Incredible compatibility - wonky chemistry

[TKC]

Hey fellas,

I need some advice on chemistry.

There are a lot of factors that may play a role in this, so I'll throw the scenario out then follow-up with additional information for anyone who is interested. I'd love to get some different opinions, ideas, advice, help, etc...because, well, I like to over-analyze things and outsider perspectives really help me with that process.

That said, I've recently started seeing a new guy (in the last month). Neither of us are game players, and through some intense conversations we both agree that we're very very compatible. We share the same level of intense honesty, the same future goals, the same desire for children at the same age, the same outlook on life, the same level of independence, the same understanding of importance of shared meaning, similar sexual histories, and really really similar background/ways of being raised. We've had all of these conversations naturally, and in a way that hasn't put pressure on whatever this will become, but has made it possible to move forward with it (because what's the point if we're not compatible). As far as personalities, conversation, compatibility, and aspirations go - we appear to be well on our way to becoming a power couple.

Our chemistry, however...well, I don't understand. When we look into each other's eyes, the chemistry can be cut with a knife. When he caresses my arm, it sends shivers down my spine. When I see him naked it takes my breath away. When we unintentionally touch, I let out soft moan...but anything more than that and it's gone! When we kiss, there are no sparks - and we both have pretty good form. When we've had sex it was pretty decent, and it was fun, but there were no fireworks and it wasn't nearly as mind-blowing as it should have been. Everything else about this guy is exceptional, but our chemistry defies me.

So, I'm curious...has anyone else experienced something like this? And what was your outcome? Is chemistry necessary (my immediate answer is yes, but I'm open to seeing the other side of the coin)? Can you build chemistry, over time, and if so how have you done so successfully? Any other advice or opinions you may have that would be worth hearing/reading? I'd super appreciate it.

Now, for the additional info: I'm recently out of a two and a half year relationship just weeks before I met the new beau. I'm not a serial monogamist (it was 5 years between the last ex and the most recent ex, and the longest dating stint in that time was 3 months). I've done A LOT of work on releasing and healing from the last relationship and, knowing that it was coming, I subconsciously started before we ended it. I miss the ex as a friend, but not as a lover or the life we shared together. Great man, just not the right one, and I've been very clear about my boundaries with him in that it will be a long time before we can communicate and longer before we return to a friendship. I was never looking to date this quickly after a relationship, but I met and was intrigued, and am not the one to easily pass up an opportunity for a new experience.

The new beau: is about 6 months out of a relationship and is new to town...his two major relationships have both held a great deal of tragedy (the first ended when his boyfriend accidentally over-dosed and died on pain medication given to him by a friend to help him with a slipped disk . The one after that battled leukemia and, while he survived, grew accustomed to the way the new beau took care of him hand and foot and expected the same after he was declared cancer free and back on his feet causing the downward spiral of their relationship.

Also, the new beau is a yoga instructor and in super great shape, I'm still whittling down the pounds I put on during my most recent unhappy relationship.

SO, here are my thoughts, either A) We're super into each other, but physically he's not incredibly attracted to me (which I totally get, and while it's not for him I'm actively working to get back down to my normal fighting weight anywho). Or B) His love life has been riddled with tragedy so he's possibly muting the chemistry as he's afraid to get hurt again. Either one, I can respect and understand, completely. And, I'm going to have this conversation with him, soon, but I wanted to get some perspective before bringing it up.

Thoughts?

Thanks so much for reading, and any advice you may offer.

T.

[LateBloomer]

Wow. Ok. There's a lot going on there.

I'm kind of surprised no one else has responded--no shortage of opinions around here!



But I'm kind of sympathetic. I'm a total analyzer too. Makes me crazy sometimes and I have to force myself to just STOP.

I don't think you should stop analyzing at this point. To me, it shows a certain "empathy" towards your partner that you're actively considering all the various factors at play in his life.

But you know what? It's only been ONE month. You really have just one corner of the Big Picture at this point. Yes! I agree, chatting with him will help to reveal more of what's driving him and holding him back.

I DO think chemistry grows over time. As we get to know each other and share common experiences I believe you'll naturally "bond".

Basically, the way I'm reading your post is, everything is GREAT, but the sex is "average" (???).

It could be a topic for discussion...
You could try to "spice it up" on your own and see how he responds...
Or you could just leave it alone and see what happens.

Very difficult to say without hearing his side--especially so early in the relationship.

Good luck!

[LONDONER]

Could it possibly be that you are actually expecting too much? In this age of open sexual discussion and porn one is almost led to expect that sex has to be a mind blowing, all bells ringing, thunderclap experience when the truth is, is that it is rarely that and is usually just roundly satisfying. If you give up expecting so much then maybe, just maybe, you will both grow in to something even more satisfying.

