Okay so I asked for advice a few weeks ago and most of it was great. My boyfriend and I had been having problems with someone he met online in an MMORPG, but it didn't work between them. They decided to stay friends and I hadn't thought much about the guy for a while. However, the guy recently started flirting with my boyfriend again and my boyfriend is a flirtatious guy, so he flirts back. My boyfriend has promised and assured me that nothing will ever happen between them because the newness had worn off and the guy lives soooo far away. Now every time this fellow talks and flirts with my boyfriend I lose it. Like all of my senses and get angry. I trust my boyfriend, but should I let a guy who lives soooo far from him get to me? Should I act out if It's only hurting my relationship? I want to say something to the guy but I'm trying to remain cordial.
Sorry for the format, btdubs. I'm typing this out on my phone.
Any advice is welcome, so thank you all!
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I have no real advice, just an observation: many straight men feel that if the women they're with act flirty with other men that they're being disrespected, as if they and their feelings and/or relationship don't matter. (Some get insane with it and beat up a woman if she even "subconsciously flirts"). I don't know what motivates men to see it that way (that is if they truly value the relationship and fear she thinks of straying as much as he probably does or if it's an ego/ownership thing or what), nor do they seem to find it reprehensible for a man in a relationship to flirt ('course the women they're involved with typically take as much exception to it as a man does when the sitch is reversed), but it does sound normal. But because men seem to find it much more acceptable to play the field then I couldn't really say how the rule for heterosexuals would translate for gay men in this case of online flirting which might even be seen as joking around.
It seems reasonable to ask him to refrain. And while I would never tolerate being smothered or unrelenting insecurity I believe it's quite easy to honor a request not to flirt furiously or whatever, and if it's an ego trip for him then surely he can find something else to take pride in, or if it's like a game then finding another game to replace it (he might roll his eyes over it, but he should still care enough to take your feelings about it into account). In any case, if a partner felt this strongly about something I did I'd want to know, and at least in my case I'm willing to adjust to make room for my partner's quirks, even if I do think it's on the silly side (not saying that I consider your feelings silly, though I recognize he might).
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Broken trusts are very difficult to mend.
When a person has their trust broken by another it sets up suspecion and every little minor innocent thing causes your brain and heart to go down roads it normally doesn't.
In the case of cheating, it is typical for a person who has been cheated on by one person to have 'trust issues' with every partner there after. This is typical behavior and the only thing one can do is try to use the rational reasoning part of the brain to filter the emotional part of the brain.
Is it easy? No it can be one of the hardest things a person can do. Then there is the risk where you will over rationalize and even clearly obvious signs and symptoms of cheating are ignored/explained away because one is uncertain if what they are reading is 'just me not trusting' or actual reasons to not trust.
This other guy is a bone of contention, a cause to worry because there has been 'a past' - no matter what happens, he will be a constant reminder of that 'past problem'.
If you want to keep the BF then tell the BF to leave the guild, block/ignore this individual and allow you two to patch up your side of things without this thorn in your side.
Who is this guy? Nobody - as you said he is far, far away and is only one more character on a game - a nobody, a nothing - there is no reason why your BF can't just ignore it and hope it goes away.
If your BF cannot or refuses then it may be time to reevaluate this relationship and your BF for his choice to stick with this thorn and not oblige you this one little thing since it is hurting you.
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I feel like it's an ego boost for him. He's always reminded by other guys of how lucky he is to have me, but he doesn't have that. He doesn't have guys lined up to make him feel better about himself. I remind him that he's a catch, but it is as if it isn't enough for him/: Like he needs what I have. I don't care about other guys and I wish he wouldn't either. I've asked him not to flirt and he doesn't, no big deal. But he's never been one who has been told what to do. I can't tell him who he can be friends with. It seems like that's what my boyfriend wants is to just be his friend. I would be fine if the guy wouldn't make advances at my boyfriend.
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If I remember correctly, your relationship wasn't monogamous. You two had some sort of arrangement that probably didn't work for either of you. Have you actually talked about it and set new rules?
And the distance doesn't matter. A person who lives 1000 miles away can break your relationship with no problem. It's up to your bf if he let that happen.
And btw. how do you know they keep flirting?
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Jealousy is ugly.
