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Anonymous · 07-10-2013, 10:14 PM

So I have this couple who I am really good friends with, have been for years. (Lets call them Alex and Jake) I spend a lot of time at their house, especially since I have been single for awhile now. We have a lot of fun, and they are about to get married. Life is good. They rarely fight, but the other night they got into it while I was there. I kind of just kept my mouth shut. It wasn't my business. Finally Jake gets upset and storms into the bedroom, slams the door, leaving me and Alex alone in the living room. Now I am extremely close with these two, I mean we do everything together and have even joked for years about having a threesome.

Now I start to talk to Alex, you know, to get his mind off the fight when he blurts out "I want you." I laugh it off and say no you don't you're just upset. He says he isn't, that he has thought this through and he wants me to be a part of their relationship. At first I thought he meant a threesome one night kind of deal, but he explained that basically he wants a second boyfriend...for life. Now if either of these guys were single I would love to date them, they are awesome, but I could never be the "other guy". I asked what Jake would say if he knew and Alex said that it didn't matter, he'd get used to it.

Now, I am not about to get in on this deal, but now I feel like I'm losing my friends. I'm uncomfortable around Alex and I feel guilty around Jake because his boyfriend is in love with me. Advice?

07-10-2013, 11:00 PM

Is it possible that they have discussed having a polyamorous relationship? Of course if that is something that you cannot picture yourself being involved in it obviously doesn't matter what they've discussed, but would it make a difference to you if both Alex and Jake were open to that?

Anonymous · 07-10-2013, 11:07 PM

I am not sure if they have discussed it, but I think even the suggestion would break Jake's heart, make him feel like he isn't enough. I think I could be happy with it for a while, but I don't want to be the "secret" boyfriend while they are openly and happily married.

07-10-2013, 11:15 PM

If you feel this strongly about NOT being "in on it", then dont. Just explain to him that all joking about in the past, was just that....joking. You cant, in good conscience, get between them for any reason.

And Im sad to say, there may be no good outcome of this....unless they can get it resolved between them.

07-10-2013, 11:26 PM

Anonymous Wrote:I am not sure if they have discussed it, but I think even the suggestion would break Jake's heart, make him feel like he isn't enough. I think I could be happy with it for a while, but I don't want to be the "secret" boyfriend while they are openly and happily married.

I was thinking more along the lines of if Jake new and was okay with it, having an affair is entirely different. If I were in your position and this was suggested to me I would be inclined to have a private conversation with Alex explaining exactly how you feel, assuring him that you will never mention his indiscretion to Jake, and telling him that you do not want this to change your friendship.

07-11-2013, 01:03 AM

A simple, I'm flatter, but, no - we are all best friends - that's the way I intend it to stay. Clearly "Alex" started this ball rolling; you on the other hand need to put a stop to it. You need not try and fix or feel guilty for anything: you've made your decision.

Since you are aware now.…your politeness and quiet firmness will soon make it understood there is a line in the sand and don’t step over it. You have to teach people how to treat you.

07-11-2013, 01:23 AM

MisterTinkles Wrote:If you feel this strongly about NOT being "in on it", then dont. Just explain to him that all joking about in the past, was just that....joking. You cant, in good conscience, get between them for any reason.

And Im sad to say, there may be no good outcome of this....unless they can get it resolved between them.

I'm with you on this one MisterTinkles

07-11-2013, 01:49 AM

They haven't discussed this.

I asked what Jake would say if he knew and Alex said that it didn't matter, he'd get used to it.

That is a telling clue that this is going to happen without Jake's consent.

When I am single I stay out of couples lives for the most part.

The right thing to have done is when they started fighting was to get up and excuse yourself and then leave for the evening. Next time it happens, bow out and allow them to do their thing.

If you are not comfortable with the idea of being sex on the side, then don't go there.

No matter what happens, you may want to start hanging more with your own kind and let the married folk find other married folk to hang around. What is your kind - single folk.

07-11-2013, 03:39 AM

Anonymous Wrote:Now, I am not about to get in on this deal, but now I feel like I'm losing my friends. I'm uncomfortable around Alex and I feel guilty around Jake because his boyfriend is in love with me. Advice?

I think you have answered your own question. Don't get involved romantically here. Your friendships may be changing because of what they are going through, but a good way to lose your friends faster would be to jump in bed with Alex.

If they have plans to get married it sounds like they have a few things to sort out. Let them do that before you let things go any further.

07-11-2013, 05:26 AM

I would have told the guy that I would not consider nor even discuss it without all three of you being present. If he continued to pursue the subject I would have left, politely, of course.

Quote:Now, I am not about to get in on this deal, but now I feel like I'm losing my friends. I'm uncomfortable around Alex and I feel guilty around Jake because his boyfriend is in love with me. Advice?

I would lie low for awhile. Tell them you have other plans the next time they want to get together or tell the one who 'propositioned' you that you aren't comfortable seeing them for awhile. Besides why would you want to be around them right away given your discomfort? I would hate to be put in this position and I think it was rude of the guy to do that. What kind of a friend does that? (Keep in mind that I am older and have different standards of friendship than many younger persons) Different matter if both of them confronted you with the idea, and it hadn't happened after a fight.