I'm very confused and heartbroken right now.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He was 18 when we first met, I was 23 - I was his first ever boyfriend.
Around 6 months into our relationship, he caught me cheating but never confronted me about it. In fact, he never raised it until 19 months into the relationship because he wanted to find a reason to stay. When he finally confronted me about it, I confessed and decided to end it. He said he didn't want me to leave because he forgave me. At that point, I realised I knew this guy was something. All his friends had told him to leave me, and he chose to stay.
In the mean time, the fact that I cheated had been consuming him. I assured him that I have changed, and that I want to spend my future with him. I knew what I did left a hole in his heart and shattered his perception of a fairytale relationship. But I told him I'll make it up to him.
My boyfriend is now suffering from depression because of his uni studies. The fact that I cheated only compounds that. He also says that he is losing feelings for me because I cannot give him what he wants. He wants to meet my family and friends, but because of my culture and job, I cannot come out so easily.
Last week, my boyfriend and I went to a party where we met someone, call him Jay. my boyfriend and Jay became chatting to each other. In the 3 days they met, my boyfriend slept over at Jay's house on the same bed. They didn't do anything, just hugged, held hands and cooked. My boyfriend met Jay's family and friends - everything my boyfriend wanted. My boyfriend tells me that in that short time, he fell in love with Jay, and has been losing feelings for me over time. He says he still loves me, but isn't sure if being with me makes him happy.
I confronted my boyfriend about it. He knew he was cheating on me emotionally. He couldn't choose between me or Jay. I told him he has known me for 2 years, and Jay for one week. I said ultimately, he has to choose what makes him happy, but that if he is to give us a chance, he has to minimise contact with Jay. My boyfriend is going on holidays in July, and says he will know what he wants when he returns. In the mean time, he says that I am his boyfriend - but you can imagine how insecure and hurt I am. I really want this relationship to work, but at the same time, I want my boyfriend to be happy.
What do I do? I'm so hurt now. I know I should end it, but I can't bring myself to do it. My boyfriend can't end it too, because he doesn't want to make a decision he regrets.
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Dragonboi, first of all  to GaySpeak, and secondly, I'm sorry you are going through such hard times emotionally.
I can understand the cheating six months into your relationship. 6 months isn't exactly life-affirming yet in any relationship. You had a bad idea to pursue it but maybe you also had a reason for doing it, which could be any reason. Let's say it was a bit of sex on the side, which maybe wasn't going too well for you within your relationship.
What has surely been eroding your relationship is more likely to be the fact that he's now feeling he can't trust you, or trust you to do the right thing. He wants to adopt not just a boyfriend but a partner for life, and partners for life include their families, I'm afraid.
If Jay has been able to introduce him to family and you haven't, it tips the scales on Jay's side for what your boyfriend has been looking for all along.
The question is, although it may be too late now, how to resolve the fact that you can't come out to your family. You live in Australia, apparently, and it shouldn't be so difficult for a young man to come out any more. Of course there are innumerable circumstances that may make it difficult, and I suggest you try and sort out some of those issues, because otherwise, the scenario is likely to repeat itself, unless you find a partner who is also (partly?) in the closet. How do you explain that you aren't out to your family, if I may ask?
I take it you two were not living together? Am I right?
Well, I think you should definitely stay with us here till we can see you through the torment of losing a boyfriend, if that's what's happening. Often, when people come to us telling us the story, they realise that they had the solution all along. In this case it seems it would be to let him go. That would be the biggest proof of love you could ever give him. You can't tie a man down, and you certainly can't make him love you, against his will.
Take care, Dragonboi and good luck, whatever you both decide to do.
PS Another solution is to have a healthy threesome, or to let each other have adventures on the side... (an open relationship). Is that a possibility? You'd need to set the rules.
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Your relationship has come to a breaking point because there was some fragility and some of the expectations weren't met. A relationship is made of some compromises, so you'd better find out what it is that you can compromise on, and what it is that you can't.
Am I getting the impression that your boyfriend is also now coming out of his studies and looking forward to a career or new job prospect? Something life altering?
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Hurts - don't it.
Perhaps this is only his way to do a tit for tat, put you in a little hurt to let you know exactly how it feels to be him... Or perhaps he really is discovering that you are not the only fish in the pond... In either case you are being taught a very important lesson here, and I hope the message is being driven home.
Your his first - how sweet. (Un)fortunately (it is really mixed on this), he hasn't had the experience to learn how many other men are out in the world. Thus he has maintained his romantic views on what a relationship is/means and stuck by you when it comes to the cheating, and most likely puts up with other stuff because he has a romantic, inexperienced view on what love is and what to expect from a relationship.
