How does one know they are really gay?

[Ghost]

Or atleast they are bisexual? Is it that they enjoy having sex with both gendars or seek out a relationship? I am i guess like a lot of people really torn up about the entire thing of finding who i really am an expressing it. I am really terrified of how everyone else will see me not actually going through with dating and anything else. I really want to tr to have a relationship with a guy but everything i have learned and all my friends have told me its wrong. They disgust it and i disgust myself at times by my wants. I dont hate myself but then again i cant stand it that i have these mixed feelings. Every time i get close i tell myself it is wrong and i back off. What can i do to accept myself for who i am or what i want? Is there really a middle ground of being bi sexual or is it more black and white?

How does one spot another gay guy? I really am interested in a relationship to see how the other side of things are. I just dont want to get it wrong be get beat up or insulted. I have ideas who is gay by how people look at me or how often. Im in the military too so i work with a lot of guys

[ardus]

It's not an easy thing to really know about yourself, especially in our line of work.

A little background about me, I'm currently a DS at Ft Benning, have been an Infantryman for a little over 12 years.
I first discovered my interest in guys when I was around 21, had my first experience with a guy around 21. Was really confused afterwards, it took me the better part of a year to sort through it.
When I joined the Army at 22 I went to Ft Lewis, met a guy there that I experimented with. By this point I was still doing a lot more with women than men, and really just thought of myself as a straight guy that wanted the occaisonal fling with guys.
Then I went to Germany for three years, more of the same, pursuing women, fooling arpund with men. Around this time is when I came to think of myself as Bi. Came to Ft Campbell, which is where I started to pursue men more actively. I spent five years there and didn't pursue a single woman only men.
Been here at Benning almost a year, and since I've been here I've been much mire actively dating men, and much more comfortable with myself. I met a couple of very special guys who helped me understand myself. I know I am gay, and I am happy and comfortable with it.
I'm 34 now, so my journey was not a fast or easy one. I'm working on trying get up the guts to just come out, more on that later.

You have to discover for yourself who you are, and no one else can tell you.

BLUF my advice, experiment, try new people, always play safe, and when you discover what you want embrace it.

If you want a receptive ear or just someone to vent to about Army life feel free to contact me.
Stay safe and bring all your boys home with you.
Richard
SSG(P)
United States Army

[Miles]

This is a very good question. It's one I've asked myself since most of the people I've come out to have been skeptical or seem to have forgotten I ever came out to them (could be much worse). My brother essentially asked me how I could know without having any experience, and I understand his reticence to go along with what I was telling him, since non-heterosexuality is not the 'default' if we're going by overall population. However, that doesn't mean you need experience to know if you're gay or bi or not. I wish I had answered my brother's question with another question: "How did you know you were straight before you had any experience?"

Ultimately labels are just a matter of convenience. Really they're for other people, not yourself. If you hold them too closely you'll find yourself trying to change to fit their mold.

Some gay guys make it obvious they're gay, and are cool with some of the 'stereotypical' behaviors, acting camp, etc. Good for them. A lot of gay guys are 'straight acting' and a fair amount of straight guys are effeminate and might be misconstrued as being gay, so the only way to really know someone is gay is if they tell you outright. Or if they're a dude sucking your dick or a girl eating another girl out.

[pellaz]

your gay if
your are more successful in a same sex relationship. sexuality will vary in individuals like hair color, you can't permanently change it, make it like someone else. Putting a label on your sexuality puts you to fail.


find a bf
said a few times at gs; volunteer at the local lgbt center, frequent the gay bro of town if you dont live there already. On line dating works too but there are gay organizations (that you see lot of straights in too). Like a gay sportbike club, gay football, music etc.

... am i guess like a lot of people really torn up about the entire thing of finding who i really am an expressing it. I am really terrified of how everyone else will see me not actually going through with dating and anything else. I really want to tr to have a relationship with a guy but everything i have learned and all my friends have told me its wrong. They disgust it and i disgust myself at times by my wants. I dont hate myself but then again i cant stand it t...

