Is this what a crush feels like?
06-26-2013, 10:29 PM
I'm 20 years old and I came out to my family and a few close friends just over a month ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Probably even more so because I am introverted, fairly shy, and I don't like a lot of attention. I also get anxiety, which made coming out seem a lot scarier in my head. Everyone that I've told so far has been completely loving, fully accepting, even a little surprised but nothing on the negative side.
My problem now is that I've basically spent my entire life hiding from who I am. I've perfected the art of "hiding" down to a science and it's engrained in a large part my personality. I've gotten really good at making myself practically invisible because that is what my energy has been focused into for my whole life. I haven't had the confidence to speak my truth until just recently. You can imagine what this has done to my relationships. I dated a couple of girls in high school (all short-lived of course) but never have had any experience in the world of gay dating.
My closest friend, Emily, that I first came out to rents an apartment in the city with one other girl and a boy named Paul who is also gay. He is also my age but has been out for almost 5 years. He is extremely comfortable with himself and his sexual orientation. He's very extroverted and can make small talk about anything. He's friendly and full of life, like a breath of fresh air. I'm more of a quiet, serious person, but when I'm around him I feel flighty and giddy, like I just inhaled the helium from a balloon. I'm usually a well-composed person but when I'm around him I feel like a spinning compass that doesn't know where north is. I'm not used to this feeling because I've been guarded for so long and I don't really know what to do with it.
He's the only other person I know that is gay and I wonder if my feelings are for this reason and this reason alone. If I were to explore the world of dating more maybe I would feel this way around someone else too. However, I don't know where/when that would ever happen because I don't like going out to bars or loud places to meet new people and I already kinda know Paul. I met him over a year ago but've only seen him every other month or two and our encounters are usually very brief or very awkward or both.
This past weekend I went on a camping trip up north with Emily, Paul and two other girls (Katy and Julia). It was something we had all been wanting to do for a while and had talked about a lot beforehand so we were really excited that it was finally happening. My personal goal for the trip(besides having a blast and enjoying the beautiful landscape!) was to basically feel things out and see if I could find out if Paul had any interest in me. I have virtually no experience in this type of thing and I feel like I push people away without evening meaning to because I've been doing it for so long.
So we get to the campground and start setting up. We have two tents to fit 5 people. I start setting up the tent I brought and Paul starts to help me. Katy is not much of camper so she watches while Emily and Julia start setting up the other tent. When we're finished I throw my sleeping bag into my tent and Paul does the same. Later Katy adds her sleeping bag too; the other tent is too small for 3 people. Maybe I'm over thinking and he just threw his stuff down where ever it was easiest, but why right next to mine?
The next day we are sightseeing after a morning hike, and we find some cliffs on the ocean side. Its a beautiful view and the water is crystal clear and shimmering with the sun shining into it. One of the cliffs is about 40 ft above a cave and the water is deep at the point where the cave's mouth meets the ocean. I suggest we all jump in to cool off. Paul is into it right away but the girls are too scared("the waves look real strong, what if they slam us into the rocks?" "are you sure its deep enough?" "i'd rather swim in a lake"). The girls move on to look at another trail. We run back up the short trail where the car is to change into our bathing suits and grab towels. On the way back down the trail, Paul stops suddenly. I look up at him to see what's up and see him smiling mischievously. We lock eyes for several seconds while he whips out his dick and starts taking a piss. I then realize that I'm still staring so I kinda stumble forward and keep walking. We get to the cliff and he says he's too scared to jump so I do it first to show him where it's safe. He's still shaking so he decides to jump from the lower cliff instead.
That night we all go to the showers. Paul and I head to the men's side with our quarters(4 quarters = 2 minutes, so we gotta be quick) and change of clothes in hand. At the end of his 2 minutes Paul is done but yells over to me that he forgot his towel. I have 8 quarters and was just about to start my next 2 minutes so I offered my towel to him so he can run back to the car to grab his for me to use. He uses mine, runs back, says he can't find his, so we use the same towel. After I'm clean and dry we all head back out to the car, where Paul announces "oh I did have it" holding up his towel with a smile and a laugh. It was right out in the open. I don't know how he could have missed it.
So maybe I'm way over thinking but I can't tell if a)this kid is just screwing with me because he knows I have essentially no experience, b)he is interested and is trying to tell me, or c)I'm totally over thinking and these are all normal situations.