I fear that now he is getting a taste of the outside world, and now he has this other fella which appears to be able to give him that which he needs and wants.
If he is out and you are not, that is going to put strains on the relationship. There are reasons why many out gay men won't have anything to do with a closeted gay - it is too stressful, it means lying or hiding and having come out the last thing most guys want is to go back into the closet.
He is inexperienced, your his 'first'. Most guys won't bother with a relationship with a first time experience because we learn that once a guy gets a (one) taste they often go slut happy and want more experiences. You are fortunate in the fact that he stayed true to you.
His staying with you for two years, and not leaving when he could have (maybe should have?) tells me he is not a 'slut' type person, most likely he is very sincerely hardwired for relationships and actually needs one in order to be satisfied.
Another thing to consider here is the age. You young kids are rapidly learning about the real world, rapidly changing your views as you gain experiences dealing with day to day life. By the time you reach 30 your whole world view can do a 180.
What we want when we are 18 is rarely what we want when we are 20... in the course of 2 years we learn a lot about self, the world, relationships - everything and we come away with a much different view.
Also, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Jay is appealing because Jay is out to his folks. Jay hasn't cheated on your BF, and Jay is a 'fresh new start'. And it may have been better had Jay had sex with your BF instead of doing all of those nice romantic things like just cuddling, cooking together - that makes Jay a lot more appealing because Jay appears to not want 'just sex'.
Since he is forcing you to be the 'decider' here, you may want to take these sorts of things into consideration. If you can't give him what he wants/needs, then it is kinda wrong to hold on to him if you know he is being hurt.
Unless you can compete with Jay and actually make changes to meet the needs and some of the wants of your BF, then this relationship is not going to end well.
While you can't take back the cheating, and will have a real hard time winning back that trust, you can come out, you can take the 'risks' to meet some of the needs here.
Can you do that?
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My parents know I'm guy but have said they will never accept it, and that to hide that side from me. Essentially, a case of sweeping it under the carpet. I live at home, so I can't take my boyfriend to see them.
My boyfriend is currently a uni student. He has had a history of depression. The current bout is brought about by bring overwhelmed by his studies.
What Bowyn said is entirely true. I have told my boyfriend I'll share my friends with him. I actually came out yesterday to one if my friends and introduced my boyfriend to him. It's a start. But I know even if we don't work out, at least my friends know who I really am and love me for that.
My boyfriend has since told Jay not to contact him again. I ultimately told my boyfriend that it's not a decision between me or Jay, but a choice between a future with or without me. He can only be with me if that makes him happy. I'm just not sure if this is his depression consuming him or he is just confused. I still gave him time to think about us. In the mean time, I have tried harder to do special and sentimental things together. And I plan to introduce him to my friends.
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Since you all are deciding to stick it out, may I suggest couples counseling?
A couples therapist will get you two to communicate, really talk about stuff and get to know each other better.
And if he has depression, a bit of side line individual counseling will do wonders.
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a lot has been said here already. I can only add while he is gone send him some flowers or find some way to communicate with him while you two are apart.
congratulations in coming out, even a little. Even if you never come out to your parents.
your next project is to consider how to move in together. You know it would be nice to enjoy to the fullest your investment, the biggest one you will make in your life. When your bf is ready to leave the university would be nice if you guys had a flexable independent life to fall back to.
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You've already received alot of good advice, and i hope alot of folks who are still in the closet or living at home with a family that's not supportive. Why? Because this is a good life lesson. I'm not going to pile on, but the fact is, your BF made it clear that he wanted to meet your family (and i bet he also said he didn't care if they liked the fact that you guys were a couple or wanted to fully accept you were gay - he wanted to BE THERE for you, to support and love you during a difficult situation).
You can't change the past, but it sounds to me like he wanted a FULL and complete LTR with you and that meant you being OUT to everyone. If you werne't ready (or able) to do that (which is totally cool) you should NOT have entered into an LTR with him. I know it sucks, but you tried to have the best of both worlds, and now you're dealing with the consequences.
Now, about your cheating, i'm still trying to get my arms around the fact that your BF knew about you cheating for more than a year, but it didn't come up till recently. Can you fill in the details please?
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My boyfriend actually asked the guy I cheated with if it happened. That guy admitted it. This was apparentlt back in March to May last year. He only confronted me in January this year. Whoops, it was 9 months, not 19 months.
Why did he stay all this since March 2012? He said he wanted to see if I can give him a reason to stay and make it up to him. 
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He stayed because he loves you and really, really wants this relationship to work...
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Boyfriend loves another guy