Sorry for the judgmental news but your not being self loving. If it were the gay thing you would find another issue, you just not respectful of your self. Your a great person and deserve the happiness and a complete life. Gay men and women have complete lives, children, career and a house hold, not necessary to hide in the closet, and think grinder is a relationship.

being gay, even the last few year, has changed and gay is no big thing; people on the streets, mr joe average, only wants you to be happy. If you have none supportive friends or family you need to be the bigger person and accept that they will come around in time or be left behind. Maybe you need more friends.

[MisterTinkles]

Stop with the labels and just find out who you are first.
What makes you tick, what makes you feel, what makes you human.

You have to discover your 'inner self' before you can realize what things outside your own person interests you.

Ive stated before that I dont believe there is any such thing as "bisexual". Just another convenient label for people to use. I supposed I should have gotten into more detail. Some people have equal feelings for both sexes. Is this wrong? No. Is it weird? No. Its just part of who you are. If you fight it, you will end up hurting yourself in some way. You've got to figure out what makes you tick inside your personality, spirit, and soul. Once you have discovered who you are and how you tick, then it wont be a question of a man or woman...you will just know....and go on from there.

Its a "long drive" to get to "us". Ive done it, it took me three years. But I know who I am, what I am, and what I like and dont like. I have no time for bullshitters, liars, cheats, or players....which is something I discovered about myself on my "drive" to find me.

You've got to be your own best friend, your own confidant, in order to be who you really are, and find out who you are.

[TimeSage]

"Labels are for boxes not people"

[artyboy]

I hate labels to, try being disabled and gay lol!!

I go between being gay and bisexual every two years it seems, but I never ended up with a girlfriend.
What I beleave is that there is someone out there what ever the sex of that person is.

[Geminize]

Eric, relax and observe yourself. Like most of the posters here I don't like the labels, especially when I hear someone struggling to force themselves into one or another. I like to consider myself as simply "sexual", attracted to some guys and some women.

Being bisexual is not a "middle ground". It's simply one of many expressions of sexuality. Our society wants clear definitions and everyone to fit into one, but life isn't that simple for most of us. It's possible to explore your sexuality in different ways at different times. If you can let go of caring so much about what others think about that, you'll be better off.

I was married to a woman for 19 years. We had great sex and were faithful to each other throughout our marriage. Even during that monogamous relationship I considered myself bisexual. I was aroused by both men and women, but I chose her. She knew that.

How do you know if another guy is gay? Not always easy, and I don't know military culture. I just suggest you find ways to spend some time with the guys you suspect are gay and see what develops. It can be simple things like walking together across a base, grabbing coffee together, catching a movie... you'll think of something. Don't force it, just create opportunities for time away from others. Anything could happen

[artyboy]

We do have a disabled and gay thread here that was posted recently, it made for an interesting read and made quiet a few of us think twice...but ultimatily the community here at Gayspeak were not bothered by disabilities.

I'll check that out dude x

[Ghost]

i appreciate the positive feed back yall have given me. it makes me really feel a heck of a lot better about everything. I think the label thing is wrong for people to do but i think it sometimes can help them cope with who they are or maybe not. The military is still pretty jaded toward gay people i have talked to many many many high ups and people who have been in a long time and they have such narrow views. I recently was interested in a car some Master Sergeant was trying to sell, here in germany we have to get our cars inspected to own them. Well in the car we got on the topic of a documentary that the ARMY has put out in response to its aggressive SHARP program called "the silent war" it was a very touching thing to watch and it opened my eyes to the real dark horse that the military is. But during this conversation he said some very old views on how the military was. Before the dont ask dont tell was repealed and it was disturbing to find such a high ranking guy i thought was pretty cool turned out to be just he person i had dealt with for as long as i can remember. That narrow view point on gay people and their lifestyles. It put fear in me as far as how people think in the military because all these guys who have been in just as long i know a lot feel the same way. They dont want to let go of how things were done not how things are now.

As far as the whole how can you tell who is and who is not. My parents are gay so i thought i had good gaydar well i guess i dont. I have an idea some guy i am deployed with is and we had a good conversation about music and trucks and just life back home. I have been making a habit that i wear just my underwear while in the room is that bad that i want some attention? Im a pretty decent looking guy im hoping something turns up with him