Guilt about things that can't be fixed

[Grey]

First of all I have to explain that I grew up in a very unsavory household. My father was an abusive drunk and we were never close, still, I thought he would understand better than my overly religious mother when I came out to them at 17. I was wrong. They both freaked. Equally. It may have been one of the first things I ever saw them agree on. Anyway, my dad ended up leaving us over it, and he never spoke to me again. It was the week of my senior prom when my principal pulled me into his office to tell me my dad had died at the age of 49. His side of the family lives very close to me, and everytime I see them they are distant, rude even. But are not that way with my sister. Why do I feel so guilty about how things ended with my father? It was his choice to never speak to me again. Yet the guilt of it eats away at me constantly. Help please!

[LONDONER]

You said it yourself. It can't be fixed. I think that you will eventually come to the conclusion that your father was bigoted and it seems that his family are also. You did nothing wrong, it was not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Have you ever tried to talk to members of his family or are they simply unapproachable? What is your sister's attitude towards you? If she accepts you, could she not try to smooth the waters between you and your father's family?

These are just some rambling ideas. I wish I could help more.

[Grey]

My sister accepts me pretty well. Honestly she and her husband are the only ones who really seem to not be bothered by it. The last time I attempted to talk to my dad's family I went to my grandparents house. They wouldn't even let me in, my grandma just talked to me through the screen door. I didn't bother going back there after that. My sister says she thinks it has nothing to do with my being gay, but that they are uncomfortable because they know how badly my father beat me, and don't want to remember him that way, but I get the feeling that they think he died early from finding out about my sexuality. I really don't know why I even feel guilty, it wasn't like we were close at all.

[LONDONER]

You didn't mention in your first post that you had been beaten by your dad. All the more reason why you have no reason to feel guilty. I'm happy that your sister and her husband accept you as you are. Maybe she can prod gently and find out what is the cause of the antigonism.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You feel so guilty because obviously your dad choose to saddle you with the responsibility of leaving by making you believe he left because of you (being gay).

You feel guilty because he most likely did a lot of shit and say 'See what you did?'.

He was an abusive drunk and he most likely blamed you for a lot of stuff that went wrong in his life because he couldn't or wouldn't take responsibility for his own actions.

Abusers often rely on the 'see what you made me do?' when they abuse their victims. The abuse is not their fault, oh heavens know, the victim made them do it.


Victim's guilt is typical of the situation. Survivors of Abuse learn how to at least cope with the guilt, if not actually start disowning their 'responsibility' to the actions and behaviors of the abuser. Victims of abuse refuse to take any action to change how they feel about these matters and remain victimized well after the abuse ends.

How do I know - been there, did that - and I did that over and over again.


Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and whoever else who are not accepting you as you are making their own choices. Yes you are gay, that does not give them a free pass to treat you like crap. They CHOOSE to treat you like crap and they are using your homosexuality as an excuse to release them of proper social behaviors (civility, kindness, love, whatever).

This is NOT your fault. Its not like you woke up one day and say 'Women, who needs them - I think I will go find myself some Homosexual Sex!'

You were born this way. You didn't have a choice in that.

Yes there is a lot when it comes to homosexuality you do have a choice in. You can choose to be promiscuous, you can choose to wear a condom or not
(thus run the risk of STDS) those are choices.

You are a Victim of Abuse. Currently. I want for you to figure out a way to stop being a victim and start being a survivor. One good way is to seek professional help: Psychologists (Therapists/Counselors) is usually a very good way. They typically do not have a MD thus do not prescribe pills.

You may have to shop around a bit to find the right therapist. After all you are dealing with people and this relationship of Therapist/Patient is as personal as a relationship between you and a potential lover. So you may have to talk to several therapists before you find one you are comfortable with.

Honestly, without knowing the particulars of the abuse and the home situations I have no idea what sort of tools you need in order to cope and work through the stuff on your plate. I suspect there is a lot more than merely guilt at work here. I suspect you may also have a little PTSD and all of this other crap mom, Grandpa and Grandma are piling on you could be working a minor PTSD into something a bit more major.

