What will I do?

[Ross]

Hello. I've been here before, asking for advice. I'm still not sure about my sexual orientation (although I'm most likely gay), but that's not really the issue right now.
I'm going to college this year. I'm going to study in a different city (although I'll continue to live with my family), meet new people and my life is going to be completely different. I want to come out, because I want to start living my life. I want to be able to pursue a relationship if I start having feelings for a guy. I really need to be myself. But I don't think that will happen any time soon. Some members of my family wouldn't accept the fact that I like men, and that would affect not only me, but people I care about, and they have enough problems already, they can't deal with this right now. And most of my friends are always making jokes about gay people. I've never heard any supportive comment from them towards the subject. I know that if I came out, some of them would probably say that they don't care, but I know they wouldn't accept it and understand it, and that would make things weird between us, and they are the closest friends I've got. And I don't feel comfortable sharing this with them knowing what they think about it. And although we're close, we're not that close. That's probably my fault, I find it hard to trust someone. So, I don't have anyone to turn to. I don't have that really close friend I can trust everything and my family has its own problems to deal with. I can't talk about this with anyone.
If I came out, I wouldn't be ready to deal with the consequences, and I would feel guilty if someone was affected. I think it would be easier if I was living on my own and had a job, if I was independent. If I wasn't living with my family that would not affect anyone. But I'm going to college, which means I'll be living with my family for the next 6/7 years, at least. That makes me really sad. I won't be able to live my life, to be with a guy if I want to. I don't know what to do. I know you're probably going to say that I don't need to tell my parents. But if I tell someone they will end up finding out. How could I have a relationship with a guy without anyone knowing about it? And even if I could, that's not what I want. I don't want to hide it, because I'm not doing anything wrong. But I can't open up about this because that wouldn't be good for me and the people I care about.
I just don't know what to do. How will the next years of my life be? What will I do? I'm tired of constantly dealing with this and I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not.
What should I do? I know you're probably tired of reading the same things all the time from the countless users that post here, but I'm really lost and I really need to talk about this.

[LateBloomer]

Have you heard of the "It Gets Better" project?

This video is probably aimed at students younger than you, but the message is, just hang in there. As you get older, you get to pick better friends and you learn to handle things better.

So, in the meantime, take things one day at a time. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and your family. Find yourself some really good friends in college and thing WILL get better.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

AAnd most of my friends are always making jokes about gay people. I've never heard any supportive comment from them towards the subject. I know that if I came out, some of them would probably say that they don't care, but I know they wouldn't accept it and understand it, and that would make things weird between us, and they are the closest friends I've got.

Clearly they are not your friends.


Like it or not, even in this 21st century there are people who are going to not like you and down right hate you regardless.

You can't choose your family. That is a given.. but you can choose your friends.

Most gays hang with other gays far more than with straights, owing to the complexities of the straight brain being unable to accept LGBT. So when you do come out and start hanging with your own kind, you will make new friends to replace the old ones that can't handle your being you.

Yes family is going to hate you, yes family may disown you - but you can replace them as well. There are plenty of loving people in the world who will step up to the plate and be your adopted family/surrogate family.

No one likes to be rejected, but being rejected is a part of life and we learn to cope with it, we learn to move on, to distance ourselves from those reject us and to make fast, real friendships with those who don't reject us.

If I came out, I wouldn't be ready to deal with the consequences, and I would feel guilty if someone was affected.

Its nice to know you are empathetic of the needs of others. However if someone is affected negatively over your being gay that is ON THEM - it is not on you. They choose to allow your homosexuality affect them negatively. You don't choose to be gay, straight, bi whatever - you are born that way.

Little truth, you will never be fully "ready" to suffer the consequences. Never. There is no preparing for rejection, not preparing for the words of hatred, the bigotry, the loathing people will have. Again that is all on them. The best you can do is learn acceptance that there are people in the world who are stuck in the 19th century. Their choice.

