How do Court recorders keep straight faces?

[LONDONER]

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[partisan]

Haha - i have a book called - The law is an ass by Gyles Brandreth

"If the law supposes that,’ said Mr Bumble . . . ’the law is a ass - a idiot.’
(Charles Dickens, Oliver twist)

Judge: The two men were fighting with chairs. Didn't you try to establish peace?
Witness: No, there was not a third chair.

How old are you? the judge asked a lady witness.
"Thirty"
"Thirty! I have heard you give the same age in this court for the last three years."
"I'm not one of those people who say one thing one day and another the next. "

Found guilty by a court in fleetwood of stealing fish, a local man was fined £10,in spite of his plea that he had had to steal the fish to pay a £10 fine imposed on him earlier for receiving stolen fish.

[MisterTinkles]

"How do court recorders keep straight faces"?

The same way gay court recorders keep gay faces.




Thats my joke and Im sticking to it.

[MisterTinkles]

"Judge: a law student who marks his own papers."
— H. L. Mencken

"She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."
— Tommy Manville

PRECEDENT, n. In law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Criminal court is where bad people are on their best behavior. It's much more dangerous for lawyers and judges in family court, where good people are at their worst."
— Richard Dooling

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."
— Tim Allen

"Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people."
— George Carlin

"Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."
— Judge Judy

"I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you."
— Judge Judy

[During a trial in which Mae West was accused of indecency on stage]
Judge: "Miss West, are you trying to show contempt for this court?"
Mae West: "On the contrary, your honor, I was doin' my best to conceal it."

[partisan]

Once upon a time - in 1864 - in the tiny country of Andorra, the government issued this historic decree:

- The appearance in our courts of the learned gentleman of the law, who can make black appear white and white appear black, is forbidden -

The decree is still in force and to this day Andorra boasts only one lawyer - who never goes to court.