Long term boyfriend cheated on me

[bib]

Hi all,
I'm new here and hoping some of you might be kind enough to offer some words of advice.

Where to start? I'm gonna use fake names; he knows I'm on forums but I feel this is more discreet, and I’m sorry this is so long.

I met John when I was 19, only a few months separate our age. We are 29 now. I can honestly say that I couldn't be more thankful to have met him. I regularly say to him that I never imagined I would be as happy as he has made me.

We’ve had several rough patches however. He was sexually active since he was 17, and I was at 18. He doesn’t know how many men he has slept with, whereas I know my number and if I think about it I can name them all. When we met he had just come out of a relationship and just wanted to be friends, this was great, we had sexual chemistry and shared interests so we hung out. This lasted for about two weeks, and then I kissed him.
We started seeing each other; he stayed at the halls at with me at Uni often. During one of the terms I moved out of halls and in with him in his studio flat. I was meant to be studying and he was meant to be doing a college course and working.

Here a pattern emerges, he’s repeatedly failed. John is a fairly shy anxious person, over the past 10 years this has varied but it has persisted. Each time something overwhelms him academically, at work or in a relationship he tends to hide. He worries about things rather than acting, can be rather indecisive and on top of this lazy. I’m sure he also feels trapped by his parents. They are rather wealthy and because they provide so much he has learnt to do for himself in 10 years what I must have learnt in one year when I was about 16, (my family are working class and although we were never very poor I have always been motivated to do things for myself, even if I do it wrong). I’m sure I am partly to blame too, I’ve always looked after him and when he is slow to make decisions ended up making them for him.

During the early years of our relationship he messed up with work and school. If he got into debt his parents would help us out. We lived in several flats together, all the time his parents helped find us places to live and work/education opportunities for him.
Around four years in came our first major blip. I’m less experienced than him (having not slept with many men and having never tried women). I told him I thought we should end things, despite loving him more than anything I wanted other men. After 24 hours I changed my mind.

The same thing happened in year five. However this time I had met up with a mutual friend and kissed him, we planned to go further but I was so guilty and uncomfortable. It turned out that this mutual ‘friend’ and their group had come between us. Several of them wanted John and when John was out with them and drunk they would kiss him. I told him what I had done and left him for four months. I will never forget how much I hurt him. During that time I added three or four notches to the bed post and although I had met some interesting people we ended up back together.

Because I had left he had to eventually move out of our flat and back in with his parents. Not the worst thing in the world because the property they own is massive. For the past five years I have lived with friends and we have been patching up our relationship. I often go to his place. We pretty much have our own space and his family are like my extended family as I have never been very close to my own.

Last year John told me out of the blue that he was moving to another city with his best friend to start life a-new. He had made some drunken decisions while on holiday with this person. I’ve worked out that he emotionally cheated on me with his best friend, they had done nothing physical. On top of this he felt depressed and trapped. He insisted that he didn’t feel trapped by me and more by his nine years of failures and with living with his parents for four years and not living up to their standards. I was so shocked with what he told me. I talked to him and when he came to his senses he asked if he could leave for six months and would I wait for him. I asked him to decide to either stay or leave and not leave me in limbo. He decided to stay. He cut ties with his best friend who we think had manipulated him, John has been very sad and lost much of his social life since losing his best friend. I took the opportunity to tell him that I had got very drunk and kissed a guy at a party, he didn’t seem fazed by it. From there we agreed to be much more honest and communicate much more frankly with each other. Earlier last year I had also found out that I have an illness (not HIV or anything too bad), going into no details I am unwell occasionally. It is sad but we can deal with it.

This summer has been weird. John has always had stomach pain and we guessed that it was partly linked to anxiety and stress. This was confirmed when his dad got him a job at his company. John tried the role for a few months and was way in over his head. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it either. The doctors finally gave him some answers about his stomach and stress. The changes made were great. All but one. While John waits to get into a counselling group the doctor put him on anti-depressants. The meds put a strain on our sex life. They seemed to make him a bit weird and climaxing for him now takes real effort. Knowing how much John likes a drink I asked him to check if he could drink while he is on the meds. We didn’t find info on it so pretty much forgot about it. In the mean time his dad gave us a business venture to consider, we were also looking at different options to live together again.

John likes ‘the scene’ more than me so I’m happy for him to go out with his remaining friends. He always gets too drunk though, ten years ago I was carrying him out of clubs with my friends (who had only just met him) helping me. John has missed his own birthday meal before because of drink. The last couple times we went out were particularly bad. When visiting friends I took a taxi home because I was unwell and because John was very disagreeable. On Friday something similar happened.
It has become clear that John has an alcohol problem. He seems that little bit worse and different while foolishly drinking while on anti-depressants too. Like I said, on Friday I went home and John continued on to a gay bar. I can’t believe I am writing this next bit. He got very drunk and took a guy back to his house they fooled around (wanking and blowjobs I’m told). John’s meds and booze stopped him from cumming. Apparently after the other guy came they passed out. I can pretty much guess what sort of state John must have been in for that to happen, we’ve talked about it and I accept that John is easily led (as he was with his best friend) but of course he is responsible.

