hi guys, i am a 21 year old male and a junior in college. i am out to about 5 of my friends, and to my parents. i have 3 siblings. i am out to one of my brothers and he took it pretty well. my sister is a devout christian and has mentioned to me about how she thinks being gay is wrong. i dont know how my other brother feels but he makes gay jokes occasionally
my delima: i've been really depressed lately thinking about how my life is now and how differently it would be if i was out to everyone. first of all about me, i am not flamboyount nor do i fall into the typical gay stereotype at all. everyone i've told has been shocked at the news. i am also not attracted to girly gay guys at all which makes it really hard for me to find someone. i have never been in any relationship with a guy.
i'm wondering if i will truly be happier being out to everyone instead of close friends. to be completely honest i dont want to be. i feel like its my businesss and i dont want people placing me in a stereotype. and i dont feel like i fit into the gay community. i hear people say all the time, that their are other gays like me, ones that are masculine acting, but where the hell are they? is that bad of me? should i tell my sister and brother? my sister is a chronic worrier and i know she will disaprove. is it selfish of me to not tell her and keep it a secret and let her think im straight? or is it selfish of me to tell her for no great reason (not in a serious relationship with anyone) just to ease my conscionce? should i wait until im in a relationship?
would appreciate the advice, thanks, bew to this forum, and sorry for the grammer mostakes, im doing this from my phone
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You kind of answered your own question in a sense. You feel that it is your own business and that only you and your partner and close friends who you feel comfortable enough to tell should know. Don't over complicate it. However, do know that if your sister finds out from someone other than you, the situation could worsen. And honestly though whole masculine/feminine thing doesn't matter to many Christians who find homosexuality as wrong. It's the act they dislike (and at times yes there are those who dislike gays themselves). Even if your sister disapproves, there's not much she can do to change you is there? I mean I know it's not easy to tell her and you don't have to tell her, but if she were to find out the worse that could happen is that she could stop talking to you, or try to convert you. My opinion is that if she truly loves you, she will be there until the end. Homosexual or not, and if she has a problem with it, just tell her to pray for you and move on. I hope my opinion helps you, just remember that you don't have to make any rash decisions that you are not ready to make. Good luck!
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andvari Wrote:i am also not attracted to girly gay guys at all which makes it really hard for me to find someone
That's odd. I get the impression that the vast majority of gay men prefer manly men (though not bears for some reason). Granted, if you don't hang around gays then you'll probably be like many straights who only notice the stereotype that everyone else recognizes (while not recognizing most gay people because they're not as obvious as many straight people think they are). That is to say you probably know a handful of gay and bi men already, though you have no idea they're into men.
You also ask where they are. Have you tried Grindr or other dating sites? Have you tried gay clubs, because I've heard the few feminine gay men here complain how others reject them for being too girly and acting as if that's some terrible treachery against their gender. And when they do I don't see a lot of advice for where they can go to be accepted, if anything some people say they can't stand the girly men, too.
As for your sister, I expect she'd appreciate the denial. Seems good to let her enjoy her blissful ignorance unless she actually asks.
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Pix Wrote:That's odd. I get the impression that the vast majority of gay men prefer manly men (though not bears for some reason). Granted, if you don't hang around gays then you'll probably be like many straights who only notice the stereotype that everyone else recognizes (while not recognizing most gay people because they're not as obvious as many straight people think they are). That is to say you probably know a handful of gay and bi men already, though you have no idea they're into men.
You also ask where they are. Have you tried Grindr or other dating sites? Have you tried gay clubs, because I've heard the few feminine gay men here complain how others reject them for being too girly and acting as if that's some terrible treachery against their gender. And when they do I don't see a lot of advice for where they can go to be accepted, if anything some people say they can't stand the girly men, too.
As for your sister, I expect she'd appreciate the denial. Seems good to let her enjoy her blissful ignorance unless she actually asks.
You make a really good point. I think there's huge misconception that even a few other posters on here could learn about. There are some guys who pass as straight on pretty much all "test", except for the fact that they also like guys. I think we have just grown so attuned to looking for signs/signals/vibes. We've also have grown really scared to ask people because of their reaction, and frankly some people out there are better not knowing because they have malicious intent.
I'd say that it probably comes with meeting more guys who happen to be like you and are also gay/bi. It takes time. In time you'll also find guys who are masculine, but tend to only like the effeminate males.
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I'm a so called 'straight acting' gay male - outside of bed I'm pretty straight behaved 
Like you I don't get into the scene (gay community stuff), I don't want to be lumped into the old stereotypes, nor the new ones.
Believe it or not there is going to be a little hate aimed at you for being straight acting AND saying 'I'm not into fems'...
It is more difficult to find a 'straight acting' gay man to be with, most of us are on the 'down-low' meaning we ain't waving flags, ain't presenting ourselves out there as homosexuals, thus we are hard to see by other gay men who may be looking. Most of us live in rural areas and don't do clubs/bars 'the scene' much for the same reasons you most likely don't like them.
