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[Ghost]

Hello my name is Eric,

I come here with a major internal struggle. My parents are gay, i have two mothers which i love more than anyone in the world. I grew up never thinking anything of other guys and i loved girls what little boy doesn't? I have had many girl friends and slept with a lot of girls in high school but one experience changed me forever...

My first sexual experience was with a guy quite a bit older it happened with a guy during the summer of my senior year. He was some guy i met online that lived about thirty minutes away. I had an idea he might be gay but i was not sure. When i first came over a lot of guys were over and i felt so uncomfortable. I ended up watching a movie with him and three other friends. He started talking to me and we had some alcohol so everything felt alright to me what he was saying i guess i was not aware of his advances. Well he kissed me! I actually kissed him back and to say the least that was the best kiss i have ever had better than any women i had been with prior and recent. I instantly got turned on. We made out for a little while and he felt me up and noticed i had a raging hard on. He was shocked because he knew i was straight, well he took me upstairs and he took my clothes off and i took his off too. He touched me and i was dripping with pre come and so was he. I had never touched another man and i loved it. i actually loved it more than i ever thought i could. I had never been with a man only with a women. We had sex, i found out i am a bottom. I never knew how good it could feel to be with another man.

All sounds good but since that day i have had such a battle internally. I have struggled to cope with the fact hat yeah i had sex with a man. In my world my town i live in its a mostly white red neck town that is very homophobic my friends are too. I never grew up thinking i would be gay or even bi sexual. I cant live with the fact i am anything but straight. I came here for i guess some support. I love women and i enjoy sex but i always think about that night im so fearful to tell anyone i know my parents will support how i am but i feel like i have a sickness. I feel like i am a terrible person where i look and everywhere i see they dont like gay people. I joined the military and im deployed right now. The dont ask dont tell made me feel like shit and im glad it is gone but homo phobia is something i deal with daily. It scares me to death that people hate gay people and that people especially military hate gays. I have urges and i want to date and be with other men but i feel like it is so so so wrong for me. joined to prove i was a guy to show people i guess that i am tough and i gotta say it has made me tougher to join the military. My deployed environment i am under constant threat that i could be killed any day by rockets. I have so much to worry about but im worried most about how i can get over the fact i might be gay or bi sexual. I tell my self ok this is what i am. I really feel like i need to be cured of something like i am a disease around all these people here. Is this normal to feel like this? I know my parents want grand children and i feel like if i tell them or dont provide them with any im going to be seen like a piece of shit and id rather make them happy then have every one know how i am. i really hate myself over this please someone help me this is such a struggle and a battle everytime i look in the mirror

[mbennet35]

Hey Eric welcome to GS!

[princealbertofb]

Eric, to GaySpeak. I'm not sure that having sex with a man once makes you anything in particular, just a lad who's had a sexual experience with a man. Now you would be gay if you decided to pursue it and if you could fall in love with another man.... But you'll have time to find out what you are. Keep coming here and by sharing and discussing you may manage to understand what you're going through a bit better. Take care.
PA

[partisan]

Hi eric, you have not got an illness, but i feel for you and the spot your in, you joined the military in one way to be tougher and now you find yourself around homophobia, which isnt suprise if you get lots of regular guys together, its always exagerated as they will spur each other on, just being lads. hope you will stick around gs, theres some good advice here.

[princealbertofb]

Eric, gay men can also have children, therefore not depriving their parents of the grands...
I should know, my partner's got 6 of his own and 9 grandchildren now.

[TimeSage]

You were raised by two women in a gay relationship. Have you talked to them? I'm sure they will have some VERY useful advice. And they know you and may have picked up on things that even you missed about yourself.

[Ghost]

well the thing is when i think about it i feel wrong about it. But i do want to pursue something with another guy its just im so hesitant. i really did enjoy my experience with a guy, well i guess i left out the fact when i went home i met up with the same guy for about two weeks during my holiday leave last year. i really need support at this time in my life and im really scared to take the first few steps. the consequences of my admitting to it and telling people are not major but enough especially in the army where i dont feel i should

[deaner]

You really ought to talk with your parents. They would most certainly be understanding of your plight. And you know, there's nothing wrong with you. I think you realize you didn't choose your feelings, no one does, they are a part of who you are.

Stay safe and thanks for your service! You're very brave.

[AlfredM]

Hi and welcome to GS~

TBH,I consider you to be in a much fortunate situation. You have gay parents who have had the experience to guide you,it's such a shame if you don't take advantage of that opportunity. I think it's normal to think of homosexuality as a disease during early stage of discovery,well,considering we're very confused at the time. And also,your parents are gay and they still had you as their child,of course you could be gay and have children as their grandchildren some day,don't you think?

Anyway,best wishes!

[princealbertofb]

well the thing is when i think about it i feel wrong about it. But i do want to pursue something with another guy its just im so hesitant. i really did enjoy my experience with a guy, well i guess i left out the fact when i went home i met up with the same guy for about two weeks during my holiday leave last year. i really need support at this time in my life and im really scared to take the first few steps. the consequences of my admitting to it and telling people are not major but enough especially in the army where i dont feel i should

Eric, here are some more thoughts I have about your situation and your plight. It may be (I'm just guessing here) that because you've had two mums, the responsibility of being the male representative in the household has been put hard on you (unknowingly) and it is also possible that being gay themselves, your mothers have tried to bring you up to be happy being a male, therefore reinforcing the stereotypes and expectations made on a male child. It is also possible that society has reinforced that responsibility and that, unwittingly, you've been made accutely aware of your gender and what your ''normal'' sexual orientation should be.

I'm sure your parents would understand if you were gay, and they can probably explain why you are feeling so awkward and confused and unhappy about yourself at the moment. You are realising that you are going to have to "re-write" yourself, recreate who you are and who you thought you were. But we are human and we learn, and we adapt and we change. Hopefully all this progress can make us happy or happier. It shouldn't be different for you whatever the difficulties you are having at the moment. You'll find a solution.

Do you feel that your mums have expectations for you to have children and a wife and all??? Are you feeling that burden? I take it that you are not feeling a particular religious burden, are you? Is it the army that is reinforcing this burden?

All this blame, these questions, these feelings are weighing you down, but you know what would make you happy. And maybe it's being able to have this relationship with this particular person who makes you sexually and emotionally fulfilled. Coming from your background, it should not be unachievable, in the short or long run.
Take care.