How do I get over him

[Tulloni]

I've recently split up with my boyfriend of about 2 months. I know we've only been dating a short time really but the fact is I am gutted. He was such a lovely, sweet guy. He is really clever and really good looking. He was from Lithuania and could speak 3 languages (Russian, Lithuanian, and English) fluently. He's also doing a PhD in Microbiological research at the University of Warwick.

By contrast I can only speak English and a bit of French very badly! I only have a BA in Sociology and feel I cannot compete with him. I know its silly, life shouldn't be a competition but the fact it society drills it into us that we should in fact compete against each other in every aspect of life so I keep thinking 'how can I compete with him'?

Anyway I digress! Point is he split up with me two weeks ago and I cannot get over him. I've dated quite a few guys though I've only ever had 3 boyfriends including him. But out of all of them I feel he is the one. I was under the impression he loved me and he said he had a big crush on me at first. However, after he got back from his holiday in Bulgaria he said he started having doubts about our relationship.

But he kept these doubts to himself and didn't tell me anything. As far as I was concerned nothing was amiss. He stayed with me for a full weekend with no problems. But when we met up one night two weeks ago he announced he didn't want to be with me all of a sudden.

I did not anticipate this at all and had no prior warning. I found out he'd been having these doubts since he got back from his holiday.

a number of things bother me deeply here:

1. Why did he not mention this sooner? Why go out with me for two months if he had doubts after the first month?

2. Why would someone go abroad and come back having changed their minds about their relationship? I do not understand why someone would do this.

3. Why would he have these doubts and still stay a whole weekend at mine without saying a thing and leaving me none the wiser?!

4. He broke up with me because he thought I wasn't right for him personality wise. Yet after we split up he mentions he likes my intelligence and the fact that apparently 'I am cute'.? these are aspects of my personality yet he doesn't think my personality is compatible with what he's after? This does not compute!

Anyway I am still upset and I keep thinking about him. I've asked him to reconsider and needless to say he won't do that. Which makes me wonder what I am supposed to do now?

Why would he just dump me when we had a future together and got on so well?! He should've given it more of a go!

[MisterTinkles]

1. Why did he not mention this sooner? Why go out with me for two months if he had doubts after the first month? It is possible his doubts came about all of a sudden. Sometimes they do.

2. Why would someone go abroad and come back having changed their minds about their relationship? I do not understand why someone would do this. Did you ask why he went back? Was it a business trip? To see a relative? Or just to have some space to think?

3. Why would he have these doubts and still stay a whole weekend at mine without saying a thing and leaving me none the wiser?! He might have been scared where your relationship was headed. He might have got "cold feet". Sometimes its hard to say whats on your mind, when there are so many things going on in there.

4. He broke up with me because he thought I wasn't right for him personality wise. Yet after we split up he mentions he likes my intelligence and the fact that apparently 'I am cute'.? these are aspects of my personality yet he doesn't think my personality is compatible with what he's after? This does not compute! Sometimes when people get scared of something so intimate, such as a relationship getting more serious, they find silly and stupid excuses to get out of something.

Anyway I am still upset and I keep thinking about him. I've asked him to reconsider and needless to say he won't do that. Which makes me wonder what I am supposed to do now? Give it some time. He may just need space to think about things.

Why would he just dump me when we had a future together and got on so well?! He should've given it more of a go! Some guys get scared and "run" when faced with something as life changing as a serious relationship. He may just not be ready for one yet.

[COLOR="blue"]If you talk to him again, just let him know that if he needs time to think things out, you will let him. Ask him what was wrong, and that you dont believe it was your "personality" at all, but something else. See if you can get him to tell you what is really bothering him.

If all else fails, then it may just be over. He may be so scared of whatever it is, that he just cant deal with it. If thats the case, then I wouldnt waste any more time on him. Get on with your life. It may be hard to do, but you can do it.
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[Nick9]

1. Why did he not mention this sooner? Why go out with me for two months if he had doubts after the first month?

Haven't you ever been in such a situation? Sometimes you know that things are not perfect. But you tell yourself "What in the world is perfect anyway" and you try to make it work and see if it is going to be better. Having doubts doesn't mean that you can't make things work. What about if you spent years with someone and he broke up with you shortly after he started to have doubts? Would you like that? Wouldn't you want to give the relationship a chance and time?

2. Why would someone go abroad and come back having changed their minds about their relationship? I do not understand why someone would do this.

This is easy. You see things from different perspective when you are not in your familiar place. You detach a bit and have a chance to think.

3. Why would he have these doubts and still stay a whole weekend at mine without saying a thing and leaving me none the wiser?!

Because he was perhaps leaning towards the breakup but wanted to be sure and explore his feelings before he really does.

4. He broke up with me because he thought I wasn't right for him personality wise. Yet after we split up he mentions he likes my intelligence and the fact that apparently 'I am cute'.? these are aspects of my personality yet he doesn't think my personality is compatible with what he's after? This does not compute!

You can ask him what he thought wasn't right for him... If you stay longer at GS, you will read posts "from the other side." People who say how their bf is perfect for them, but they can't date him anyway. Because something is missing. And some are very unhappy that their heart doesn't let them date someone who according to their brain is the perfect match.

Anyway I am still upset and I keep thinking about him. I've asked him to reconsider and needless to say he won't do that. Which makes me wonder what I am supposed to do now?

Move on. Stay single for some time, don't look for a substitution.

Why would he just dump me when we had a future together and got on so well?! He should've given it more of a go!

I am sorry to say that but he clearly didn't see the future together. And he did take the time to reconsider. Don't you see? Number 1 in your list... It is possible that what was missing was not something you could change, so he didn't ask you to work on it.

*hug*

[pellaz]

what is his visa status if any? is he in the UK only for a duration than has to leave so maybe he is not interested in finding some one permanent just yet.

[Wiggedjay]

Honey I would over think this. Men say all sorts of things all the time. I know that is cliche but unfortunately its the reality of the situation. It seems to be that he makes you makes you feel intimidated by his qualifications and intelligence. It dont matter how intelligent they are they still think with their dicks. In a "keeper" it's his emotional intelligence is the most important, well besides the great sex, only kidding. Without a high EQ in my opinion great sex is not possible, but maybe that's a whole new topic. It seems to me that your ex is not that high on EQ and does't understand what he wants either as he is probably focused on his studies. Like I say dont over analyze it, just think if he dont want this hottness then there are plenty of other guys who, and honey if you've only been had 3 relationships U suggest that you have a couple more fun light hearted relationships before choosing the one!!! I know it hurts now but I promise you it gets better.

[Tulloni]

Well Lithuania is part of the EU and he's staying here. Thanks for the replies. I'll try to absorb and process all this information. It definitely helps a little. I am still trying to make sense of it. Well I am better than I was just after we split up. You should've seen me then! I was in a real state! I am a lot calmer now though but still confused about all this. It was going so well and I really could not see any issue at all. Its still quite awkward talking to him though. If this continues and things really don't improve I may just have to delete him from my contacts and basically cut him off completely because whilst that will be quite painful and hard to do it will be better than this prolonged agony. Would this be a good idea if it really doesn't get better? I hope he won't be offended.