That’s where we are. We’ve talked a lot and thought about how to go forward, but I’m so unsure he will change, and have trust issues. We both accept that we are lustful for other men. I think that is only human; however I really cannot tell if it is more of a problem for him. I really want to hate him. I love him too much and always have. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[TKC]

Hi Bib.

First, I'm super sorry. The entire relationship sounds like, while beautiful, it's been a bit on the rough side.

Personally, I don't have many dealbreakers, but cheating is one.

If, however, you want to stick it out, how likely is he to seek treatment for his alcoholism? Does he know he has a problem? Have you talked about AA? And, would he be comfortable with you joining him in meetings if he did go - just so you can rest assured he's seeking the treatment he needs?

It almost sounds like he may have an affinity for the drink because, when drunk, he can be the daring, outgoing, impulsive person he doesn't feel comfortable being when sober. So, maybe there's an issue to address and a start to the healing.

Either way, I know your heart will hurt for awhile, and I wish you luck as you navigate these waters. They're not easy, but whatever you decide you'll emerge stronger on the other side.

[pellaz]

Be careful what you say, maybe give it a few days. Tell him you want to think it out a few days.

Sounds like both of you guys have been with other me ?

[HomeagainNYC]

Life and/or relationships are never easy - no matter the circumstances. It boils down to this - you have to decide if this is a satisfying way of life for you.

If it is stay - if it's not, change it. You seem to have had enough time to consider the matter given your post.

You'll not find any magic formulas to "transform" the relationship - you're seeking advise - what is he seeking?

Actually, what you're seeking is really the question? Once you understand that, your path will be clear.

Some people live their whole lives just as you have described in your post - is that way of life going to do it for you?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think the drinking related to his emotional/mental disorder - which appears that he has depression and anxiety issues.

In AA and other alcohol and drug treatment type programs I learned of the phrase 'Self medicating'. A lot of people turn to alcohol and/or drugs to treat underlying disorders, like anxiety, depression, self esteem issues, shyness, etc.

When they honestly start working on these other issues they discover that they can drink like gentlemen, or stop using X drug and actually start living life.

Its nice John has medication, does he have a therapist too? If not its high time he gets one. While a therapist most likely will not be able to 'fix' whatever is wrong, a therapist will give him a safe place to rant, and hand him customized tools to deal with that ever is bothering him.

No don't ask me what tools - these are customized, they will be tailor fit to John and John's experiences and issues. He will get armed with tools to deal with depression, anxiety, whatever and also might actually be able to get around whatever disturbs him. Such as whatever it is that keeps him from succeeding and ending up failing.

If you want to save this realtionship I strongly suggest finding a couples counselor. There will be three forms of meetings - individual for him, individual for you and then together as an us.

There is a past here, a place where you 'cheated' in a way, a place where he as cheated. Then there are his issues and most likely you have issues.

I see a resentment here:

He worries about things rather than acting, can be rather indecisive and on top of this lazy. I’m sure he also feels trapped by his parents.

He is indecisive and worries over acts - that is most likely anxiety/depression driven. Lazy? Most likely he only looks lazy in reality he is most likely unable to do anything, lacks interest or something related to depression/anxiety.

Your assumption he is lazy given all of the other things you mentioned is a negative response pattern to what is undoubtedly a symptom of a real medical disorder.

A couple's therapist will help you to find 'better' ways to look at the symptoms John presents and hopefully you can keep from falling for those holes where negativity arises - such as calling him lazy when most likely its not laziness but something he can't control.

I think that this latest cheating is actually a symptom of a much larger, wider, deeper issue that John has.

These meds he is on may be making things worse for him. Psychotropic/Psychiatric meds do weird things, leading to some behaviors a person may not normally do. Mixing it with alcohol or other drugs may actually lead to terrible mistakes.

If he is self medicating, using alcohol to treat his depression/anxiety/introversion etc then that is going to complicate his medical doctors program of treatment.

Thus again he needs a therapist.

For at least 10 years John has acted and behaved in a certain way. Like using alcohol as a medication. One cannot possible expect him to undo a decade of learned patterns overnight.

I’m sure I am partly to blame too, I’ve always looked after him and when he is slow to make decisions ended up making them for him.

Interesting. And you can't make decisions for him because..... ?

There are relationships where one partner is dependent on the other partner, and the acceptance of both individuals of their 'roles' makes such relationships flourish.

I think you started out long ago on this plan of action which meant changing John. I think you haven't accepted John for who and what he is and worked with that.

John is not the responsible, decisive, extroverted person that you seem to want/need him to be.

I think if you accept John as John and start looking at your relationship as one where you do do those things like make decisions for him, and 'look after him' you may find that he will blossom and grow his own way in the right soil conditions.

