Wasted opportunity...Is it really my fault?
07-13-2013, 03:25 AM
I grew up in the suburbs of New Jersey and I attended a design college in New York City.
The school has a very large gay student population and many of the professors are also openly gay. I even had a transgender professor who was a favorite among many students. Two of my most amiable classmates have a biological parent who is gay. The school is located in the Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan which is the gayest neighborhood in the city. The streets adjacent to my dormitory were lined with rainbow flags...
So this may be SERIOUSLY hard to believe, but the VERY FIRST TIME I came out to anyone (other than family) was 3 months AFTER I graduated...!!! That's after four years of being in a gay Mecca. I look back at my life and I feel I totally wasted the opportunity...I'm no longer in the city, and the people I'm around now are not exactly the most accepting of gay people.
I suppose my reasons for not coming out to anyone can be traced back to how there was such little support for gay people in my high school. I became a recluse because of it and it was completely ingrained in my mind. My only "friend" was a devout Catholic and he was EXTREMELY homophobic (I knew him since elementary school). The only openly gay guy in my class was pretty much mocked by everyone.
(However, there was another guy in my class who was on the down-low and kept giving me gay-signals even though they flew past me. At that time, I didn't realize he was sending me those messages...and I didn't even know there were guys on the down-low...in fact, I didn't even know what "down-low" meant! I'll have to write about this story in another topic).
But anyway, when I was heading off to college I felt that it would be a brand new start for me and that I could finally just be me. But there were several things which kept me bottled up inside...
I first met my roommate who, on the first night together, asked me what my opinion is of gay people...I think he basically was trying to ask if I was gay, but I having never come out to anyone before didn't have it in me to come out right then and there. His reply was that he just can't stand the "annoying gay guys"...I didn't really know how to respond to that.
The other gay students in my dormitory all seemed very outgoing and already comfortable with themselves being very out and open. However, I met a handful of really NASTY, VICIOUS and SHALLOW gay guys who showed me no welcome at all...whatever their reason was for being like that is beyond me, but it sure as hell didn't help me be comfortable with myself at all.
One of the friends I made was a Korean classmate who was Christian. I would often eat out with her and her friends and I really enjoyed it...however, she was a devout Christian and I heard her say a few negative jokes about gay people. There was also a gay Korean student in our school who she told me was "an embarrassment to Koreans".
After my 2nd year in college, during summer vacation, I ended up in the behavorial hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression and was contemplating suicide. It was during my time in the hospital that I came out to my mother and sister for the first time. My mother did not take it well AT ALL. She told me that she didn't think she could ever accept me being gay. Everyday she would ask me "Do you still think you're THAT WAY?". My hair was falling out due to the stress I was going through. Basically that whole coming out experience to my mother was traumatizing that it made me never want to come out to anyone ever again.
So basically, I never bothered coming out to anyone until AFTER I graduated from college...however it did end up positive experience and was quite funny in a way. But I really regret that I never became comfortable enough to experience "gay life" while in the city.
I worked in the city for two years, but now I'm back in the New Jersey suburbs where I'm stuck around a lot of intolerant people.
The school has a very large gay student population and many of the professors are also openly gay. I even had a transgender professor who was a favorite among many students. Two of my most amiable classmates have a biological parent who is gay. The school is located in the Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan which is the gayest neighborhood in the city. The streets adjacent to my dormitory were lined with rainbow flags...
So this may be SERIOUSLY hard to believe, but the VERY FIRST TIME I came out to anyone (other than family) was 3 months AFTER I graduated...!!! That's after four years of being in a gay Mecca. I look back at my life and I feel I totally wasted the opportunity...I'm no longer in the city, and the people I'm around now are not exactly the most accepting of gay people.
I suppose my reasons for not coming out to anyone can be traced back to how there was such little support for gay people in my high school. I became a recluse because of it and it was completely ingrained in my mind. My only "friend" was a devout Catholic and he was EXTREMELY homophobic (I knew him since elementary school). The only openly gay guy in my class was pretty much mocked by everyone.
(However, there was another guy in my class who was on the down-low and kept giving me gay-signals even though they flew past me. At that time, I didn't realize he was sending me those messages...and I didn't even know there were guys on the down-low...in fact, I didn't even know what "down-low" meant! I'll have to write about this story in another topic).
But anyway, when I was heading off to college I felt that it would be a brand new start for me and that I could finally just be me. But there were several things which kept me bottled up inside...
I first met my roommate who, on the first night together, asked me what my opinion is of gay people...I think he basically was trying to ask if I was gay, but I having never come out to anyone before didn't have it in me to come out right then and there. His reply was that he just can't stand the "annoying gay guys"...I didn't really know how to respond to that.
The other gay students in my dormitory all seemed very outgoing and already comfortable with themselves being very out and open. However, I met a handful of really NASTY, VICIOUS and SHALLOW gay guys who showed me no welcome at all...whatever their reason was for being like that is beyond me, but it sure as hell didn't help me be comfortable with myself at all.
One of the friends I made was a Korean classmate who was Christian. I would often eat out with her and her friends and I really enjoyed it...however, she was a devout Christian and I heard her say a few negative jokes about gay people. There was also a gay Korean student in our school who she told me was "an embarrassment to Koreans".
After my 2nd year in college, during summer vacation, I ended up in the behavorial hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression and was contemplating suicide. It was during my time in the hospital that I came out to my mother and sister for the first time. My mother did not take it well AT ALL. She told me that she didn't think she could ever accept me being gay. Everyday she would ask me "Do you still think you're THAT WAY?". My hair was falling out due to the stress I was going through. Basically that whole coming out experience to my mother was traumatizing that it made me never want to come out to anyone ever again.
So basically, I never bothered coming out to anyone until AFTER I graduated from college...however it did end up positive experience and was quite funny in a way. But I really regret that I never became comfortable enough to experience "gay life" while in the city.
I worked in the city for two years, but now I'm back in the New Jersey suburbs where I'm stuck around a lot of intolerant people.
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