Hi Rob,
I think it is just amazing that since joining a few days ago you have made such amazing posts. There certainly seem to be a lot on your mind and at 16 I wish that I was as together as you seem to be. You certainly have a lot on your plate that a lot of us average humans couldnt deal with
I was raped in my early 20s by four or five black teens at knife point. The police even refused to take a report as they knew in NY City they would never find them. The worse thing about it all was that I lost a good friend because of it. I was staying at their apt and a radio was stolen. They didnt believe that I was raped! That really hurt!
I really didnt get treatment for it and just let it go. I dont know what would happen if I was put into a sexual situation with a black man.
I do understand depression. I have a medical horror story but wont bore you with that. Treatment caused major clinical depression and I got on the anti-depressants. They helped me a lot but I had to change them around once or twice.
Now I am only on anti-anxiety meds. I just got my own house too (congrats) and might be able to come off those eventually. Anti-anxiety meds are a lot easier than anti-depressants. Anti-depressants are not something to play with. In USA they are black boxed. If you think you can deal with your mental state without ADs maybe you can just use AAs.
I was lucky to get an amazing psychiatrist on my second try. Therapist are not so easy. I think I am on my fifth or six. My second was excellent but she got promoted and quit seeing patients. She was the best because she had similar health issues as me and we could both relate.
If you cant relate to your therapist then you gotta change the therapist. Seeing someone to tell your most deep feelings and thoughts without fear or anxiety is MOST important. Believe me, it can help a whole lot.
I cant tell you the best way to see the situation about your rapist killing himself but this is how I would try to think about it... if you didnt turn him then he would have probably raped others. You probably saved some you boys the experience you were forced into. I dont know if that helps but that is how I would try to think of it.
If you ever need to speak to someone in a PM please feel free to do that at any time.
hugs,
frank