IF God/Faith is an issue for you, there are resources there as well. There are 'gay affirming Churches' - which means churches who accept homosexuals as being yet more precious gifts from God (like all souls are).

http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/f...church.htm is a directory, most likely there is a gay affirming church in your local area.

If Faith/Religion is an issue, I strongly suggest finding one of these and speaking with the priest/minister/pastor/head high guru. S/he will most likely be able to start you on a path of discover of the alternate interpretation of those 6 scriptures constantly used to beat up homosexuals. S/he may also help you find ways to slowly change the minds/opinions of your family - depending on how open your folks are.

Further, most Ministers/Priests/Pastors/Head High Gurus also come with a bit of psychological training and are able/trained to provide some counseling. If not, they most likely will have resources, lists something to help you to find someone to help.

If you ever need a person to scream at, cry on, rant at, or to ask any question that you need an answer on when it comes to abuse/victimization/homosexuality/God feel free to PM me. Whatever it is I know I will share and what I don't know I can at least give suggestions on how to find an answer.

[Grey]

I currently have a therapist which I see once a week, as well as a slew of depression and anxiety meds which help though I am not fond of taking them. I know that my parents were never happy, he was atheist and she was very religious. She used that religion as an excuse not to leave him and their marriage lasted for nearly 27 years. I got away finally at 17, but By that point I had suffered 18 broken bones and around 130 stitches (give or take a few) by his hand so the damage was already done. Most of the abuse happened before he knew I was gay. I still have issues with the "its not your fault" thing, even though deep down I know that none of it was my fault I somehow still feel like my parents got divorced because of me, and maybe the stress of that killed my dad. He may have been a shitty dad but he seemed to love my mom deep down.

[LONDONER]

May I suggest that there might have been another reason your mum left your dad. Maybe, just maybe she was deep down inside guilty of not having protected you when you were beaten so badly and she has used your homosexuality as an excuse not to face up to her own guilt because like you, she saw it as somethingn that she could not undo. The human psyche is very complex and while I do not believe in psychoanalysis, but Bowyn Aerrow anaysis of "See what you made me do" is quite feasible.

[Grey]

I think she does feel guilty now, but she shows that guilt by getting mad if I talk about it or when she sees my scars. She always gets mad and says something like "Well fine I guess its all my fault" which was never something I was trying to imply. My dad was a big guy and I often purposely antagonized him so that he'd come after me instead of my mom or sister. Her acting weird about the scars has now made me super embarrassed of them, which affects my relationship with my boyfriend. They are mostly on my back, which is, for lack of a better word...shredded. I used to not be bothered by it but with my mom acting how she does about it I've gotten to where I don't even want my bf seeing me shirtless. Which he doesn't understand.

[LONDONER]

"Well fine I guess its all my fault". That, to my mind is deeply significant.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I currently have a therapist which I see once a week, as well as a slew of depression and anxiety meds which help though I am not fond of taking them. I know that my parents were never happy, he was atheist and she was very religious. She used that religion as an excuse not to leave him and their marriage lasted for nearly 27 years. I got away finally at 17, but By that point I had suffered 18 broken bones and around 130 stitches (give or take a few) by his hand so the damage was already done. Most of the abuse happened before he knew I was gay. I still have issues with the "its not your fault" thing, even though deep down I know that none of it was my fault I somehow still feel like my parents got divorced because of me, and maybe the stress of that killed my dad. He may have been a shitty dad but he seemed to love my mom deep down.

I empathize with you. I know exactly where you have been and where you are now.

In truth you are doing all of this a lot better than me. I waiting until I was 30 to deal with it all, instead I turned to drinking oceans of alcohol while taking mountains of meth.

You are doing the right things - really you are and this should give you a sizable chunk of pride in self - well earned pride at that.

I know those 'wrong' feelings about situations. I wish I could hand you a specific date when you will stop feeling these things, I cannot. I do know that with me, after I seriously started working on my plate of crap, I did manage to sort through a decent chunk of it and things did get better. No not perfect, I'm still working on it - but then I started later and added a lot more crap - apparently meth and alcohol really doesn't fix anything. :tongue:

It appears you are a survivor and getting away from being a victim. That is a good thing. Yeah I know it may not feel good, and may be a painful long process, but you are on the road to recovery. Again another thing to have pride of self for.

It will get better.