Self-Mutilation

[Anonymous]

Ever since I was a little boy, I'd dealt with self-harm in one way or another... be it from pulling the hairs on my head one by one, to the point of having bald patches on my scalp, to washing my hands in an extreme & excessive nature, to where the skin on them would dry out, crack and bleed.

Then I entered puberty, where, with the initiation of popping facial zits, attained the gift of dermatillomania, of which I, although greatly tamed these days, still have episodes of, affecting all areas of my body. I keep my nails really short, because otherwise, I'll pick my skin like a junkie. Not cute.

Then, in my early teens, as the onset of chemical imbalances in my brain ensued to dark and broken places, I, upon one mere accident in the kitchen, spawned a gradual addiction to self-mutilation in cutting.

I'd overcome it, for the most part, when I figured the origins of why I did it and couldn't stop...other than the euphoric trance induced by every blade to the skin, it gave me a power of sorts, one of which I'd always yearned for: control...

I'd relapsed a hand full of times since then, but have sustained abstinence in almost two months.

I'm ashamed of the scars left behind after a decade of breaking skin. They make me feel broken and disfigured. I can hide most of them with everyday cloths, but once disrobed, I'm taken back to looming self-hatred at what I see, with the fear and shame inflamed further by intimate experiences tainted by having to confront others with my interpersonal taboo.

Am I alone in this? Can anyone relate?

[Cptjackstar]

I personally don't care whether I post anonymosly or not. I'm sorry you did those things but I understand why you did them. I sometimes still get very anxious when I go out in public with a short sleeved t-shirt and I will never ever wear shorts, I have too many large scars down there. I understand the power and security it gives you, how it enables you to feel some sense of control. I'm glad you havn't done it in a while, that's a great achievement! You should be proud of that

[spencer]

I started cutting at about 13 and it is continued to come and go even now and I'm 21. I have roughly 50 very visible scars on each forearm and I have several on both legs (although hair hides most of them) and many on my shoulders. It was actually just a couple months ago that I realized how noticeable the scars on my arms are.

There are many scar removal products out there and I've tried various ones but never for long enough to see much of a difference and I think most work best when they scars are new. But, I have considered seeing a dermatologist and looking in to more extreme ways scar removal. From what I've read it's not likely that they can be completely removed but can be lightened enough that they aren't or aren't very noticeable. I think it's definitely worth saving up for. Even if I am at peace with my scars I think it will be a good way to express the new and improved person I've become.

I'm not really ashamed of my scars. The one's on my arms are mostly from middle school and looking at them reminds me of what a terrible dark time that was but to me it's kind of a good thing. It causes me to look at back at who I was and then I think about who I am now. And while I've still got a lot crap going on comparing to when the scars were made I've really made a lot of progress so it makes me see how far I've come and how much I've grown. I've gotten surprisingly few comments on them from people and when I do it's awkward but it does offer an opportunity to open up to someone else which is something I fail at.

Congrats on your abstinence! Never forget what you've accomplished.

[Grey]

Been there, done that. I think a lot more people out there cut than admit it to be honest. I have a ton of scars, some caused by myself, some caused by others and I don't really like people seeing them. I know that it is hard to stop doing and that a lot of people don't understand that. What I do is call my best friend anytime I feel like doing something harmful and he talks me down. It help a lot just to talk to someone about it who isn't going to look at you like your an idiot. It'll get easier with time.

[Nick9]

Hi Anon,
yes I can relate. For me it's not about power though, it's about punishing myself and getting rid of the stress. I've been doing it for uh, twenty years, slowly escalating it. I have never cut though, even though I had periods of time when I almost wasn't able to fight the urge.

I was thinking about the same thing spencer said - try to look at the scars as at a reminder of the journey you have already covered.

If you need some tips how to fight the urge, search for threads started by SadSilence....

And congratulation on your achievement! I am not that strong

[MisterTinkles]

I have never cut myself on purpose, unless it was to get a splinter out of my finger or something.
Im on the border of understanding why someone would want to constantly cut themselves. I havent talked to enough people who do it, to really understand any generalized definition of why its done.