You are you, a net bundle of your experiences and abilities. John is John, the net sum of his experiences and abilities.

he has learnt to do for himself in 10 years what I must have learnt in one year when I was about 16,

And that is a good example. Due to your experiences and your life situation you learned how to learn crap quickly. He doesn't have that common frame of reference that you have to do that.

Either you accept that he isn't you and will never be able to do what you do, or you will have to let him go and try to find a fella that meets these expectations.

If you choose to stick with him, then I strongly suggest therapy for both of you. Couples counseling to work on the 'Us' and individual therapy to work on you and him as individuals.

I think you may have to learn how to be a caretaker. Instead of asking him if he can drink with his meds, I think you are going to have to learn how to follow through for him and find out using the Internets.

If this doesn't appeal to you, if taking care of him and making decisions for him isn't what you want, then that should be what you base the ending of this relationship on.

[bib]

Hi all, thanks for the useful advice. I'm going to take time to read over what you said.

I spoke to John today and got the last piece of the puzzle. The bit he was too scared to tell me.

I need to explain some background. When we have sex we don't often have anal sex and when we do I am the one to receive it. I'm fine with this, I think our sex life is really good. When John tries to receive anal, be it a dildo, finger or penis he says it hurts. He describes it as a burning sensation. He doesn't like being rimmed. I haven't tried to fuck him in years and can easily count the attempts on my left hand. He's only ever wanted to fulfil me. However I'm happy to be the 'bottom'.

John has explained what happened to him on Friday in more detail. He was happy to make a new 'friend', then later being very drunk and clearly off his head because of the meds he tried to go home. He can't remember kissing the guy in the bar or anything. He tried to phone his sister for a lift. It was about 3am so she didn't answer. John walked home. This other person went with him. John went to bed, so did this other person. Before long this other person had instigated sex. John says he was semi-concious. John doesn't remember how he got to the bathroom but this other person had bent him over the sink and had fucked him without protection. John thinks this person had used some moisturiser as lube and hadn't tried to rim or finger him first.

John told me the whole thing was like a weird dream where he was outside his body. He remembers very few details, not even the pain he must have felt. My best friend who I have been seeking advice from wonders if John's drink was spiked but I am pretty sure it is just the meds and alcohol. In the morning this other guy left after about 20 minutes.

John has been to the sexual health clinic for all the tests and is having treatment designed to stop HIV infection after potential exposure. He's been in some pain. I'm now convinced that John was 'blackout drunk' and that the meds made things ten times worse. I think he was taken advantage of.

I'm going to help him as much as I can. BA thanks for your long reply, even with the extra info here your words are of use.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

^^^ That new information means he didn't technically cheat - he was raped.

And he is going to need counseling for that. If he doesn't start working on that situation its not going to get better for him emotionally/mentally and it will drive a huge wedge between the two of you and drive you further apart.

[Kiid]

I'd cry and cry and cry and cry and then my mum would tell me what I need to do and that would be break up wif him. Trust once lost is a (EXTREMELY)hard thing to regain.

[KawaiiKitty]

Maybe someone can explain it to me because its kinda beyond my comprehension I think but how does one get so drunk that they cheat on their SO? When I get SO drunk that I would be to the point of "cheating" I probably wouldnt be able to perform or I would black out. And Ive downed as much as a case or more of beer at a bar before and the thought never even occurred to me to cheat with someone. I know everyone is different and that with alcohol it lowers your inhibitions but it doesnt completely erase them by any means. It seems like there is always a baseline in your brain that keeps you from doing certain things involuntarily that says, "hey this might be a bad idea!"

Im not trying to hold myself up as the perfect example or anything. Ive just never bought the excuse of "oh well I was drunk so I cheated, sorry!" or its like people get so drunk that they trip and their dick accidentally falls into the other guy's asshole.

Im also really not sure what to tell the OP. At this point you've both fucked up with other people. I guess Im what some might call a serial monogamist. I dont sleep around when Im with someone, thats a deal breaker for me. You guys on the other hand have two options really. Either you wipe the slate clean and try to forgive(cause as much as you would want to youll never forget that each other cheated) all thats in the past. Or you make a clean break of it and never see each other again even as friends. Anything less than that would wind up making you two get back together then one or both of you cheat again. Then youll break up only to make up again. Itll be a never ending repeating cycle that will leave you both very very unhappy in the end.

[bib]

Thanks for the further comments guys. John doesn't want to use the term 'rape'... I think he is being a little naive to be honest, I'm not sure how he is going to cope. I think he may be blaming himself.

John is seeking counselling for his depression/anxiety issues and a separate, more intensive therapy for his drinking. With the drinking he wants to entirely change his attitude towards it. I hope when he gets counselling what happened to him comes up. I'm going to check again if he wants to speak to anyone specifically about it.

Thanks to KK, in that last post, I'm going to have a serious think about our relationship. If one us strays again then I'll have to take more serious action. As for the drunkenness, I can remember most events while drunk and if I get to drunk I throw up. I think John experiences differently because of the amount he drinks and how quickly. I've no idea how anti-depressants add to that, I certainly wouldn't want to take them having never tried anything stronger than pot or alcohol.