[Lalo]

I agree with both of the above posts but would add this:

In my opinion: "Chemistry" is really a catch-all phrase for a lot of different things. So it is somewhat hard to define. If you are strictly referring to sexual chemistry, then there are possibly reasons why there is no spark. Sometimes, when two people meet there is that initial and powerful "chemistry" that takes sex to a whole different and incredible level. But that is NOT the norm. I can count on one hand how many times that has happened to me and I have been with hundreds of guys. Usually sex, like everything else in a relationship, is something that you have to work at to make it better. The chances of always getting that perfect "chemistry" right off of the bat are actually not that good. So you need to experiment a bit more.

In my experience, when the sexual spark hasn't been there, it is often due to neither partner knowing the other's sexual triggers, and/or both partners wanting the same thing. Neither situation is insurmountable. But both may take some work.

To start, I would experiment with upping the sexual-aggression level to see what kind of reaction that gets. Try being more forward. Some guys need to feel hunted and wanted in order to get turned on. So try turning up the volume on the desire when you initiate sex. See if that gets a response. If that doesn't work, try the reverse.

In the end, conversation is really what's needed. If you try some other things and there still seems to be something missing, ask the guy what he likes. The best way to approach the subject of sex though, for most people, is over coffee or dinner...NOT in the bedroom. That can be too threatening. And when you ask, make sure that the approach is about YOU not him.

"What can I do in bed to really turn you on?" "I would like to drive you crazy in bed. Tell me how." "Wow, you are so damn handsome. I want to make sex incredible for you. What can I do?"

He may tell you that he can only really enjoy sex if it involves whipped cream and candles. Whatever. Just smile and say that you are up for that...and then try it. You may find a hidden fetish of your own. But whatever you do, it should always come down to a conversation with your partner.

[pellaz]

thinking outside the box is good and bad especially for my cat. Most straight relationships, the other 95%, the partners are very dis matched. Some how the world still turns for them or at least 50% put off divorce and remain married a lifetime.

Look for what aspects of him and you fit together, how do you compliment each other into a household.

I took you comment "he is not that interested in you yet" as he really isnt to keen on a relationship in his live just yet. Everyone has concentric reasoning and if something is this way it must be all about themselves instead of attempting to see something through your partners's eyes. Except your fate that your over thinking it and your will be the one "do you love me" "you love me more" "kiss" ... That will be your role and just do it and be happy, take your time to enjoy. Some relationships are all about the sex, some relationships have the set but all about friendship, some are about the household.

[TKC]

Thanks, everyone, for your advice and opinions. I really appreciate them!

I think this is my hang-up: I *ALWAYS* have amazing chemistry with anything more than a trick. Lord knows I've had more than my fair share of one-nighters, but anything beyond that usually rocks my freakin' socks in bed, and for the honeymoon phase - at least - even with a quick peck on the lips. And, I've experienced that chemistry in different ways (one guy I met at his house and ripped his clothes off as soon as he opened the door, we had sex on his living room floor and THEN went out on our first date. Or, the most recent ex I was never physically attracted to, but between the chemistry and the complement between our personalities it worked for us - for a couple of years). So, to not have that kind of chemistry with someone that, on paper at least, meets all my requirements, it's just so freakin' odd to me - especially when the animal magnetism shows up between us everywhere but when we kiss and between the sheets.

That said, we did have the conversation last night - at least about chemistry showing up when our lips are locked (because I knew I could evoke passionate sex, myself) - and we had a good chat about it. He said he's noticed the same thing, but also that it's a pattern in his life when it comes to people he has more than a fleeting interest in...that it's because of the comfort level - as in he's really comfortable with how this is heading. And, it's curious that he used the word comfort, because that's what I've felt when I kissed him, like an actively called upon state of comfort (where I'm used to an actively called upon state of "OH-HOLY-JESUS-CHRIST-ON-A-CRACKER").

I can understand this, I'm a bit more feisty than that, but I can understand and totally accept it. That said, he stayed the night last night and we had some pretty remarkable sex this morning - and the passion came from both of us...win! So, maybe I've got - well - nothing to worry about at this stage and should've just waited until we had some face-to-face time to chat.

Thanks again for your idea, opinions, and advice. :0)

[gilhooly]

One or both of you are suffering from guilt. Guilt is what takes the glow from great sex between guys. Are either of you experiencing anticlimaxes after sex. It is a depressing feeling you get when you feel you did something foolish or let the other guy down.

I always talked constantly to guys before, during and after sex. I constantly asked questions about his last orgasm and how long would it take until we could have sex again. I was relentless. He came in my door I undressed to the nude in front of him. I got an erection in front of him. Most guys got horny when they realized how horny I was. I was never shy it leads to guilt. Guilt sucks and you either don't have sex again or you never warm up to each other.