Eventually you will come out, and yes there will be mixed results. True Friends will rise above this and not care you are gay, or they will care in a positive way (Consider yourself warned: Straight people love to play match maker for their gay friends).

Not so true friends, mere acquaintances will kick you to the side - but they were never a friend to begin with so its no big loss.

I think it would be easier if I was living on my own and had a job, if I was independent. If I wasn't living with my family that would not affect anyone. But I'm going to college, which means I'll be living with my family for the next 6/7 years, at least. That makes me really sad. I won't be able to live my life, to be with a guy if I want to. I don't know what to do. I know you're probably going to say that I don't need to tell my parents.

I am utterly amazed at kids these days. I worked a part-time to near full time job while taking on max credits at institutions of higher learning. True, I didn't have a life - true I was tired all the time and hard pressed to balance my schedule between classes and job(s).

I also took summers off from school and crammed a lot of work into my summers saving up every single penny I had to keep food on the table and a roof over my head. I painted houses for several summers - it was hard, demanding work, over 12 hours a day when the summer days were long. It paid crap wages (for the time), but I was able to squirrel away twenty here, fifty there.

Yes I passed on many a night out with friends, yes I had to wear last years fashions - but I had my full independence and was able to live my life as I choose.

Independence is yours for the taking if you are willing to work for it. You want to be out from under the thumbs of others they figure out a plan of action that achieves that.

Plenty of universities and colleges have lots of apartments/flats/houses that are shared by 'roommates' I have seen two bedroom apartments packed with 6 individuals all paying 1/6th of the rent.

There are most likely other options for you. Perhaps you can find a boy-friend and share an apartment, or a studio apartment.

[Spellbound]

I'll second what BA said. I lived in the halls of residence while I was studying and playing snooker and worked during the vacations in a dirty factory just for some money. I got a job right after college and moved away from home and never went back except to get fed sometimes.

Get a degree in between getting drunk and then get the hell away from home and get a job and then start making some cash so you're independant. Then you can do what you want.

Good luck.

[TKC]

Coming out is hard. Staying in the closet is way harder.

We don't know your full situation, but if independence is what you need, take it. I moved out when I wad 16. I had a full time day job and went to school at night. It was fucking hard, but worth every moment of it. I never got my degree, but quickly worked my way into a role where not only it didn't matter, but I'm also being paid more than what I would earn - on average - should I have ever finished it...

The choice is yours. If you need that independence, find it. Take it. Make sacrifices, know that you'll eat ramen noodles every day, and be thankful for it. And, that in that time you still may not have a boyfriend because you may not have the time, but you'll have your freedom.

[fb44]

im in the same situation and I can understand even though I cant advice I just wanted to let you know others could relate to you. Also TKC and BA have given some really good points which shows how being independent really is freedom because no one can boss you around.

[Ross]

LateBloomer: Yes, I have. That project is really good. Thanks for your advice.

Bowyn Aerrow: When I said "If I came out, I wouldn't be ready to deal with the consequences, and I would feel guilty if someone was affected" I meant those people would probably put themselves in a difficult situation by taking my side and they have their own problems to deal with. They don't completely understand homosexuality but they would accept me. But that would bring them problems they wouldn't be able to deal with right now. And I would feel guilty.

I've thought about that. Getting a job, go to college and live on my own. But that would mean leaving people that need me here. Some members of my family would probably be ok with me being gay, although they don't fully understand homosexuality. And I have people that care about me and that are very important to me. If I went to live in another city, it would be difficult for them, and for me. I'm their support. It's kind of hard to explain this, I don't know if you understand what I'm saying.

Furthermore, it's impossible to combine a full-time job with the course I'm planning on taking. And a part-time job would not be enough to pay for everything. Not to mention the fact that I'll have to go to college and come home everyday, and I will study in a city a little bit far from where I live. So I would have to live there to be able to have a part-time job, which would complicate the situation because I would have more stuff to pay for. I've thought about it, believe me. If it was possible, I would do it.

Thanks for your advice and for the time you've spent helping me.

Thanks Spellbound, TKC and fb44.