!!! Help !!! Newbie family Problems. From "Kumbaya" to Evil Haters

[bobsofi]

Hi all,

We need your advice.

BACKGROUND

5 sisters in their 50’s, parents in their 80’s. Great family, very close, never any interaction problems.
2 years ago, a sister (we will call her Suzy) leaves her seemingly terrific husband (we will call him Fred) of 30 years for a gay women (we will call her Mary). Suzy has been having an affair with Mary for 6 months. Suzy leaves Fred (Fred has a terrific personality and makes over $50k a month), Suzy moves in with her lover Mary. Suzy has several adult children, the youngest away at college.
None of us had any idea that Suzy and Fred were not happy.

Suzy tells the family she is leaving Fred to live with Mary. The family explodes with anger and rallies around Fred. Invites Fred to holidays (Fred was never very involved before).

I am the husband of the only sister that supports Suzy. I am also very supportive of Suzy.

This has gone along now for nearly 2 years. It is tiresome and no fun from myself, or my wife, to interact with these haters.

The 3 sisters and the mom whom object (the haters), say it is not a gay issue, they say it is an infidelity issue. They will talk on and on about how great a guy Fred is, and how wrong Suzy was to leave him. What a horrible thing she is doing to the children. They will say things like “I just can't seem to get over this”. “ I am not comfortable supporting this wrong”.

Anyway, my life experience mental play book says. Be patient. Set the example. They will come around.

Now my wife and I are thinking. Distance ourselves from these haters. This is painful. This family that was so “kumbaya” great, is now broken forever.

I have seen many angry problem family's. This family that was so Kumbaya. It was amazing. It is hard to watch it whither.

??? What do you all suggest ???

!!! Thanks in Advance !!!

[TKC]

Hey boss,

First, kudos to you and your wife for supporting Suzy. It sounds like you know as well add any of us how hard this must have been for her, and that we all deserve to be happy. Really, mad props to you two.

Ya know, as much as it sucks, we can't change anyone's mind or behavior - try as we might. That really really sucks. It's really unfortunate the way that Suzy and Mary started their relationship, but it's not like they can do it over again either. And, if the family is legitimately not homophobic, that's probably three last angle I'd try to bring them back together. We can't change the past, and I'm sure no one was looking to hurt Fred, but that doesn't mean that Suzy is a bad person and that Mary isn't worth getting to know and love.

If they are homophobic and using the unfortunate circumstances as a mask, there's really not much to be done. While this isn't a hard and fast rule, if they were going to come to terms with her sexuality, it probably would have happened by now. If that's the case, all you can do is let Suzy know how much you love and support her and distance yourselves from the family. It sucks, but you can't let the ignorance and anger of others reign supreme in your lives.

You know, unless they're open to family counseling.

Best of luck...and know that Suzy really appreciates you two.

[LateBloomer]

Anyway, my life experience mental play book says. Be patient. Set the example. They will come around.

Definitely take the high road here. It's much more peaceful up there.

You and your wife can spend some private time with S & M...



As for the larger family. Do what you must. Stay diplomatic. Speak your truth quietly but firmly. If the toxicity levels get too high at family functions you and your wife might need a pre-arranged signal one of you has had enough and it's time to go. Talk about it and agree on a plan before you hang out with the family.

Good luck...and P.S. I agree the family might have some issues with infidelity even if S was messing around with a man. The reaction might have been the same. But in that case, my advice would be the same too.

[pellaz]

a gay can have a functional straight relationship. Likely the relationship will not be that strong and most likely it will be outside the box, different than expected.
If they discover them selves, especially after the children have gone the husband and wife go their separate ways how is this bad? They have lived a functional life and are intelligent enough to know what they are doing in the second half of their live.

It would be nice to live in a time where people less pressured to confirm into a str8 typical relationship, have children. Sexuality is very individual and like red hair we are not going to change.

for the 95% of the population that is not gay all is good.
They have a 50% chance for their marriage to work out and they have the same partner their whole life, sweet. Just think of the failed marriages; how many could be stronger if the individuals were allowed to be honest with them selves at a younger age. Nice to be gay these days but has not always been that way.

Your extended family really feels like they need to sleep in each others beds? NO. They need to tolerate the individuals house hold. Encourage the extended family members to respect each other's decisions even tho they think they could do better.

[bobsofi]

The reason for the post… a few years back the 80+ year old mom had a medical procedure to stop a tumor growth. All the sisters’ kumbaya’d together and smiled through the worry and responsibility of major operation and lengthy recovery.

Now, a few years later, the tumor growth is back, and a similar major operation and recovery is on the immediate horizon. The two sisters that were most involved, and are by far and away best able to tackle the task, are my wife and Suzy. My wife is furious that the sisters and mom are not accepting of Suzy. Suzy is trying her best to take it all in stride. The 3 other sisters are furious at my wife’s attitude that they should accept Suzy’s change of lifestyle decisions. The “attend daily mass” and “sing in the choir” mom has serious problems accepting the lifestyle change experience, and has repeatedly stated… “more time is needed to accept it”.

My feelings are, Suzy has always been a level headed kind soul that has given and given to the prior family Kumbaya experience. We all make mistakes and divorce can be ugly. Suzy is level headed and intelligent, and would not make the decision to leave Fred for Mary without careful consideration. Suzy, by far and away, deserves to be accepted, unconditionally. I do not believe that the 3 sisters and mom are gay friendly. On the contrary, I believe that the “coming out” gay issue is the core of their acceptance objections.

That is why I am posting here. I envisioned that this type of issue is not uncommon in the gay community, and that you all would be best able to share the do’s and don’ts of family Kumbaya recovery.

!!! Thanks for your advice and sharing !!!

[pellaz]

encourage the extended family not to be so concerned with who is sleeping with whom. I think that is a sin too.

So you consider every angle; clinical recovery of an 80year old second occurance is low. Sorry. Just so you know even tho everyone is different.

[Miles]

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