me that is all a couples counselor would do. I do admit that I have a hard time articulating how I feel...as in finding the right words without putting blame on him. Maybe that is something a couples counselor could help me overcome.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The choice is yours, ultimately. But I do think you both need a couples therapist and start working on 'stuff'.

Love comes with conditions. Your condition is that he has sex with you more often. That is Conditional love. He has other conditions for this love - well for the sex part.

Clearly he loves you you all went through all of this trouble to live under the same roof and instead of going out to get a hook-up (as he could), he resorts to taking matters to hand to scratch that itch.


I ended a 14 year relationship the middle of last year. We survived 14 years together because we did go to a couple's counselor and learned a good deal about 'us' and at least I learned a good deal about myself. Him... I don't know what if anything he learned.

We uncovered 'crap' together that we didn't even know was 'crap'. We assumed our issues as a couple were clear cut and 'simple'... The therapist helped us to reveal to ourselves that nope, it wasn't so clear cut and so simple.

If there was one thing and only one thing I learned through CC, it was that I was too close to the relationship to see it clearly... Sort of that can't see the forest because of all the trees sort of thing.

Apparently you both have expended a great deal of time, energy and made sacrifices in order to share the same bed and sleep under the same roof. You both owe it to all of that stuff to see a therapist and see what lies beneath.

There is no such beast as a perfect relationship. All relationships need a 'tune-up' and there is always other erroneous crap laying around that should be tended to once in a while.