22 and totally confused with life

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm.
I'm 47... Which is dead in the Gay community.

Single - my 14.5 year relationship ended when I discovered my ex was having sex with lots of men for the last 12 years of my relationship - me, not so much. He and I ended up not having sex after he came home with a positive test score (HIV). I wasted at least 12 years on him.

No real 'job' (Yeah I'm a property caretaker that pays extremely lousily). Now I am also doing personal care for the old man (Landlord) without pay! Apparently I love to be a slave because I ain't got the balls to stand up and say no!

I pissed off my educational options on ministry of all things. At least with an art degree you won't be asked why it is you turned you back on God if you don't follow through.

My life is a train wreck of events, a slowly piling up train wreck, which has been hard at this wrecking since spring of 2012. Lost my drivers license, my truck threw a rod, lost my business that made me a bit of money, I have at least two herniated disks in my spine (neck and lower back, I suspect I busted a third between the two). My knee is frelled/fraked beyond repair. I wake up every day in pain and go to bed every night in agony.

I'm old, tired, broke and broken (physically and mentally and emotionally). Next month I get to choose between having internet service or phone service.

And my landlord's dog pissed on my shoes last night. That is what he thinks of me.

The difference between you and me? You are still young and I assume healthy enough to get out there and change your life. You still have options.

You are expected to make mistakes and to correct your course over the next decade.

Another difference between you and me - I have a sense of humor and understand perfectly well that I ain't getting out of life alive. I also know that most of the people who look like they have their shit together are actually up to their eye brows in debt and are a minute away from losing everything.

I am fortunate, I have nothing left to lose....

[Grey]

Trust me, you are not alone. I'm 24 and due to a recent messy breakup I'm single, unemployed, lost my friends, ruined any relationship I had left with my family, I lost my house, wrecked my car and pretty much turned my life upside down. Everyone doesn't get things together as quick as some people. Keep your chin up.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, you're not alone in this. 21, and pretty much feel the same way most of the time. Just because your friend has her life together doesn't mean you have to, we all get there at different paces. Some people just take longer than others to get past that "awkward phase" than others, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Try going to some social groups or something? It'd help you meet some new people - and make new friends - help you learn new skills (which you could put on your CV depending on what they are), and would probably help your confidence a bit too? Plus it'd get you out your house, and help to distract you from any of the negativity you're feeling?

What do you want to be famous for? We all have dreams, but nobody ever gets it handed to them. People aren't going to notice you unless you make an effort to be noticed. If you like singing, make some youtube videos, if you like drawing, start a webcomic. When it comes to fame it's not an easy road, but the internet is certainly your friend when it comes to getting noticed.

On the whole "caring about looks" side, I think it's true to an extent... but if you're looking for a meaningful relationship, I don't think you're going to find one with somebody who would only like you with clear skin and a certain body weight. It sounds cliche, but if a person doesn't like you for who you are, then they're really not worth it.

Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk to a fellow awkward individual. I'm sure we could share stories lol

I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's community college, they don't even allow GLBT clubs to start. There's been numerous petitions...

I've always wanted to be famous for singing. Any genre, preferably country, rock or pop (and any combination). Then there's acting (I'm around so much drama all the time), and writing (I have so many ideas with stories but no motivation to write them out).

I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

I don't particularly prescribe to dream meanings etc, but I think in this case the fame thing is a subconscious desire for recognition of your own self-worth and for the approval of others.

Interesting you mention suicide and that you don't believe in it as a solution. I'm wondering why you made mention of it.

Are things REALLY that bad and you're simply exploring opinions and attitudes to taking your own life? If you have suicidal thoughts please see someone and talk to them about it. Don't let it get worse because in my experience, it doesn't seem to get better on its own.

If it were me, I'd be talking to my doctor rather than doing a back-flip off a car park for the sake of a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Keep talking to us - and let us be strong for you!

[COLOR="DarkRed"]I mention suicide and don't believe in it because I believe that if one feels that life is holding them back, perhaps it could launch them into something great. And if life has hit rock bottom for someone, there's only one way to go - up.
[/COLOR]


To everyone else who replied, thanks. Really. Like a bunch.

I probably need to see some sort of doctor or something - I do go through these bouts of depression, though they are rather short lived (lasting only a couple days).

To be honest - today I'm just ignoring the negative, though there are days where it's just not possible - they probably call this a bad day. All it takes is one single moment of chastise from my mother or negativity for doing something from my father.

I've lost a best friend for other circumstances, but the one that's stuck around for me and I for her is my BFF from high school. She doesn't have much of a social life anymore though - 30-40 hour work week consisting of back to back double shifts as a waitress/cashier. And she's only taking two classes this semester because of it.

The less negative/more positive days I always find myself day dreaming on things. Like finally having a job, finally having my own place, finally this and that. And then I get impatient and go back to whatever it is I was doing (such as housework or homework if school is in session).

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"bouts of Depression" of only a few days?

Hmmm.

Depression doesn't hit all a sudden, it starts of slowly, almost invisibly, and slowly works itself in deeper and deeper. "low grade depression" is what you might have, or something darn close. Dysthymia

If you have the low grade type, then a small dose of antidepressant may be all you need. Unless there are other issues in your life, stress related, situational that you can look at and see as being 'problematic' for you, then a therapist can help you figure out if that other stuff is causing you slight depression.

Oh and learn to laugh -honestly, life is too short and too crazy to take it that seriously. Laugh at it.

[Dreamer]

I have dealt with similar circumstances
of not feeling adequate
to the general typical standard
one would think equals normalcy
for someone their own age.[SIZE="2"]
(despite not being in the closet-my family know and support me there)[/SIZE]

Everyone young and old
experience the same insecurities
in themselves ALL THE TIME.

