My name is Dan, i am married I have two children. I have come here because my sin of 14 had come out to me. I don't know what to say to him, I love him very much and i want to give him my support but thus is really unexpected especially since he has a girlfriend. I told him that it is okay, but that is all I know. He was crying his eyes out when he tills me, i don't want him to be in so much pain. How do I make him feel better? What can I say to him?
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I think the best way to make your child happy is to support him. I know what he feels, three years ago I came out to my parents and they started to hate me. Now everything's fine, but please don't say to your son that he's wrong, abnormal or perverse. Primarily, he's a PERSON, he's INDIVIDUAL and he gotta know this, cuz he's your beloved son and I hope you're okay with his orientation.
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MaxRa Wrote:I think the best way to make your child happy is to support him. I know what he feels, three years ago I came out to my parents and they started to hate me. Now everything's fine, but please don't say to your son that he's wrong, abnormal or perverse. Primarily, he's a PERSON, he's INDIVIDUAL and he gotta know this, cuz he's your beloved son and I hope you're okay with his orientation.
I am so sorry your parents told you those things. I hope I didn't say anything wrong. I was so dumbfounded by this that I couldn't rally think of anything more to say besides "its okay son" and hug him until he stopped crying. I may not understand this but i love my son, I haven't told my wife about this either, i don't know exactly how. He was so scared, i dint know how she will react.
I Don't think he is a pervert but some things ran through my head that I am not sure i should say. Like, how do you know your gay, what made you decide you are gay, what about your girl friend. And so on. These things I felt might have made him more anxious
I know what not to say, but what do i say? That look on his face was heart breaking. I dint what him to feel that sad and scared about it. He was embarrassed. I dint know how my wife will take it so i want to tell her alone.
I want to support my son, but i worry is this something I did? is it because something horrible happened to him? Like i said i dint really understand this. I came here four some insight.
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 to GaySpeak, Hobart, and thanks for joining the community looking for answers to make your fourteen-year-old better. It's brilliant that you are supportive of him at this time. I think probably his hormones are playing up at the moment and it's making him super sensitive (he probably is a sensitive one at heart anyway, but hormones may be making it worse just now). He may be realising how hard it's going to be to be truthful to his girlfriend (no doubt someone he both loves and admires, or at least has some respect for) and also he may be worried about coming out to his mates at school, etc.
What sort of a father are you, Hobart? Are you the type who'll hold and cuddle, or are you the friendly-handshake kind of dad? If you're the cuddly one, then I'm sure at fourteen your son would accept you just giving him a warm hug. Maybe a pat on the back, or whatever. If unsure of how appropriate this is, you can always ask: "Is it ok to give you a hug, or would you like a hug? Then you'll have his permission if he doesn't feel it's too odd. Of course it'll feel odd to you, but after all he is just a child still, and probably in need of some physical comforting.
It's good that he's felt you were able to handle the coming out story. I guess he'll be wanting your support to help him tell other people, his grandparents, his uncles and aunts, cousins, friends, teachers maybe etc... Ask him if he has any questions that you can both have a look at or find answers for. You can come back to this site, where, I daresay, some of us will have good answers of suggestions. You could, if you were able to, join a parents of gay children association if there's one near you. PFLAG they're called.
Take care,
PA
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I'd also ask if it's ok for you to tell your wife as, technically, this is HIS secret to tell. If he's happy with you telling her, then you can be the messenger.
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How does your son know he's gay? Probably the same way you knew you were straight. It's a hunch, a feeling which grows on you slowly. Some people don't realise until it's very late in life and they've got married and done the family thing... This is all imitation of what society expects of us. We try our hardest to fit in, and fitting in with 95% of the population means trying to be straight, to have a girlfriend etc... If he says he's gay, it's probably not just a phase but something he's gradually come to realise. The girlfriend is the façade to blend in with his mates at school, and his peers, and probably he was also curious to see what it felt like, and whether he liked it.
He doesn't have to have had sex with another boy or man to realise that he's gay. These days, gay young people are coming out younger and younger. See some of the threads that relate to age and realisation of being gay. A lot of us have felt we were different before we hit puberty.
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[QUOTE=hobart;317667
I want to support my son, but i worry is this something I did? is it because something horrible happened to him? Like i said i dint really understand this. I came here four some insight.[/QUOTE]
I can tell you its nothing you did, and nothing horrible happened to him. People are born this way, not made this way. Don't feel guilty.
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hobart Wrote:I am so sorry your parents told you those things. I hope I didn't say anything wrong. I was so dumbfounded by this that I couldn't rally think of anything more to say besides "its okay son" and hug him until he stopped crying. I may not understand this but i love my son, I haven't told my wife about this either, i don't know exactly how. He was so scared, i dint know how she will react.
I Don't think he is a pervert but some things ran through my head that I am not sure i should say. Like, how do you know your gay, what made you decide you are gay, what about your girl friend. And so on. These things I felt might have made him more anxious
I know what not to say, but what do i say? That look on his face was heart breaking. I dint what him to feel that sad and scared about it. He was embarrassed. I dint know how my wife will take it so i want to tell her alone.
I want to support my son, but i worry is this something I did? is it because something horrible happened to him? Like i said i dint really understand this. I came here four some insight.
You know you're gay the same way you know you're straight. It's not a switch you flip to decide "Oh, I'm gonna be gay now." It's something you realize about yourself that's as natural as eating or sleeping.
You should ask him if he's okay with his mom knowing before you talk to her, or if he wants to tell her himself on his own terms.
You shouldn't blame yourself for this. It's not something you did wrong. Granted, I don't know y'all's history so I can't say if anything horrible happened to him. But nothing horrible or traumatic happened to me and many others, and we still turned out bent.
Just let him know you love him and support him and understand he's still your son.
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Hi Hobart.
I think the scariest thing is change, he may feel now everyone will treat him different. So i think the best thing you can do is let him know it hasnt.
Having something horrible happen is generally not a reason to "become" gay. It doesnt even have to be sexually orientated, every person is different of course. I wish you all the best.
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And like miles said, you do not become gay, you just realise you always was 
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