He's not pulling his weight!

[westCoastXplant]

We have been together now for four years. We have been through quite allot in that time including relocating 4 times to 4 different cities. The the issue is this. He is not contributing enough financially and is unable to hold down a job long enough for it to make a difference. A couple of years ago I quit my full time job as a web designer for a well known company and the two of us started our own little company working on a freelance basis from home. I thought this would be a great way for us to combine our skill sets and for him to develop his skills more. He is very good at talking to people (marketing, face to face and phone stuff), and has a good grasp on technology and the Web in general. At first he was pretty enthusiastic and motivated and we were doing quite well for a new startup. After awhile he began to lose interest. He wasn't chasing up new business anymore and gradually it got to the point where I was handling the business on my own. Ok fine I thought, maybe he found it wasn't really what he wanted to do.

Then he basically did nothing but watch TV, play video games, go out socializing. After awhile I became annoyed and had a chat with him and told him he should either put more effort into our business or find some work to bring in some money. The business was doing ok but without both of us working at it together, it only makes enough money to pay the bills, with not much leftover.

He searched for jobs, but he was very picky and it took him months to short list and apply for enough of them to get a response and an interview. The problem here is that he is too smart for his own good. He is amazing at interviews and nearly always gets an offer soon after. But what ends up happening is that he cannot keep the job for more than a couple of weeks as he masters his position too quickly and becomes bored. He either quits or tries to advance his position and this usually results in him overstepping his boundaries with management. This usually leads to him quitting the job. This has happened a few times over the last two years and now we are back in the position where it has been several months again of him doing nothing but watching TV and socializing. He makes numerous excuses and places all these conditions on why he cannot find work just yet. "I'm not feeling well", "I need to do this before I can do that" etc. A couple of times when we were low on money he asked his parents, who are always generous. While I appreciate them being helpful, I don't think it's right. Their son is in a committed relationship with two smart and able bodied people who can provide for themselves.

I have tried to talk to him numerous times about doing his part financially but his response is always reactive rather than proactive. He says he will work on it but then the excuses come and we end up with my income supporting both of us. I make a decent amount of money but because if this issue, I can't afford anything beyond keeping us afloat.

I am at my wits end with this and it's really stressing me out. I really love him, he is a smart guy with allot of potential, but I just don't know what else to tell him. I feel as though he has become like baggage in a way. Our relationship is great otherwise.

Any help or advice appreciated.

[Ryocchi]

It's not something i'm proud of but, I used to be like that.

...Back when I was 16-20.

Basically your partner needs to grow up, I know you pobably love him, but you're his partner not his father/mother, most people work because of neccesity, to make an stable life and to have a little extra to enjoy with your loved ones, if only you work and only he repts the benefits... let's just say that isn't cool.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Aspergers? ADHD?

You two have been together for 4 years, in that time you have moved to 4 different cities - that averages out to a move every year.... ?

Doesn't that seem a bit excessive?

I don't know about you guys but it takes me more than a year to get settled in a new place (especially if its moving far away) and getting new friends and acquaintances to fill in my spare time. If he is a naturally social person it may not be that hard for him to make new friends, but something in his head has got to be asking 'why bother, I'll end up moving away soon and lose them too.'

Moving is a huge stressor - its on par to losing a job or losing a love one. Stress can lead to temporary and long term underlying disorders like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. Depression is a queer disease (no not queer as in gay, queer as in odd). While for most people it is expressed in sadness, for some it is expressed in fixating on escapism - such as playing video games all the time, such as running off to social gatherings. This escapism is one way to deal with the sadness - play the sad away, socialize the sad away - drink the sad away - whatever.

This whole job thing... If you all are moving pretty far from time to time, why bother with getting a real job and settling in for the long haul, not if we are going to be potentially moving to a new state, or so far away that the commute to my job kills me.

This modern age defies how human evolved. Until the last century the typical person went no further than 20 miles from the place they were born, many actually died in the same house they were born in. While humans did migrate over the whole planet, it was strung out over a very long time. Thus the 'normal' state of affairs for a human is to settle, to be in one place - not up and moving all the time.

He may be anxious or depressed or both. If there remains doubt about the stability of 'our home' it is bound to work a number on him and affect every aspect of his life. And that applies to you as well.

It is very possible he has a low grade depression going on, thus can't place his finger on exactly why he doesn't want to get a job if depression or anxiety is the underlying cause.

of course this is him now. I have no Idea what he was like before the uprootings and moving about all the time.

You say he is bright, and is an overachiever - it is possible he has a touch of the Aspergers or similar underlying disorder.

Basically what I am saying is there may be much more to this than his being unwilling to be this person you want him to be. It is possible that there is a real underlying medical condition that needs to be addressed here, be it depression, be it anxiety or Aspergers.

[KawaiiKitty]

This might be a crazy/stupid idea, but what is his level of education? It sounds like he kind of craves learning new things yet after he learns them he gets bored easily. If he tries to advance himself in the job that he has gotten that shows that he wants to learn and do more at least. He just sounds really bored and I can relate to that. Going to work for the next 30-40 years doing the same thing over and over doesnt sound appealing.

But back to my idea, what level of education does he have? Might going back to school(college) interest him? If he is as smart as you say getting his degree should be a breeze. And if he has a four year degree maybe he might pursue a masters or a doctorate eventually? That would allow him to apply for and get higher paying and more interesting jobs in the future. If he is willing to put in the effort to go back to school it could be a big pay off in the end. He could pursue a course that interests him and maybe something that he wont tire from so easily.