Even people who have their "shit together" in your eyes,
and to the rest of the public's,
live in periodic shambles as in what to do,
where to go in life,
not feeling "fulfilled",
and so-forth..

I came to this revelation,
when speaking to my best friend recently on the phone.

I'd always compare myself to friends like him my age [SIZE="2"]
(and somewhat envied)[/SIZE],
with how he's "progressed"
and "succeeded" in living independently,
chasing his dreams,
and making a good living for himself.

He works full time as a head chef
in a high-end sushi restaurant in New York.

He has his own place,
makes big money,
is pursuing his dreams of being a successful musician,
and yet,
he still has episodes of self-doubt,
anxiety and the blues,
like "what the fuck am I doing with my life?".

He just happily had a baby with his high-school sweetheart,
and there's no worries there
because he can more than afford it.

To me that's all "making it".

Funny though,
because my perception
could be further from the truth
of his reality.

He's never been this lost
and filled with self-doubt,
ever in his life!

So,
even though we are at different points
in each others lives,
we are on the same boat internally.

We all feel insecure at times.
That doesn't make us mentally ill,
or inadequate,
it just means we're human.

[starbelly]

The economy is tough. A lot of people are unemployed, and it sucks, but all you can do is keep trying on that.

I'm a year older than you and have moments like you mentioned a lot where I compare myself to those around me and I feel like a loser, and I even have a job and go to a state university in the city, but they all seem "ahead" of me for some reason. My best friend has moved around probably fifteen times in the past two years and doesn't exactly "have her shit together", but she's genuinely "living", and I sometimes feel like I'm not. School keeps me busy and I'm considering applying for grad school next year, but I took the summer off and it gives you a lot of time to stew over these things, and I feel similar to you in the sense that I haven't had a lot of the experiences that so many of my peers have had.

I live with my dad still since I can't afford full-time tuition plus rent with a part-time job, and I've never dated anyone, ever (my family knows I'm gay, by the way, and it's not a problem). I'm too much of a chicken shit to put myself out there and have a low-ish self-esteem too, which doesn't help. As scary as it is, your family is going to have to know the truth about you at some point. Luckily my family was fine with it and didn't shun me or throw me on the streets at 17, so I'm lucky in that regard.

As for the suicide thing, I WAS actually suicidal on and off for about two years, but never got to the point of no return, so to speak. I always stopped myself before, and I'm glad I did. Life's a struggle, man, and you can't do much else besides keep trucking on. I've had a lot of health problems too which have added to my stress level— I've had heart problems since childhood, got diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic five months ago, and also just went into 'remission' from cancer in May after dealing with it for a year and a half, and am thankful beyond belief for that. But yeah, it's an uphill battle. Remember that you're not alone in feeling confused and totally fucked up about life. Things get bad, but they usually also get better too. At this point, I just try to take it one day at a time and see what happens. I still have my bouts of depression, but those are usually concerning my lack of a love life (and the fact that all of my friends and family members have had plenty of their shares of it). That gets to me. But, like I said, I'm not confident enough to put myself out there. Hopefully one day I come across an aggressor who initiates something with me, because it's just not in my nature to be a pursuer.

[kidchameleon]

I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's community college, they don't even allow GLBT clubs to start. There's been numerous petitions...

I've always wanted to be famous for singing. Any genre, preferably country, rock or pop (and any combination). Then there's acting (I'm around so much drama all the time), and writing (I have so many ideas with stories but no motivation to write them out).

I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

It doesn't have to be an LGBT group, just something social. Maybe a drama club for instance, if you enjoy acting? Or a choir? Something in line with your other interests would be good, because it'd help you get practice, as well as make friends with similar interests - who you could maybe work with? For instance, you could meet a friend a a Drama club... and then make a Youtube series with them? All sorts of potential possibilities

Or, while you're looking for a job, you could volunteer somewhere? It'd get you out and about, help you meet people/socialize, it's good for the soul, and it'd look great on your CV. Charity Shops, Old Folks Homes, Befrienders... there's all sorts of things you could do

Your best bet would definitely be to do something online then. And if you're shy (for instance) the internet is definitely the way to go. When I used to want to be a writer, I started my own little blog, and just wrote a chapter of a little story (about ninjas xD) every week or two. I didn't really know where it was going to begin with, and I never finished it, but I still made a decent length story I could be proud of - and it helped me work on my characterization, pace, dialogue, etc.

With a blog, you could show it to one or two of your friends, share it with people on forums like this, or just leave it to be your own private "online entity". And with a blog, you can take it at whatever pace you want, with no risk of losing things, or forgetting ideas (if you're not sure, just save a draft and return later). You could technically do the same thing on paper, or on the computer, but having it online means you can never lose it, and also - because others can see - could help motivate you, and allow people to give you advice/critique.

For both acting and singing, I'd recommend Youtube. You could do a monologue, write a mini-sitcom, or even create a character and do vlogs in-character (as opposed to just as yourself). Or, you could do some covers of your favourite song (a popular way to get views), write your own songs and perform them, whatever. Even the smallest step towards success is still a step. You just gotta start taking 'em

[sunlover]

I have talent but no way to prove it.

What kind of talent?

Maybe you could make a youtube video to show the world your talent?

[BorneoJake]

I've actually had these same feelings as you not to long ago. Almost identical to mine. The reason why I felt this way was because I was way too busy worrying about what others thought of me. Show people who doubt you that they are wrong. Also, you can't compare yourself to other peoples lives. Your path/journey is the only one that matters to you so go out there and don't let the world bring you down.