Should I apologize to my dad for this?

[Electricsoda]

My dad just started dating again after my mom passed away a month ago. I was pretty upset because I was still grieving over her and my dad was together with someone a few short weeks. He probably knew that I was upset at him and he introduced me to his new partner, which was a guy. At the moment I didn't know what came over me but I was just yelling at him and his partner calling them fa**ot's and saying stuff I would never say at someone. It's now a week after that happened and my relationship with them is very distant. For some reason I don't really regret calling them that, but I miss having my father around. So I don't really know what to do because i'm not sure if he'll forgive me, but at the same time i think he should know why I should be angry.

[LONDONER]

Electricsoda, I can understand your upset fully. However, words spoken in anger are often regretted. Your father too should be understanding. You say that you are a gay friendly straight guy and the words you said were really hurtful. Had you no idea that your father was bisexual before this?

Even though your relationship is understandbly distant at the moment, I suggest that you make an attempt to speak to your father and explain how you feel, that you are upset that he should have started a relationship so soon afetr your mother's death and that he too, should have been more aware of your feelings. You miss him and he probably misses you too. Don't allow too much time to elapse because that will make things more difficult and the distance between you will become greater. Above all, don't allow this to become between you and your father, a relationship that I'm guessing was pretty close before. My dfather died before I was born so I never had a relationship with him. Had I had, then maybe my life would have been completely different, but I realise the value of a relationship between siblings and parents. It's valuable.

And yes, do aplogise to him.

[Nick9]

Hi,

you know if you feel like saying I am sorry is too much for you, why not starting a small talk about how you miss your mom. Talking about YOU not your father and his behavior. It would make your father understand (maybe he knows well already that you are hurting).

From this you can make another step to explaining why you felt so overwhelmed and angry when he introduced you to his partner.

It's possible that your mother knew about his being gay and maybe she knew about his partner as well. Now, he felt like it was time to introduce you too, but he didn't realize that it was too soon and you would feel it as an insult of your mother.

You would be hurt if he introduced you to a lady too. There are two different things here - the new relationship and your father being gay. Try to figure out what upsets you more.

It is possible that your father is gay (not bi) and it wasn't easy to stay in a marriage for so many years. I DON'T mean that he didn't love your mother! But it is possible that there was something missing all those years - for him. But he decided to stay with the family.

Don't be upset that he has found a guy. Your sexual preference is not something you can happily change.

You two need to talk, the more you will put it off, the harder it will be. Tell him that you thought that it was too soon and move from there to other issues you need to talk about.

Good luck

[dfiant]

You are both hurting and there is no amount of sorry's from either of you that will take that away or change what has happened. You are both insensitive to each other feelings and needs and one of you is going to have to be the 'man' and sit down together and alone and sort all of this out. The longer it goes on, the more distance will fall between the both of you.

[Beaux]

Maybe I just old fashioned, but imo your dad should be ashamed of himself. 3 weeks after the death of his spouse and he is DATING!?! That is SO, disrespectful to both the memory of his wife and the feelings of her relatives AND you--their child.
Honestly, I would assume that he has been "dating" this guy longer than a "few weeks"' and I would be PISSED.

[MisterTinkles]

My dad just started dating again after my mom passed away a month ago. I was pretty upset because I was still grieving over her and my dad was together with someone a few short weeks. He probably knew that I was upset at him and he introduced me to his new partner, which was a guy. At the moment I didn't know what came over me but I was just yelling at him and his partner calling them fa**ot's and saying stuff I would never say at someone. It's now a week after that happened and my relationship with them is very distant. For some reason I don't really regret calling them that, but I miss having my father around. So I don't really know what to do because i'm not sure if he'll forgive me, but at the same time i think he should know why I should be angry.

It is hard thinking of your parents as human beings, with flaws and all.
I think, somewhere in the back of your mind, you felt that your father was kicking your mothers memory....not only because he met someone so soon after, but because it was a guy.


I would call him up, meet him for coffee, write a letter, or write an email explaining your feelings.

I also think a nice "patch line" would be, "I just think it is too soon for you to be looking for someone else so soon after her passing away. It was a hard shock, and I probably would have said the same kind of things even if you introduced me to a woman. Im sorry" and then you can go on from there.


Its whats called a "knee jerk reaction". Something that just comes flying out of your mouth, without it passing through your brain first....so to speak.

If you ask for forgiveness, Im sure he will give it.

Hurt feelings may hurt for a while, but if you are truly sorry and repent, then hurt feelings do go away.

You might also think of it this way....your father had a wonderful life with your mother.
Would she want him sitting around moping over her for a long period of time?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Grief causes us to feel a lot of unpleasant emotions, and we are more prone to act out in a random way and feel a lot of stuff more keenly and even be annoyed by stuff that typically doesn't annoy us.

The stages of grief are:

Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

So your anger is valid, falls well within nominal parameters or for lack of a better word is 'normal'.

