Criticism on a poem I made. Honest criticism.

[SolemnBoy]

...............................

[Kenny221]

It has a nice rhyming scheme, and the story itself is quite haunting as well, leaving a pretty nice lasting memory of the poem. I'm not much of an poet so I cannot give you any reliable criticism. You had a couple nice imagery, and the ending was nicely done. Again, I'm not much of an poet so I really can't see any faults in your poem.

[SolemnBoy]

It has a nice rhyming scheme, and the story itself is quite haunting as well, leaving a pretty nice lasting memory of the poem. I'm not much of an poet so I cannot give you any reliable criticism. You had a couple nice imagery, and the ending was nicely done. Again, I'm not much of an poet so I really can't see any faults in your poem.

Oh. Well thanks for leaving your opinion at the very least! I appreciate it
Hopefully someone else will come along to do the criticizing for you. Although I wouldn't want to show this to an actual poet!

[Tyrion]

Good imagery, I like the story a lot .

As for criticism, sometimes the flow was a little disjointed. I would suggest maybe breaking up some of the longer sentences into verses. I know this makes the poem seem longer.. but sometimes it's better that way, as most people read poetry line by line.

Overall though I really like it a lot. Poetry is completely subjective though, so it's always hard for me to give good criticism.

[SolemnBoy]

Good imagery, I like the story a lot .

As for criticism, sometimes the flow was a little disjointed. I would suggest maybe breaking up some of the longer sentences into verses. I know this makes the poem seem longer.. but sometimes it's better that way, as most people read poetry line by line.

Overall though I really like it a lot. Poetry is completely subjective though, so it's always hard for me to give good criticism.

Thanks! I can see what you mean and I'll try to fix it!

[VNight2014]

I like it. It's a nice poem.

[OrphanPip]

I find some of the rhymes come a bit forced, like you struggled to get to that last word of each line, and that produces some awkward phrases (to grime sounds awkward to me). One way I'd recommend to get around this is that you reduce the amount of rhymed lines per stanza, you can retain a story-book rhyming type feel without having to adhere strictly to the rhyme, which becomes distracting because of how persistent it is. There's a reason Mother Goose nursery rhymes are so short, because the form becomes quickly exhausting.

Plath does this well in "Daddy" where the "ou" sound creeps in more persistently as the poem progresses with words like you, Jew, two, du, do, through, until it builds to the final "I'm through." And the rhymes return persistently at the end to create a feeling a emotional distress.
http://www.sylviaplath.de/plath/daddy.html

This leads me to the third stanza, that reuse of the "ed/rd" ending leaves me a bit breathless, it's like the hammering of a drum and I'm not sure it fits the content of that stanza. One of the major rules of poetry should be that form mirrors content. Is that effect what you want from those rhymes?

Poe's "Annabel Lee" might also be useful for giving you ideas on ways to improve the poem. Poe, like Plath, uses the recurring "ee" sound to bring the poem's subject persistently back to Annabel Lee, who the speaker is obsessed with (like how Plath's speaker is obsessed with the "you"). Poe keeps the rhymes in his poem a lot more than Plath does, and so he might produce an effect more to your liking. What he does to avoid the pitfalls of rhyming poetry is that he consistently varies the rhyme scheme, and the use of a single unifying rhyme gives it a ritualistic feel. (Of course you did use it a bit already)

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/annabel-lee/

Tennyson's "The Lady of Shalott" could also be useful, though I find Tennyson far too old fashioned in his tone to achieve what you seem to want.
http://www.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/shalott.htm

[SolemnBoy]

I find some of the rhymes come a bit forced, like you struggled to get to that last word of each line, and that produces some awkward phrases (to grime sounds awkward to me). One way I'd recommend to get around this is that you reduce the amount of rhymed lines per stanza, you can retain a story-book rhyming type feel without having to adhere strictly to the rhyme, which becomes distracting because of how persistent it is. There's a reason Mother Goose nursery rhymes are so short, because the form becomes quickly exhausting.

Plath does this well in "Daddy" where the "ou" sound creeps in more persistently as the poem progresses with words like you, Jew, two, du, do, through, until it builds to the final "I'm through." And the rhymes return persistently at the end to create a feeling a emotional distress.
http://www.sylviaplath.de/plath/daddy.html

This leads me to the third stanza, that reuse of the "ed/rd" ending leaves me a bit breathless, it's like the hammering of a drum and I'm not sure it fits the content of that stanza. One of the major rules of poetry should be that form mirrors content. Is that effect what you want from those rhymes?

Poe's "Annabel Lee" might also be useful for giving you ideas on ways to improve the poem. Poe, Plath, uses the recurring "ee" sound to bring the poem's subject persistently back to Annabel Lee, who the speaker is obsessed with (like how Plath's speaker is obsessed with the "you"). Poe keeps the rhymes in his poem a lot more than Plath does, and so he might produce an effect more to your liking. What he does to avoid the pitfalls of rhyming poetry is that he consistently varies the rhyme scheme, and the use of a single unifying rhyme gives it a ritualistic feel.

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/annabel-lee/

Thanks! Poe's Annabel Lee is one of my favourites so I wanted to open up in the same way. Semi-plagiarism for the win!

I'll try to work with the things you suggested. I'll definitely look into Plath, I'm not as familiar with her as I should be.

[Dan1980]

Sole I would of loved to read your poem but its gone.

[Wade]

Oh now....

Stop that. Put it back up, you.