I need to lower my expectations

[Anonymous]

Here's another anonymous cry for help...

Lately, the partner and I (two gay males, together for 1+ yrs) have been having some problems.

Actually, it seems I'm always having the problem. I'm frequently frustrated by my partner. I often think he's considering other people's feelings before mine. To me it seems rude, insensitive and inconsiderate--and then I get upset.

He rarely gets upset with me. I'm usually the one who gets his feathers ruffled.

After our last "disagreement" he told me my expectations are too high and no matter how hard he tries to rise to meet them I keep moving them higher and higher.

I think he has a point. I do have high expectations. But I'm also a fair person. I want to treat him fairly. I'm afraid I'm not. But by the same token, I also want to be treated fairly and sometimes I feel like he sells me out.

It's a little bit of a vicious cycle.

And yes, we've talked quite a bit about it. I love him, and he loves me, we're working on it. But I could really use a little advice. I feel pretty helpless at this point.

[MisterTinkles]

So, why does he think everybody elses feelings need to come before yours?

[Anonymous]

So, why does he think everybody elses feelings need to come before yours?

I'm not sure he would agree with that statement, but he would definitely admit his friends are very important to him. Sometimes it seems to me it's more important what his friends think and do than what I think. If forced (and I would never do this to him) but I'm afraid if he were forced to chose between me and his friends he would chose his friends over me.

[MisterTinkles]

Yeah, Ive been around those types of people.
I find that they are not very trustworthy at all. Im not saying your BF is one of them, but all the ones Ive had as friends or co-workers have had that as a bad trait...and none of them could be trusted.

Im not saying they are bad or anything, you just cant trust that they will do what they say they will do.
They make promises easily, but never keep them, much less remember making them.

I would just "ride out" the relationship as it is, but not get any more serious with him than you are now.
Dont expect this to get any better either. He has to WANT to change his bad habits, and apparently he doesnt want to even acknowledge he has this bad habit. So, I wouldnt expect this to get serious.

Sorry, but thats my view.

[Pix]

he told me my expectations are too high and no matter how hard he tries to rise to meet them I keep moving them higher and higher.

I think he has a point. I do have high expectations. But I'm also a fair person. I want to treat him fairly. I'm afraid I'm not. But by the same token, I also want to be treated fairly and sometimes I feel like he sells me out.

Could you give an example or three?

Some people really have no respect for their partners and so his response is just a base dismissal of you, and in this case you need to learn to respect yourself. But others, OTOH, test their partners for loyalty above all others in their raging insecurity and abandonment issues and can thus get a response as your partner gave which in that case IS quite reasonable, and you willingness to work on it admirable. I have no idea which is the case here.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, Ive been around those types of people.
I find that they are not very trustworthy at all. Im not saying your BF is one of them, but all the ones Ive had as friends or co-workers have had that as a bad trait...and none of them could be trusted.

Im not saying they are bad or anything, you just cant trust that they will do what they say they will do.
They make promises easily, but never keep them, much less remember making them.

I would just "ride out" the relationship as it is, but not get any more serious with him than you are now.
Dont expect this to get any better either. He has to WANT to change his bad habits, and apparently he doesnt want to even acknowledge he has this bad habit. So, I wouldnt expect this to get serious.

Sorry, but thats my view.

Little tough to hear, but that's ok. It's an interesting tangent, the whole "trust" issue and saying one thing, and doing another.

We have had the "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" discussion already. I'm looking for less cheap talk and more action--ironically all while I keep my expectations low.

Color me confused.

[Anonymous]

Could you give an example or three?

Some people really have no respect for their partners and so his response is just a base dismissal of you, and in this case you need to learn to respect yourself. But others, OTOH, test their partners for loyalty above all others in their raging insecurity and abandonment issues and can thus get a response as your partner gave which in that case IS quite reasonable, and you willingness to work on it admirable. I have no idea which is the case here.

I could give some specific examples but I want to keep this pretty anonymous. Thank for offering to listen.

But basically I think you have accurately outlined our little circle of dysfunction here.

Yeah, he can rudely dismiss my feelings sometimes.

And yes, I admit, sometimes I do test his loyalty. Call it insecurity or an abandonment issue. I have no idea. But I told him I would like to feel more confident in the relationship (and lately my confidence is shaken). He responded by saying he'll try harder to help me feel more confident.

I agreed I would "chill out" and stop being a "moving target" for him.

Both of us are good guys. Just a little different.