dean Wrote:Thanks Bowyn Aerrow, you could be right, and this thought had crossed my mind - the only thing that I don't understand about that scenario was that if he was a player, and just wanted to shag around, he could have done that easily - there are plenty of apps to get a quick shag and I know people that do it all the time, so I don't get why he would do all that to me just to sleep with me.... But I guess I will take this with me tomorrow as well.
This type of person doesn't want the "easy" lay; they get a thrill on making a guy fall for them, bedding them, then ending it with them. I hope this isn't the case, but I think this is the type of guy to which Bowyn was referring.
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dean Wrote:Thanks Bowyn Aerrow, you could be right, and this thought had crossed my mind - the only thing that I don't understand about that scenario was that if he was a player, and just wanted to shag around, he could have done that easily - there are plenty of apps to get a quick shag and I know people that do it all the time, so I don't get why he would do all that to me just to sleep with me.... But I guess I will take this with me tomorrow as well.
I used to hunt animals. The whole deal was not just the kill, there was the hunt - the waiting, stalking, following signs, and slowly locating the prey, taking aim, then finally taking your prey.
Yes its predatory and calls to something deep within the animal mind.
The taste of game that you brought down yourself is not the same as game brought down by another or even the beef that is sold on a market shelf.
The same sort of emotions are called on when a guy goes hunting for sex.
Sure, he could go to the market (Grindr for example) and pick up a slab of meat off the shelf. But its not as much fun and rewarding as hunting down that prey, as stalking it and slowly going in for the kill.
Its that forbidden fruit and fruit just out of our reach thing taking place. Sure the fruit closest to hand is the same kind of fruit, but something inside of us knows that that piece of fruit just beyond our fingertips is sweeter, tastier and somehow better than the fruit we can reach.
Understand this most likely wasn't just about the sex, it was about how he got the sex, how we managed to 'score' with you. Yes it sounds sick, and in some ways it is, however humans are hard-wired for predation, we are omnivores and have a long hunter evolution that nothing in modern society really satisfies.
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There are a 1000 and 1 possible reasons for this guy’s behavior – unfortunately, nobody but him will know the true reasons/motivations - for his hurtful behavior towards you. I could guess, based on life experience, but then that’s just what it would be - a guess.
None of us likes rejection or being led down a blind alley, it’s hurtful, unfortunately it happens; I'm really sorry, he did it to you.
The only advice I can offer you is, ask your questions, but, know that any answers he gives you are going to fall into the same category as his behavior - just wrong. Keep the meeting short; as soon as your questions and his answers are over, don’t linger, confidently stand up from your seat, look him square in the eye, shake his hand and say, it was eye opening to meet someone like you, nothing more, then without hesitation, turn around, walk out, and don't look back, for any reason.
As you’re walking away from him and back into your own life - you will be bringing home with you what he tried to take away: your self respect/confidence.
Leave all his hurtful behavior where it belongs, with him, and remember - you’re the better man.
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Hi all, just thought I would let you know how it went for anyone that is interested.
At first it was a little awkward to talk about as we were just talking about normal things like we used to. Once we started talking about everything I guess it all made sense and I'm so glad that I saw him again. He basically told me that it all went too fast and while he was enjoying it, he realised that he couldn't commit to me 100 percent and didn't wanna get too involved for chance any of us got too hurt. He is thinking of moving back to Slovakia next year and my job also takes me out of London for weeks sometimes and whilst I was happy to live for the moment, he said that he wasn't and he either wanted to commit 100 percent or didn't. I was reallywqwq sad but and I can't make him or expect him to change his mind. He told me that he does miss me and that he was falling for me too and that's why he wanted to end it before we got too serious and would have to spend time apart.
I guess we are just very different people and I didn't know he was planning to move back to Slovakia. I guess I can see where he was coming from I just wish it could have turned out differently. I feel his decision was based on his head not his heart. At one point he said he thought we could have been soul mates but because of all these reasons he didn't wanna relationship right now. That was upsetting to hear.
So it ended with him asking to stay friends and I said no basically because I need to get him out of my system.
Thanks for all your advice. You've all been amazing and when I nervously posted this the other day I never imagined how much you would be able to help. I will miss him and think it's a real shame that we didn't give it a go properly but I feel much better after meeting him to talk. I do believe he is a lovely guy and he didn't mean this to happen the way it did.
X
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HI Dean,
Glad to hear you at least got some closure on the whole thing. Sounds like you made the right decision.
Mr Right is out there and he'll find you eventually 
Glad the forum was able to help.
ObW
X
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Hello Dean, first, I'm new to the site as well.
My first advice would be no to obsess about this, no matter how he was at first, in the end he didn't want to be your friend, I know is dificcult because you had no resolution, but if you keep thinking on it, it will only hurt you, even f later he miracously apologizes, bottom line he hurt you and wasn't very nice about it, he doesn't deserve you anymore, so you see, there's no ponit in obsessing, he appeared to be a very nice guy n the beginning, I know, but there's nothing worth in investing your time or midnd on this, you weren't great friends for long, so My second advice would be to try to think positively, for instance it's a good thing this happened now and not later, and my final advice, dismiss it, I know is hard, but rely on your friends, and try to not give importance to it, C'est la vie, better guys will come, you seem like a very nice man, take it as an experience, move on a be happy!
Best of wishes, Ryo.
