Is this normal?

[archubbycub]

I'm setting here and I'm listening to my mom and my sister and family and friends talk about my dad and they're all laughing and having good time and telling stories. Of course there are the occasional moments of sadness and tears, but at the same time everyone seems to be dealing with this pretty well. Everyone except me that is.

I'm sir torn and hurt inside, not over the loss of my dad, because as I've said he and I made our peace before he got to where he couldn't respond. But it's more over the fact that I feel like I am being exclude from everything. And it's mainly coming from my sister. She is controlling everything. From what pictures are going to be in the slideshow of my dad to when the funeral is going to be. It's like she thinks it's all about her!

And another thing that is really bothering me is how everybody is going on and on about this cousin of mine, who granted was really close to my dad, but they are treating him as if he was my dad's son. And I'm being left out in the rain.

And I'm trying not to let anyone see that all of this is bothering me, simply because I want to be there for my mom. But it is really hurting me. I feel like I'm just some stranger who's interfering with their personal business. Or worse, like they don't even know I'm here.

And then I feel guilty for feeling like this because this is my family and we're all going through a rough time right now! I'm just so conflicted.

[megumidesu]

people cope with these things in different ways ~
maybe being controlling and dominating everything is how your sister is dealing with things ? i don't know her so i can't really say , but that could be it ...

maybe you could sit your mom down and talk to her about how your feeling . i'm not sure ... it's a difficult situation to give advice . i hope you're okay ~~

[archubbycub]

people cope with these things in different ways ~
maybe being controlling and dominating everything is how your sister is dealing with things ? i don't know her so i can't really say , but that could be it ...

maybe you could sit your mom down and talk to her about how your feeling . i'm not sure ... it's a difficult situation to give advice . i hope you're okay ~~

That's what I keep telling myself, that this is just her way of dealing with this. But it still agrevates me because I want to be a part of this too. I would say something to my mom, but I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is. It's just hard dealing with all of this.

[Nick9]

Hi,
I think that your sister's behavior is normal. This can really be her way how to deal with your dad's death.

Maybe she feels like she will go crazy just sitting there, doing nothing and because of it she overdoes it. She may feel like she is helping the others by doing everything herself.

It's just a guess.

If you don't like it, or if it is hurting you, try to tell her. You can tell her that you want to be engaged because it helps you deal with the loss. She may understand that.

Try to engage in those talk. Let them see and understand that you are there too. It's hurting you that they behave like they do and:

And I'm trying not to let anyone see that all of this is bothering me,

I don't think that this is a good thing. Try to change what you don't like. Perhaps not by telling them to back off, but by being more active.

If you don't, you may always think about your dad's funeral and feel this hurt and injustice (I don't know the right word here)

(((hug)))

[Nick9]

That's what I keep telling myself, that this is just her way of dealing with this. But it still agrevates me because I want to be a part of this too. I would say something to my mom, but I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is. It's just hard dealing with all of this.

Don't talk to your mother, but to your sister if that is possible...

Maybe you would like to do something special for your father? Something your sister didn't think about? Make the ceremony yours too. It can be done just by a special bouquet of flowers your father liked for example. Favorite song. Putting something into his pocket. Do you know what I mean?
I don't want you to think one day that someone stole the funeral from you

[ceez]

I agree with meg, this could just be how your sister cope with her feelings. I would tell her that I would like to be more involved. I have an aunt that's like that and she ran most of the show when my grandfather died.

[archubbycub]

Thank you guys. My mom gave me a cigarette case my dad used for me to remember him by, but I've decided that I'm going to put it in his shirt pocket with a note I wrote to him tellin how much I love him and how I know he loved me too no matter what. I know I don't need that cigarette case to remember my daddy and it's something I want to do.

[Nick9]

and you want to quit smoking, right? This decision of yours can be a nice "gift" from your father too...


Btw. you may want to check with the funeral home if it is allowed (I am sorry to be this expressive, but I was thinking about cremation and I doubt that would be possible in that case)

I think that funerals are not for the people who passed away, but for the ones that stayed. It's important to say good bye - the way WE feel we need too. Not our family, not the funeral home, not tradition. Make it special for you

[archubbycub]

Dad is not being cremated so it will be ok. And my mom put his glasses and glasses case in his pocket too. We got to see the body a little while ago and he looked really good. The funeral home did a really good job.

[princealbertofb]

Archubbycub, very, very sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept all my condolences. I don't think it would be out of turn to offer to read something as a tribute to him, a poem that makes you think of him, something you wrote yourself. You are allowed to bring that to the table too. That is, if you feel up to it. Good luck dealing with the bereavement.