I wouldn't be vague about kids. I would ask him how many he would like to adopt. What countries they might come from. Vagueness sucks in a relationship. Either end it or make it the relationship you want.

TKC take some risks. Tell him exactly how you feel. I don't even know you and I enjoyed reading your thread. Assume he will. One spark is all it takes and you are glued to the guy for the rest of your life. It is a worthwhile experience. The guy I loved has come back to see me since he died. I get a hardon looking at my favorite ghost. I am planning my itinerary in heaven with him. Actually, he has never heard of GaySpeak. I will tell him to organize a GS convention in heaven. I wonder if God permits nude conventions in heaven. We will find out.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

but physically he's not incredibly attracted to me

Well there is the problem.

[TKC]

You're right and I whole-heartedly agree - it is 1 million percent about communication - open, honest, real, and sometimes scary communication.

In my early 20's, I very much felt that there were some people who, even though I knew from the start that it wouldn't be a life-long relationship, could offer me experiences that I wanted/needed to have and so I went for it (having communicated this to them - of course). As I reach towards my 30's, I find I've had enough of those experiences and I'm only looking to spend time with those that are potential lifelong co-cowboys. As such, talks like the children talk come up quickly and with a lot of importance placed on them. For example: I want a kid, I want a 5 year old in just over 6 years when I'm 35. I have no biological need for a child spawned directly my genes and, while I'm open to it, I'm not particularly pining for a newborn or full-on baby (not super keen on being thrown-up on constantly, though if it happened I'm sure I'd adjust just like I did with my dog and taking care of his messes). I'm open to more than one, but I will not commit until I have the first and can really assess our lives together at that point. So, I'm not willing to waste my time with people who don't KNOW that they want at least 1 kid, or people who KNOW they want 37 kids. I'm not willing to waste my time with people who want them sooner or later than I do. And, I'm not saying that anyone I meet that has a different plan or timeframe is a general waste of time or are anything less that perfect unique snowflakes that are intrinsically awesome...just that they don't meet my list of requirements, that I'm ok with that, and that I would rather know sooner than later so we can both continue seeking our "one".

After this last roll in the hay, I made it known both verbally and physically (let's just say we had to wipe down the walls) that we seemed to have a stronger connection this go-round and that I really enjoyed it and was looking forward to how that would evolve and continue to grow. Then followed with a "GoTeamGreatSex" high-five. Yup! I'm a little corny. But, it drove the point home. When my father passed unexpected, almost 6 years ago now, I was really lucky that we had an incredibly close relationship and there was nothing that either of us left unsaid but it further drove that point home. I will not miss an opportunity to grow, change, experience, enjoy because of what I was afraid to say. It's too easy to miss out on everything and spend your life in regret if you do.

That said, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your partner's passing. You have my deepest condolences. AND, I find it incredibly romantic that you're planning your eternal life with him. Also, I'm positive that in whatever form heaven/the afterlife/eternity takes there will be nude conventions - the best kind!

Thank you for the kind words and advice - I have/will absolutely take them to heart and can guarantee that there will be nothing left unsaid and no opportunity for growth that is unexamined.

[TKC]

Hey Bowyn,

I'd absolutely agree if I knew that were the case...but it was more conjecture than anything else. I have reason to believe that's not true and more likely a little insecurity on my part.

I'm still carrying about 20lbs extra from where I was before my last relationship (it's amazing what 2.5 years in a relationship that doesn't really work will allow you to do to yourself). And, while it's not excessive, I'm a little insecure about it. I graduated high-school at 260lbs, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it just wasn't me - it was a barrier. So, anytime I put on any significant weight, I freak out about it because I don't want to lose my quality of life and I'm afraid of getting back to that point. I actually brought it up to him after I brought up that I was crushing on him hardcore, and he's given me no reason to believe that it's an issue to him, and actually stated that it wasn't. I think the extra 20 in conjunction with him being extremely fit from instructing yoga just played to my insecurities - and am more comfortable with it just being me after my chat with him, the other night, about our chemistry and why it was wonky. That said, he shows signs of having lost a considerable amount of weight himself, which likely adds an extra level of understanding on his part.

AND, there's absolutely a chance that he's not being 100% honest, but he hasn't set any precedent, so far, that would cause me to believe that he's a liar or a withholder which would bother me WAY more than if he wasn't physically attracted to me because of an extra 20lbs. I'm *NOT* one of those guys that feels that physical appearance shouldn't be important. It is, and I understand that. His physical attraction to me only came into question because logically it could fit the bill as to where the disfunct was - at least between the sheets...but post-convo I trust his experience and understanding of how he operates.

Who knows for sure, besides him? We'll find out - that's for sure :0D.