The "M" word

[archubbycub]

So my boyfriend had "batted" the idea of us getting married more than a couple of times now and I have to be honest, the idea of being married again sort of scares me. It's not that I don't love him or can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him, cause I do on both counts. It's just whenever he brings it up I cringe internally and try to change the subject as fast as possible.

Some of it, I think is the fact that our finances aren't really where they need to be. They're getting better, but still not where I'd like them to be. Secondly, even though I really do love him, I don't want to just "jump" into that level of commitment this early. I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a little over eight months. Which leads me to my final point.

I think the biggest obstacle I have to getting married at this point is all the emotional baggage that I'm still carrying around from my last marriage. Maybe it's wrong of me, but coming out of a wrecked marriage, all be it a lot of that was my fault, and a messy divorce, I think I may be worried about another long term relationship turning out the same way. And that really bothers me because I want to completely let go of the past so that I can enjoy the present and the future with the one I love, whether it's my current boyfriend or whoever.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I don't want to keep comparing any relationship I may be in to the one I had with my ex wife. I just wish I could figure out how to do that.

[HomeagainNYC]

Tell him exactly what you just posted here, instead of trying to change the subject - leaving his question unanswered.

If you really love him and see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, then it's the only way you're going to learn - over time - to check the baggage at the door.

Include him in the relationship - right now your keeping him at arms length - with your baggage firmly in tow. Not fair.

You're not the first person, nor, will you be the last to face this issue, but how it turns out for both of you is going to be about your choice to either include/exclude him.

How will you ever know what he has to offer on your issues, if you exclude him?

[TKC]

TOTALLY understandable. First, have you talked to your boyfriend about this? If not, yall have a serious chat to have - which doesn't have to be a bad thing, right? It can totally bring you closer together, allow him to understand your point of view, and give you the ease of knowing that he's going to give you the time to process what you need to.

That said, I think it also may help to know that 8 months in is statistically around the time that people start talking about marriage in relationships. It's on the earlier side of the spectrum, for sure, but it's totally normal. So, know that the BF isn't pushing things any faster than what's the norm, but also know that what's the norm doesn't mean it has to fit your time frame.

What are you doing to process through your past hurts and create a clean slate for the current beau? For me, I find that reading helps put a lot of things in perspective. I'm reading a book now, Radical Forgiveness, that - in all honesty - isn't great but is built around a worksheet that is phenomenal at helping to release and forgive prior transgressions of all magnitudes. I'd recommend it. Another good read is "Growth and Intimacy For Gay Men" - another worksheet based book, but this one is good throughout - and having brought it up it's probably worth a reread for myself. Sidenote: can you tell I like the worksheets?

There is nothing wrong with where either of you are, as long as you both know where the other is, why, and can respect that you're in different places right now. If you haven't had that conversation, it's probably the most important thing I would recommend right now.

Best of luck and, whatever you do, work hard to release and forgive your past transgressors. Even if this isn't your happily ever after, having a clean slate will make it much easier if he is/when he shows up.

[MisterTinkles]

[SIZE="5"]Damn I AM old......

I read The "M" word and thought of The Divine Miss M (Bette Midler)!!![/SIZE]

[archubbycub]

Thanks guys! Lot of good advice there and a couple of good chuckles as well. As far as what I'm doing to put the past behind me, I'm basically trying to distance myself from my ex wife as much as I can. Not an easy task to accomplish, considering there are children involved. But it seems to me that my ex does not want to move on at this point and thrives on creating drama for me. So I'm moving on as best I know how.