Moral Dilemma

[pellaz]

you should decode and read between the lines about the "Moral Issues". That being society is trying to tell you to be careful when you pick your next relationship, be it friends+ or a lover in a gay or straight.
-safe sex to the max on this. You are trusting this partner with your life. It is ok to demand the previous sex history of you new partner.
-anticipate if you can accommodate the emotional room you need . Like anything you invite into your life, do you really really need want it and how much are you willing to give up for it.
-be selective, find a situation equal or better than before. In the end we always find what we are looking for given enough time.

[BobInTampa]

I love reading posts like this and then hearing back from the same poster 1, 2 or 3 years later bemoaning the fact that they gave up "X" number of years that they will never get back because their "moral" compass (put in place by their parents, family and church) made even the THOUGHT of being intimate with another person - paralyzing!

Look, we all make our own decisions! If you want to remain a virgin till you get married (oh wait, if you're gay you can only get married in a few states and countries)......ok, partnered - then wait. But, if as you consider your final decision - the fact that you're even having the internal debate means you're beginning to question that "moral compass" and THAT IS OK!

My advice? Take off all your clothes and look at yourself in the mirror. Does your body represent who you think you look like and feel like inside? If yes, GREAT! Take the next step in your life (be it remaining a virgin, or jumping into the dating pool)...if, on the other hand, it's NOT, then start that day taking steps to bring your outward person in line with your inner person!

Look, i know i'm gonna get bashed for this, but the gay world can be very cruel and shallow when it comes to outward appearance. And while that can be sad and unfortunate - it IS the world we live in. And, yes, many folks DO judge a book by it's cover and there's nothing more sad than reading posts on sites like this from young, overweight gay men who are single and looking for friends/boyfriends, etc and feeling rejected and avoided because they aren't in shape. Well, while those "shallow folks" are better off NOT being your friends, the pure fact of the matter is, if you DO take steps to get in shape - you'll FEEL better, LOOK better and your confidence will improve immeasurably!

When i came out, i was 70lbs overweight. My first few trips to gay bars and events made me feel so out of place - even tho i was OUT and HAPPY to be out, I felt out of place because i had given up on my body and appearance because i was unhappy as a str8 married man. Well, 4 months later, i'd shed 60lbs (due to good eating habits, moderate excercies and i cut out beer all together). When i went back to those very same bars and the next gay event, amazingly enough, i felt much more confident about walking around with my shirt off, smiling and mingling. I made friends with a bunch of guys over the next few months and then found myself truely ready to meet and date guys. The whole process took about 6 months - so it's not a crazy amount of time.

Bottom line, check yourself physcially and mentally before you make any final decisions about dating, intimacy and committments - if you don't love yourself (inside and out) then how are you ever going to love someone else!

Bash away folks!

[Lalo]

...

Look, i know i'm gonna get bashed for this, but the gay world can be very cruel and shallow when it comes to outward appearance. And while that can be sad and unfortunate - it IS the world we live in. And, yes, many folks DO judge a book by it's cover and there's nothing more sad than reading posts on sites like this from young, overweight gay men who are single and looking for friends/boyfriends, etc and feeling rejected and avoided because they aren't in shape. Well, while those "shallow folks" are better off NOT being your friends, the pure fact of the matter is, if you DO take steps to get in shape - you'll FEEL better, LOOK better and your confidence will improve immeasurably!
...
Bottom line, check yourself physcially and mentally before you make any final decisions about dating, intimacy and committments - if you don't love yourself (inside and out) then how are you ever going to love someone else!

Bash away folks!

I don't see a reason to "bash away". I think that what you said is very close to the mark and quite truthful. Most gay men are attached to the idea of a "perfect" body type. But there is also somebody for everybody. Some guys dig men with a little paunch. Hell, some get off on full-blown obesity. There are also men who won't date outside of their race, men who only like body hair, etc, etc.

But getting in shape should hopefully be as much or more about your own self image, as it is about attracting a partner. Like everything, there needs to be a balance. The most important thing is being happy with yourself. If losing weight makes you happy, go for it. But if you are happy being a little overweight, then be free to stay at that weight. Really, confidence and a sense of self is a hell of a lot sexier than any particular body type (In my opinion). But then again, I like ALL types of men!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah, I had those morals once.

ONCE.

And a lot of people still do. Its just SO difficult to find someone else who can appreciate that enough to want to get to know you.

I don't have intentional "flings". I mean I wont do anything with the guy unless I like him a lot.
But, like all pigs....er, I mean MEN......they disappear off the face of the planet, once they get their rocks off.

Well, that's my story and Im sticking to it.


Hope you have better luck than I did.

Hmm you haven't tried me... :biggrin:

[MisterTinkles]

Hmm you haven't tried me... :biggrin:

[starbelly]

This is basically my dilemma.

For one, I too, like you, was overweight for most of my childhood. I was thin for awhile around 19-20, and then had to have my thyroid removed due to cancer and that screwed my body up beyond belief. My doctors put me off thyroid hormone replacements after the surgery so that the radiation treatment would be effective, and I gained almost 60 pounds after that because my metabolism was so screwed up. It put a massive dent in what little self-esteem I did have, and I felt like crap. I've lost all of the weight since in the past seven months through a good diet (I'm a type 1 diabetic so I can't eat much sugar/carbs anyway), so, if the weight thing is an issue, always remember that it is changeable. It's not necessarily easy, but if you want it, you can do it.

Also, like you, I have standards about who I'll have sex with. I'm still a virgin and haven't dated, let alone kissed a guy before. Everything in the realm of sex is basically foreign to me, which kind of sucks. I don't have the confidence to put myself out there like I should, and honestly I don't know if I'm in the right place in my life to even pursue a relationship, but I want to so badly it's almost painful. I'm a bit of a romantic and I really yearn for affection and intimacy on any sort of level, but it just hasn't happened for me. It's mostly my fault, but I've also had the cards stacked against me too at times. I rarely truly "click" with people in general, so taking that in regard to the slim population of gay men, finding one that I'm compatible with seems extremely difficult— perhaps insurmountable. But I can only hope one day it materializes.

That said, I don't judge people who have a lot of casual sex. My best friend (female) has had sex with more people than I know I'll have sex with in my entire life, but I don't judge her for it. If that's what you like, then go for it. Monogamy doesn't suit everyone— in fact, sometimes monogamy is unhealthy depending upon the parties involved. I'm more "old fashioned" in some ways though I guess, in that I totally dig the idea of "settling down" with one partner— I'm a one man kind of guy.