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Thanks for your replies guys. Over a week has passed since we met and discussed everything and it's not been easy I must admit. I have missed him a lot and I don't know why because we only knew each other a month! I just feel so stupid. Anyway, I text him earlier today asking him how he is (because I genuinely do wonder how he is - When we were seeing each other he text me constantly and told me he missed me all the time), and he just text back saying not to text him again. I was hurt and reminded him that he was the one who wanted to stay friends and I was only asking him how he was! Basically texts went between us and we both ended up saying nasty things to each other. I have deleted his number now and also blocked on Facebook (he had already deleted me off FB anyway) because I just don't want to talk to him anymore or see his picture at the click of a button. The horrible thing is, is that I still really miss him and I am so confused. I have never felt like this before and it's just eating me up inside. I'm usually a very happy person and now I just feel so down - I mean I have cried every day at some point since it all happened. I just want to be with him and still don't know where it all went wrong. Like I said, the day before he cooled things off, everything was great - one thing that I failed to mention in my original message was that he told me that he loved me. Am I stupid for still wanting him back? I just don't seem to be feeling any better!
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ok i realise i am late for the party but i have time to post now and since you are still confused and looking for answers, i will tell you why you failed with mr. slovakia.
the short answer is this: you became too available, you offered no challenge and succumbed to his looks and flirtations in a matter of weeks.
this has nothing to do with him going back to slovakia or not being out to his family or friends (he wanted to be your boyfriend remember?)
but lets have a look in detail:
"First date was amazing, we really hit it off and a coffee turned into lunch, which turned into a walk, which turned into a drink, then another drink, then we went for dinner, and then more drinks, and we spent basically 12 hours together and then we both went home. He was texting me right away telling me that he was so pleased to have met me and wanted to see me again soon. I told him I felt the same, and we met again only a couple of days later. This then went on for a couple of weeks, and we spoke every day on the phone and texting and dating, and he was just the cutest, kindest and sweetest person I felt I'd met - he told me things that blew me away, and two weeks into dating him, I was falling for him. "
you don't spend 12 hours with anyone on your first date. you meet, you chat, and when emotions are in the stratosphere after two or three hours you LEAVE.
you do not meet again a couple of days later. you WAIT. don't you have a life? Of course you are gagging to see him again but you just rushed into battle after two days - and to top it off, you replied to his every single text message and messaged him EVERY DAY.
recipe for disaster.
"He told me that when I got back he wanted to see me right away and be with me - I said don't you wanna be with your friends for the evening, or should I come and join you, but he said no, that he just wanted to be with me. So he did - I got back to London at 17.30, and he was there waiting for me!"
-hello? you there?
-yes! i am free for YOU baby! just name the place and the time and i will show up!
the pinnacle of predictability.
"We went out again on more dates, and then a week last Saturday, he again came to mine, he was talking about going on holiday with me and everything was great. He stayed over - Sunday was his day off, and mine, so we were going to spend the day together doing something; looking for a holiday was one of the things on the list. "
Three weeks into dating and you are planning holidays together? Yes i get it was HIS idea but what were you thinking? I tell you what you were thinking: "Of course dear just chose a date and name the place and I'll show up!"
THREE WEEKS..
"He then text me after he finished about 5pm just saying that he had finished and was going to the gym and then going to meet a friend for dinner, and he'd speak to me later!"
That was no "ordinary" friend. Trust me. he texted you to lay the field of what was coming ahead.
in three weeks, you had texted each other every day, went on even more dates, planned holidays together and you were always available for him.
he just became bored with too much predicability, availability and extra helpings of you.
"So I text him a few days later (last Wednesday) saying how about we go for that drink sometime? I was hoping that if he did go for a drink I would be able to speak to him about it face to face and I kinda also just wanted to see how he would act to me in person. And he text back saying no and that he didn't even want to be friends."
you begged. you may not see it this way, but the moment he said he just "wanted to be friends" you should have deleted his number then and there. the damage was done and the very worse thing you could have done is lower yourself even more by begging to be heard in an audience with him to plead you case.
hope this has helped.
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Thanks for your reply Aeneas. I guess that's one way of looking at it but I don't agree with some of what you've said. For example - the first date lasting a long time - yes I know that's not normal, I have been on first dates before... I'm not stupid. But what was I supposed to do? Say to him "This is not normal first date etiquette, I'm going home now" - it was a mutual feeling that we wanted to carry on spending time together. And you said that I replied to every text like it is a bad thing... of course I wanted to reply to him because I liked him - I don't wanna mess about and play games not replying, what is the point in that?! Surely when two people start to fall for each other they do want to see each other all the time and text each other all the time... It just hit me hard when he called things off but I am feeling much better about it now and the best way is just to put him out of my head :-)
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dean Wrote:Thanks for your reply Aeneas. I guess that's one way of looking at it but I don't agree with some of what you've said. For example - the first date lasting a long time - yes I know that's not normal, I have been on first dates before... I'm not stupid. But what was I supposed to do? Say to him "This is not normal first date etiquette, I'm going home now" - it was a mutual feeling that we wanted to carry on spending time together. And you said that I replied to every text like it is a bad thing... of course I wanted to reply to him because I liked him - I don't wanna mess about and play games not replying, what is the point in that?! Surely when two people start to fall for each other they do want to see each other all the time and text each other all the time... It just hit me hard when he called things off but I am feeling much better about it now and the best way is just to put him out of my head :-)
you should have told him you had plans - that you had someone to go meet.
and if he texted you that often, no, you should have ignored some of his texts and texted back hours later. you are not a pavlovian dog that automatically responds to stimulus.
and i perfectly understand you were under the love narcotic effect and couldn't let go. hence why you became so available, so predictable and ultimately so boring.
the flame just got too intense too fast... and it burnt out - at least in his case.
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Advice on a guy
