Boyfriend want to have sex?

[jjacobb]

Hello!! I am looking for some insight from someone who knows someone or has been in this situation...To start my boyfriend and I have been together about 18 months. I was his first everything as he grew up pretty sheltered and closeted most his teen years. (we are both 21) So for me sex was normal as I had a very high sex drive. However knowing that he was still getting comfortable with it all including sex, I did not blame him for us not having as much sexual encounters.

We moved in together about a year ago and have been doing great in all areas but the sexual areas. Honestly since we've been together we've probably only had sex, start to finish, like 5 times. For me it's getting irritating because I still have such a high sex drive but he still says he is trying. But the problem is he never wants it. He doesn't even really masturbate. He says he never really has like most guys, even as a teen. So I figured he just does not know WTF to do. However I feel like I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt too long and I have really started to feel unattractive to him and it's not a pleasant feeling. He knows how I feel but he continues to say he will try, but when I attempt to do something he just lays there and his erections pretty much always die down 5 minutes into whatever it is we are doing. He has been to the doctor who gave him viagra samples...no surprise they didn't work either. :/ I feel it's really been pulling us apart recently because I have caught him a couple times watching porn which wouldn't be such a big deal if we had a healthy sex life, but since we don't catching him more and more watching porn really makes me feel unwanted by him but he swears it was only a few times he's done it and that he is super attracted to me. I love him and I know he loves me so PLEASE HELP!!! Thank you!!

[Beau]

Sex is an important part of a relationship in my opinion. With that said though I know a lot of people who are bonded emotionally and don't have sex. I guess it depends on whether or not you need sex in order to keep your relationship intimate and strong.

It's a tough call. One only you can answer.

[KawaiiKitty]

yep Im pretty much in a similar situation myself...well at least when it comes to the little or no sex.

my bf has a really low sex drive and I have I think what is a normal sex drive(to him it seems abnormal but I think thats just cause his is low). Ive just learned to deal with it cause I want to be with my bf for the rest of my life.

I do agree with you though on the watching porn thing. I got REALLY mad and upset at my bf awhile back bcs he like went to bed and jerked off to porn when I was still up on the computer and he knew he hadnt had sex in awhile. It just seems like a slap in the face. To know that they would rather jerk off to some random guy who does turn them on than have sex with the person they supposedly love...

Yeah sorry its kind of a sore spot for me. Anyways, I can totally sympathize. As Beau said though only you can decide if being with him is worth the reduced sex.

[kidchameleon]

Have you tried foreplay? It might sound a tad manipulative, but maybe you could do something on your side to try and help his sex drive a little, and get him in the mood? Maybe with the right incentive and a little encouragement he wouldn't have a problem maintaining his erections?

It seems a little early for him to be having anything medically wrong (though obviously that is presumptuous), but maybe it's all in his mind? I've heard things like stress and nervousness can affect erection, so maybe he's feeling pressured, and that's causing the problem? The pornography could be his way of... "handling things", without feeling like it's someone elses decision?

Obviously this is really hard for you, so maybe you should try to explain to him how it's been affecting you, and maybe find a way to work on it together? Maybe, instead of aiming for sex, the two of you could try taking it slow, and gradually work up to it? Starting with oral perhaps, and seeing if he can maintain himself in that sort of scenario?

Obviously there is a chance that he's just not a sexual person, and in that case this might be a part of the relationship you'd have to accept, or at least be prepared to work on for a long time. Try to remember that a relationship should be more than sex, and make sure he knows you feel that way. Not insinuating that you've made him feel to the contrary, but I can imagine his inability to give you what you want could be upsetting for him too.

Maybe by just focusing on the other side of the relationship, the sexual element might come naturally? If you think about the sexual side of things from the point of view of a shorter relationship with the same amount of sex having taken place, it would probably still be at the point were things were spontaneous, and exciting. So you could try to rekindle that feeling perhaps? Go out, have fun, and just wait and see what happens?

Hope you work things out =)

[jjacobb]

Thanks for the reply guys! To add, the porn thing like I said really makes me feel undesirable by him. We have talked about it several times and each time he says we will slowly work on things, but within the next few weeks, we probably only masturbate together once or twice together, NOTHING else sexually. Within that time frame I also walked in on him 3 times watching porn. That is why I'm getting so frustrated.

I don't need sex to have a great relationship, but the fact that he's finding other ways to fulfill that part of it for himself is saddening to me because even when I attempt to be sexual, he doesn't respond. Foreplay works, but like I said, his erection just vanishes after minutes. When we keep going even after it has gone limp, it is hopeless, once it's gone it's GONE and that just kills the mood for us both, especially me.

The last time I caught him watching porn, I did get mad, and told him that this is only going to push me way because it's like (to be cheesy) me cooking him dinner everyday (which I already do) and he only eats maybe once or twice. Of course I'm going to be hurt because that says he doesn't like my cooking or it just doesn't please him, so him not wanting to do ANYTHING sexual with me makes it feel like he doesn't desire me in that way. So lately I have been finding myself becoming distant. I told him today that it's like we have no intimacy, we have the passion in our relationship, but no intimacy and he still doesn't seem to understand that. I'm running out of ideas and trying to be patient with him, but everytime he says he will work on showing that affection more, he doesn't even attempt it. I know at this point I can either accept it or not, but we have already starting building our lives together, but I can't help but keep hold to this feeling of being unwanted.

The best way to put us is I feel like we are roommates that just masturbate everyone once in awhile and hang out the rest of the time (referring to the lack of intimacy again). It sucks but I just don't know what else I can do. To me it's all him and whatever is going on in his mind. And to clarify we have always had open communication in our relationship, which makes us stronger because I know him so well but his is just frustrating cause it seems like he doesn't even know what's going on with himself. IDK guys, I'm lost.

[Tyrion]

Sorry to hear about this.. I understand how it could be very frustrating, especially with the whole porn thing.

I wonder if maybe he has some sort of self esteem issue, that is preventing him from being comfortable with actually having sexual relations? Porn = fantasy, but when it comes down to real life.. maybe he just doesn't know how to react, or doesn't feel comfortable? This seems more than likely an issue with him and how feels about himself, rather than you.

I'd say if this goes on much longer, to suggest seeing a counselor of some sort. It seems like he does love you, and is more than likely attracted to you.. but something is preventing him from being intimate.

Just my two cents.