Parents!

[danmb2013]

Hello

I'm struggling to come out to my parents. I'm not one for facing situations face on so telling my friends was a big thing for me for the usual things fear of rejection, made an outcast etc was always there, this was 3years ago. I've still only managed to tell my brother and 2 cousins. And when i mean family i don't just mean close family parents and siblings we act as a whole family so cousins grandparents and aunts and uncles are part of this. My parents are separated and i think my mum has already guessed and i don't think will be too surprised, she has asked me but not directly and i always shrug it off. My dad however i've no idea how to handle and we don't exactly have the best relationship anyway but i think he should know. I tested the water with my extremly narrowminded brother and he didn't speak to me for the best part of 2months now that he's come more round to the idea he's now convinced its an elaborate joke on him or 'i'm just going through a phase'. My friends were brilliant but knowing what my family is like i can't see them genuinally agreeing with this, it would be like a black smear against their name. Also as i'm close to 2 of my grandparents, i can't see them liking this at all, it wouldn't surprise me if it put my granddad in the grave.

How do I approach this? Any suggestions?

[Jay]

First of all, I don't think it's necessary for you to rush to announce your sexuality to your family. You should take your time.

Since your mom probably can guess, you probably can tell her.

As your dad, it's not necessary to tell if you don't feel you want to. Your mom probably will tell your dad herself if she knows your sexuality. That probably can save your time. Less stress too.

As your brother, it happens. My brothers haven't spoken to me for years.

I tell you what, you cannot make everyone happy. Yes, your parents have raised you but you're a grown up man now. You have life of your own and you need to conduct it by yourself.

Good luck and best wishes in life.

[Edward]

You don't have to come out to everybody at once. You can start by telling your mum and slowly these news will spread through the whole family. And remember - those who don't accept you, don't deserve you as a son, cousin, grandchild, etc.

[TimeSage]

Actully it may not spread. If your parents are like mine they'll stay quiet. I came out to my mom due to stress (long story) and then came out to my dad later. My mom left it up to me to tell him. She also hasn't told anyone, even my sister, nor has my father.

This kind of thing is your thing to tell people, not theirs, a good parent doesn't tell anyone unless you tell them to.

As for the close to the grandparents thing, I know how you feel. I'm keeping it hidden from mine as well. I was over at my mother's parents' house constantly as a kid and still talk to them when I get a chance. You don't have to tell them, and no one else should.

[Vigilias]

"I'm struggling to come out to my parents. ...I think my mum has already guessed and i don't think will be too surprised, she has asked me but not directly and i always shrug it off."

There's your problem, and your answer. Next time be direct. Tell your mum in a way that is unambiguous. She's your mum and she'll love and accept you no matter what, just let her get used to the idea and be ready to ask answer any questions she might have. When I told my mum she thought about it for a few moments and asked if this meant they would see me "Sitting around in frilly dresses" LOL.

... My dad however i've no idea how to handle and we don't exactly have the best relationship anyway but i think he should know...

Fair play, so when and how do you plan to tell him? I think in a way which cannot allow him to misinterpret the information. You never know it could repair your relationship, give him time. When I told my dad he just continued to unpack the shopping and I had to ask him if he heard and understood me. He did, and he did.

I feel that repairing a bad relationship with your dad is especially important. I didn't have a great relationship with my dad and I used to enjoy winding him up about the "gay thing" "Oh come on, dad, it doesn't hurt THAT much!" Sadly we only sorted our differences out when he was dying of cancer.


"I tested the water with my extremly narrowminded brother and he didn't speak to me for the best part of 2months now that he's come more round to the idea he's now convinced its an elaborate joke on him or 'i'm just going through a phase'."

Next time he thinks it's a phase tell him how long this "phase" has lasted and ask how long he feels his heterosexual phase will last.

"My friends were brilliant but knowing what my family is like i can't see them genuinally agreeing with this, it would be like a black smear against their name. Also as i'm close to 2 of my grandparents, i can't see them liking this at all, it wouldn't surprise me if it put my granddad in the grave."

You have great friends and they'll support you through this, I'm sure. As for your grandparents, I don't think it will have such a dramatic effect. The way people handle this is not your responsibility.

How do I approach this? Any suggestions? Perhaps not by telling your mum that you think you get if from your dad! LOL

There have been a number of similar posts recently. Try having a look at the PFLAG site.
We've had a few similar posts recently.

PFLAG (Parents and Families of Lesbians And Gays. http://community.pflag.org/ (USA) and http://www.pflag.co.uk/ (UK).

If you need further help and support, this site is a great place to find it!

Good luck, be happy, take care!

[pellaz]

You don't owe your parents anything.
If someone can't contribute to your emotional needs why be out to them.