As for getting rid of scars. There is laser surgery, dermabrasions, plastic surgery, and some skin products help.

When my sister was little, she always ran outside barefoot. And she ALWAYS found the broken glass on the sidewalk or street and of course stepped in it. She had fallen in glass and cut her leg a couple of times. My mother found out that Palmers Cocoa Butter cream works for getting rid, or blending in scars. Its real cocoa butter, which has something in it that helps smooth rough and/or damaged skin.
She used that stuff on my sisters scars every night before bed and every morning before school, and within a year, my sisters scars had disappeared.

I cut my knee open on a piece of glass once and had a nasty, ugly scar. I used the cocoa butter on it for a year and it blended in pretty well. If you look, you can see where the scar used to be, but if youre not looking for it, you wont see it.



You want the stuff in the plastic container, as shown....its the strongest.
It might help, it might not. You may have to use it for a few years on tough scars to see if it will help blend them in.

Also really good for 'racoon eyes'. I had purple rings under my eyes for as long as I can remember, and I used this stuff under my eyes for a year back in the 80's, and the purple rings went away and have never come back.

[VNight2014]

I never have self-harmed but I know people who have. Truthfully I understand why people do it, and I accept people who do it. I really think people who have and stop are some of the best and strongest people alive.

All I can say is find a healthy outlet. All of my friends turned to art or cyber dancing.

Hope you find a way to recovery.
Deshend ahiy notosk maiinlb sokutuske

[Miles]

I want to give everyone in this thread the biggest hug in the universe. Not that it will help but it will make me feel like a more gooder person and I'm selfish like that. Also y'all deserve all the hugs forever.

Yes, even Tinkles. Because the story about your sister sounds like it hurts like fuck (my brother had bad luck with his feet as a kid: getting stabbed in the arch by a wooden plank, stepping on a model plane and having the metal tail break on his foot, stepping on a fucking dead jellyfish and getting stung when he was fucking three oh my jesus fuck.)

[Anonymous]

I've sought out remedies (cocoa butter didn't help), and had even consulted a dermatologist before about diminishing the look and feel of them.

She said lasers and especially dermabrasions have a very high risk or actually adding to and magnifying the scarring. I asked her about skin grafts, and she said the end result would be very undesirable, and worse off than my original scarring.

Then she recommended scar camouflage which is essentially a cosmetic re-pigmentation procedure through tattooing to blend the tones of the scar tissue with the surrounding skin. It's very expensive, and not promised to actually work as desired, given the complication of finding an exact ink tone to match one's skin, and can make things worse in some cases. Also, the scar ruggedness stays the same.

With my best option being what it is, I figured, I'd just find an tattoo artist, and get an amazing custom cover up piece. I like tattoos, and have always wanted some.

Problem is, I can't find too many resources, if any on finding a tattoo artist who specializes in tattooing scar tissue. It requires great expertise to pull of, so I'd want the best, and am willing to pay. If anyone can pull something up for me, let me know!

[MisterTinkles]

I've sought out remedies (cocoa butter didn't help), and had even consulted a dermatologist before about diminishing the look and feel of them.

She said lasers and especially dermabrasions have a very high risk or actually adding to and magnifying the scarring. I asked her about skin grafts, and she said the end result would be very undesirable, and worse off than my original scarring.

Then she recommended scar camouflage which is essentially a cosmetic re-pigmentation procedure through tattooing to blend the tones of the scar tissue with the surrounding skin. It's very expensive, and not promised to actually work as desired, given the complication of finding an exact ink tone to match one's skin, and can make things worse in some cases. Also, the scar ruggedness stays the same.

With my best option being what it is, I figured, I'd just find an tattoo artist, and get an amazing custom cover up piece. I like tattoos, and have always wanted some.

Problem is, I can't find too many resources, if any on finding a tattoo artist who specializes in tattooing scar tissue. It requires great expertise to pull of, so I'd want the best, and am willing to pay. If anyone can pull something up for me, let me know!

Thanks for that information. I had no idea about tattooing scars.

Hmmm, are these scars that have been cut a few times over? If thats the case, then I can see where nothing will work. Its virtually impossible to do anything with a scar thats been recut a few times.