As for telling everyone... If you don't want to, then don't. Aside from my mother and father who I came out and said 'I'm gay', no one else has ever actually heard me 'come out' to them. I think they figured it out because I don't exactly hide my sexuality and my sexual preference either.
I look at it this way, no straight person has to agonize and 'come out' to every one. They live their life and people pretty much figure out a guy is straight when he starts talking about girls, or dates one, or marries one. So why should a guy who is into guys have to make a huge fuss, why can't he just talk about guys, date guys and hopefully (when the rest of the world catches on and makes it legal) marry a guy?
The religious thing is going to be a problem, it is bound to be a thorn in your side. Prepare for that. Google Gay Jesus, Gay Christians, Gay Verses explained in an affirming way. If that doesn't give you enough information, then join a Gay Affirming Church: http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/f...church.htm Plenty of gays and straights in those churches have the right answers and have dealt with the religious aspect, the minister/priest/head high guru might also be very much worth your time discussing those 6 minor verses and if you are interested, also talk to you about your relationship with God.... if you have one....
Ultimately these choices are up to you. What ever you decide to do its going to be ok.
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Mmmm, interesting dilemma you have, and not too dissimilar to where I was a few years ago.
Im as str8 acting as they come - no seriously! 20 years in the military, married (now divorced) and two great kids. When I first came out, to a very small group of 1 friend LoL, it was utter shock, followed by the "are you sure?" and "do you fancy me?" in that order. (Yes, NO)
I often wished I'd been more "gay" in the belief that every gay man who crossed my path would fall instantly in lust with me. It would also save me the trouble of having to come out to people. "Oh look its John the gay guy" seemed much easier than trying to explain to colleagues and friends that yes Im married, but HE doesn't like being called my wife LoL.
I remember the first works Christmas party I took my SO to. Boy, you should have seen some of the jaws drop when they realised we were a couple. Oh and Ive never (EVER) had a negative reaction in the workplace when I take him to any corporate functions (and not just because Im the boss)
But the one thing I wanted to make clear is that I don't wear my sexuality for everyone too see. My sexuality is a part of me, but I don't allow it to define me. The whole in-your-face outright screaming queen (sorry queens!) is a huge turn off for me. Just like guys who wear ott makeup, paint their nails (see other thread) carry handbags and insist on using the ladies toilets like its some god given right.
Your sexuality is no ones business except yours, and whomever you decide to tell. Your 21, and at a point in your life where you should be out having fun, developing your social skills and finding a career etc. I suspect your using your sexuality as an excuse for being depressed. You need to look elsewhere for the cause of your feeling down. Being an outright screaming-in-your-face-gayer is, if anything, going to make you even more depressed, oh and draw some unwanted attention to yourself.
Try finding a local LGBT support group to interact with. I suspect that will be a great deal more productive than telling everyone you meet that your gay.
Good Luck 
ObW
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as more gay people are included in the common fray the term straight acting will go away. but for now things are the way they are. in a limited playing field i think its not in the best interest to reject a person because he is not straight acting. cant love all of gods creations but think in terms what qualities your date, bf partner brings to the table and makes the family work.
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thank you guys so much for the support and advice
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My question for you is - if you were trying to date yourself, how would you know if you were gay and available
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I have to tell you that your post sounds JUST like my partner! He grew up in Indiana and there's just something about guys from Indiana - hoosiers are pretty private folks when it comes to personal issues, so don't beat yourself up too much for how you're feeling.
BUT, all that said, since you're not "out" to everyone and don't circulate in the gay community, it's not fair to lump all gay men into the "femme" category - or that somehow your attraction to masculine men is something new or different. It's not. Oh, and just to be clear, you can have femme gay friends and not be attracted to them, but still be friends. One of my best friends is very flamboyant.....fun, energetic, classy, dresses well, smart - just that he's very effeminate and very PROUD to be so.
We also have a friend, who, like you dosn't like to be around femme guys or go to drag shows or gay pride parades - he's out, but not "into" the whole gay scene. So, one night last week, he, his partner, me and my partner were having cocktails at their house and we got a bit tipsy and we all got into a very passionate discussion about why he felt the way he did...and what it boiled down to was ...his hoosier upbringing. He knew he was gay, accepted that, his family accepted that, but the idea that someone he knew would see him at a pride event, or hanging with flamboyant friends or at a pride event made him feel ASHAMED!
It was a kind of breakthrough for him, because basically, he finally knew that deep inside, he wasn't 100% out until he could accept other gay men for who they were, and feel comfortable being out.
now, he will never be a "rainbow flag" waver, but his partner is the kinda guy who likes to hang out with other gay men - it IS our community after all - and there was always that pang of shame keeping him from going out with his partner to gay events.
I'm not saying this is YOU. What i AM saying is that time ALWAYS changes things, and to no be too tough on yourself OR OTHER GAY MEN in how they choose to live their lives as gay men.
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am i selfish for staying in