I typed this all out mainly to organize my thoughts and to help stop the compulsive thinking I get so easily caught up in. My intention is to let some of these thoughts out, so I can determine my next step with a clear mind. I don't really know why I decided to post on here specifically. Maybe someone here's been in a similar situation at some point in their life? Just seems like a friendly, open place. anyways, thanks for reading :]
My problem now is that I've basically spent my entire life hiding from who I am. I've perfected the art of "hiding" down to a science and it's engrained in a large part my personality. I've gotten really good at making myself practically invisible because that is what my energy has been focused into for my whole life. I haven't had the confidence to speak my truth until just recently. You can imagine what this has done to my relationships. I dated a couple of girls in high school (all short-lived of course) but never have had any experience in the world of gay dating.
My closest friend, Emily, that I first came out to rents an apartment in the city with one other girl and a boy named Paul who is also gay. He is also my age but has been out for almost 5 years. He is extremely comfortable with himself and his sexual orientation. He's very extroverted and can make small talk about anything. He's friendly and full of life, like a breath of fresh air. I'm more of a quiet, serious person, but when I'm around him I feel flighty and giddy, like I just inhaled the helium from a balloon. I'm usually a well-composed person but when I'm around him I feel like a spinning compass that doesn't know where north is. I'm not used to this feeling because I've been guarded for so long and I don't really know what to do with it.
He's the only other person I know that is gay and I wonder if my feelings are for this reason and this reason alone. If I were to explore the world of dating more maybe I would feel this way around someone else too. However, I don't know where/when that would ever happen because I don't like going out to bars or loud places to meet new people and I already kinda know Paul. I met him over a year ago but've only seen him every other month or two and our encounters are usually very brief or very awkward or both.
This past weekend I went on a camping trip up north with Emily, Paul and two other girls (Katy and Julia). It was something we had all been wanting to do for a while and had talked about a lot beforehand so we were really excited that it was finally happening. My personal goal for the trip(besides having a blast and enjoying the beautiful landscape!) was to basically feel things out and see if I could find out if Paul had any interest in me. I have virtually no experience in this type of thing and I feel like I push people away without evening meaning to because I've been doing it for so long.
So we get to the campground and start setting up. We have two tents to fit 5 people. I start setting up the tent I brought and Paul starts to help me. Katy is not much of camper so she watches while Emily and Julia start setting up the other tent. When we're finished I throw my sleeping bag into my tent and Paul does the same. Later Katy adds her sleeping bag too; the other tent is too small for 3 people. Maybe I'm over thinking and he just threw his stuff down where ever it was easiest, but why right next to mine?
The next day we are sightseeing after a morning hike, and we find some cliffs on the ocean side. Its a beautiful view and the water is crystal clear and shimmering with the sun shining into it. One of the cliffs is about 40 ft above a cave and the water is deep at the point where the cave's mouth meets the ocean. I suggest we all jump in to cool off. Paul is into it right away but the girls are too scared("the waves look real strong, what if they slam us into the rocks?" "are you sure its deep enough?" "i'd rather swim in a lake"). The girls move on to look at another trail. We run back up the short trail where the car is to change into our bathing suits and grab towels. On the way back down the trail, Paul stops suddenly. I look up at him to see what's up and see him smiling mischievously. We lock eyes for several seconds while he whips out his dick and starts taking a piss. I then realize that I'm still staring so I kinda stumble forward and keep walking. We get to the cliff and he says he's too scared to jump so I do it first to show him where it's safe. He's still shaking so he decides to jump from the lower cliff instead.
That night we all go to the showers. Paul and I head to the men's side with our quarters(4 quarters = 2 minutes, so we gotta be quick) and change of clothes in hand. At the end of his 2 minutes Paul is done but yells over to me that he forgot his towel. I have 8 quarters and was just about to start my next 2 minutes so I offered my towel to him so he can run back to the car to grab his for me to use. He uses mine, runs back, says he can't find his, so we use the same towel. After I'm clean and dry we all head back out to the car, where Paul announces "oh I did have it" holding up his towel with a smile and a laugh. It was right out in the open. I don't know how he could have missed it.
So maybe I'm way over thinking but I can't tell if a)this kid is just screwing with me because he knows I have essentially no experience, b)he is interested and is trying to tell me, or c)I'm totally over thinking and these are all normal situations.
I typed this all out mainly to organize my thoughts and to help stop the compulsive thinking I get so easily caught up in. My intention is to let some of these thoughts out, so I can determine my next step with a clear mind. I don't really know why I decided to post on here specifically. Maybe someone here's been in a similar situation at some point in their life? Just seems like a friendly, open place. anyways, thanks for reading :]
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