On one hand the word you used wasn't "acceptable" / "politically correct" to be used, however the crush of emotions you have at this time are valid, thus cancels out social politeness a little.

I'm going to assume that what bothers you is not their sexuality, but the suddenness of Dad meeting up with a new person, the lack of time to get used to the world without Mom and maybe even your needed to have 'just dad' to yourself for a while since you did lose the other parent.

Can you apologize for the words you used and still not apologize for what you feel? Yes to some degree the words you used are 'wrong' however you used those words for good reason, because of feelings you have which are undoubtedly difficult to express at this time.

You can apologize for HOW you said it... but do not apologize for how you are feeling.

Do try to explain to Dad that you feel that this suddenness dishonors their marriage, takes away from your belief that he loved Mom, or that you feel he has no love for mother - whatever the exact feelings you have here.

[Counselor]

My dad just started dating again after my mom passed away a month ago. I was pretty upset because I was still grieving over her and my dad was together with someone a few short weeks. He probably knew that I was upset at him and he introduced me to his new partner, which was a guy. At the moment I didn't know what came over me but I was just yelling at him and his partner calling them fa**ot's and saying stuff I would never say at someone. It's now a week after that happened and my relationship with them is very distant. For some reason I don't really regret calling them that, but I miss having my father around. So I don't really know what to do because i'm not sure if he'll forgive me, but at the same time i think he should know why I should be angry.

The bold-face selection, plus the fact that you are asking indicates you have some guilt about what you've said (terminology aside, it's only a word).

I'm only guessing, but your father must be in his mid-to-late forties or early fifties, and his sexuality is likely something he has struggled with for a very long time. His finding someone so quickly is possibly part of his grieving process of losing a longtime partner. This isn't to say it invalidates how you feel, but rejecting his attempts to become happy with someone can be hurtful for him. If he waited until your mother passed to start dating men, it speaks to a character of someone very dedicated and loyal, and if you want to benefit from that character being your father, I recommend you discuss why you lashed out at him, and apologize for the points you regret.

[Woollyhats]

My dad just started dating again after my mom passed away a month ago. I was pretty upset because I was still grieving over her and my dad was together with someone a few short weeks. He probably knew that I was upset at him and he introduced me to his new partner, which was a guy. At the moment I didn't know what came over me but I was just yelling at him and his partner calling them fa**ot's and saying stuff I would never say at someone. It's now a week after that happened and my relationship with them is very distant. For some reason I don't really regret calling them that, but I miss having my father around. So I don't really know what to do because i'm not sure if he'll forgive me, but at the same time i think he should know why I should be angry.

Yeah, you should. You don't think he's hurting that your mom died either? Your reaction is a lot like the angry child who resents his parents for purchasing a new pet after one has been deceased, because he fears the old one is being replaced, when in reality, the willingness to love another addition to the family is just sign that a recovery and acceptance of the former pet's passing is taking place.

You know that it's not true that your mom is being replaced. You know that's impossible, nothing can do that. So does your dad. No one can replace the person your mom was, but your dad has the right to make the choice to pursue another relationship or not. Yes, it was fast. But ultimately, that's something that is your father's responsibility. It may feel fast for you, but perhaps it doesn't feel like that for your father, and you have to respect that people are different.

If you want your father back in your life, you'll have to treat him with the basic respect everyone deserves, even if you personally feel that his tact after your mother's passing was God awful. You should also apologize to the partner. You called him a faggot and shouted anti-gay slurs over an anger that was essentially over your father, which wasn't fair to him. Apologizing to him will also show your father that you're taking the apology seriously, and increase his chances of forgiving you (which personally, I think is very likely. You are his son, and it's likely that right now he fears that you've rejected him, which is why he is being distant.

Lastly, tell him that you're in a difficult place right now, and that seeing him in a relationship so soon is hurting, and seems tactless. Don't be accusing or wanting to put him down, and don't use it as an excuse. Just let him know that so he can understand you better. Just assuming that he should know this is going to make your relationship more strained... if you want to eliminate distance, you need to fill it with communication... as, uhm, gay as that sounds. .

Good luck .

[Ryocchi]

Yeah, you should. You don't think he's hurting that your mom died either? Your reaction is a lot like the angry child who resents his parents for purchasing a new pet after one has been deceased, because he fears the old one is being replaced, when in reality, the willingness to love another addition to the family is just sign that a recovery and acceptance of the former pet's passing is taking place.
Good luck .

Excuse me but I dsagree with you, I'm gy, my family knows I'm gay, but if my father would do this I would probably flip out as strongly or worse than he did, because rationally i know he's a human being, but, he's my father, the one male figure who educated me my whole chldhood, who always had a solid and loving relationship with my mother, so for him, suddenly dating another person, specially a man just barely after a month of her death it would feel like all those years were lies, Kumawool, you need to understand that our parents are are our fundation, so a change like this is understandable, he's not being an "Angry child" he's just confused, hurting and feeling betrayed, even if rationally he knows better.