[westCoastXplant]

You two have been together for 4 years, in that time you have moved to 4 different cities - that averages out to a move every year.... ? Doesn't that seem a bit excessive?

Hmm, answering this is not so simple. Bear with me while I try to expand on the back story a bit.

We met in London (UK). We were working for the same company (both of us are American). We both came out of relationships which had recently broken down. His previous partner was abusing him physically.

Not long after we became serious about the relationship with each other, we decided to relocate back to the U.S. The company had recently opened a satellite office in New Orleans, Louisiana. Since I could do my job from anywhere (web developer), I asked to have my position transferred so that we would at least be stepping back into the States with one of us working. This was early 2009. The economy and job situation in the States was crap and I had been overseas for over a decade. So I wasn't keen on returning to the U.S. cold turkey with no job. They granted my transfer and my partner resigned his position.

We arrived in New Orleans and got settled. He wasn't working at first but after about 6 months he found a good job at a software company startup. Sadly, a few months later, my company filed for bankruptcy in both the UK and U.S. So I found myself without a job in an area of the country where jobs for my occupation were scarce. I got by on some freelance work, but it wasn't enough. This put a ton of pressure on our relationship as he was supporting us both. He developed a form of chronic fatigue and collapsed a couple of times at work. His doctor treated him with B12 shots and that seemed to help, as they really couldn't find anything physically wrong with him. After several months of searching for permanent work, I expanded my job search to other states.

I was offered a job in Miami working for a well known company with a good salary. We agreed I should go ahead and relocate and then he would possibly follow after awhile. To be honest, all the pressure on our relationship at the time really took it's toll. We agreed to separate until we were able to financially stabilize again. I relocated to Miami. After about 3 months, he quit his position in NOLA and moved down with me.

I stayed with my new position for 10 months. All the while, he was unable to find work for reasons I explained in the first post above. We had discussed starting our own business and combining our skill sets. We set everything up and secure our first big client. I then quit my job and we took the plunge. Things went well at first and he was marketing up a storm while I handled the client work. After awhile, things died down a bit and over the course of several months, he began to lose interest. After his couple of job opportunities which ended in failure as described above in the first post. He discussed with me the possibility of relocating to the west coast. He thought since he is from Los Angeles originally and had many contacts from there, that it would be easier for him to get on track with either some type of job or client leads with which to expand our business. I agreed we should consider this move if he really felt as though it would help.

We sold off most of our stuff and drove across the country, moving to San Diego. I have to say this has probably been the best move so far. We settled in fairly quickly and really love this city. Not to mention the weather, which is arguably the best in the country. Though the promise of job opportunities has not born any fruit, aside form 2 attempts by him as explain above the first post (lands the job, over-achieves, quits the job in weeks).

So that explains in more detail the 4 city thing.

Moving is a huge stressor - its on par to losing a job or losing a love one. Stress can lead to temporary and long term underlying disorders like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. Depression is a queer disease (no not queer as in gay, queer as in odd). While for most people it is expressed in sadness, for some it is expressed in fixating on escapism - such as playing video games all the time, such as running off to social gatherings. This escapism is one way to deal with the sadness - play the sad away, socialize the sad away - drink the sad away - whatever.

Yes, good point and I believe there are still unresolved issues for him regarding his past with his previous abusive relationship, a short term of homelessness he experienced and some stuff about his family past that he has never gone into detail about with me.

He may be anxious or depressed or both. If there remains doubt about the stability of 'our home' it is bound to work a number on him and affect every aspect of his life. And that applies to you as well.

Yes agreed. Although I tend to be stronger in general and less affected by life altering changes like relocation, loss of a relationship etc. It has happened a few times in my life and while it was bad, I grew from the experience and moved on.

It is very possible he has a low grade depression going on, thus can't place his finger on exactly why he doesn't want to get a job if depression or anxiety is the underlying cause.

I think the chronic fatigue was the physical manifestation of that depression. His body reacted to that stress by shutting down.

You say he is bright, and is an overachiever - it is possible he has a touch of the Aspergers or similar underlying disorder.

I am not qualified to make that assumption, though I do not think either of those fit in this case.

He seems genuinely upset when I stress over the financial situation, but I just wish he would take a more proactive stance on resolving this, whether it be with finding work or seeing a therapist to begin some type of recovery.

HOWEVER: Since I posted this, he has made an effort and secured some freelance work which I hope may just bring us back to financial equilibrium. It may not fix any of the deeper issues, but at least it will be one less source of stress on us both.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Wow - he does have a lot on his plate. I'm surprised you all are not waking up to his panicked screams in the middle of the night. - no seriously.

Did he seek resolution with that abusive situation or has he ignored the aftermath and kept doing things to ignore the guilt, sadness, angst, anger, loss of power and all of the other things that comes with being abused?

Abusive situations and Torture are exactly the same thing and lead to depression issues, anxiety issues and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have PTSD from past abuses - and the screaming and other interesting stuff didn't actually kick in until years after the abuse.

However unwillingness to function, being exhausted all the time (physically too), and other things did take a hold of my life prior to the waking up at 2 am from the screaming. It mucked with my job life, my love life, well every aspect of my life.

He is intelligent too, which no doubt means he most likely is thinking about a lot of stuff in that head of his. I play computer games (video games) to escape my own mind. Getting caught up in stupid games for hours stops the 'thinking'. He may be using video games in a similar fashion.

I know money is tight, however in California most counties have 'free' to sliding scale psychological and psychiatric services. Included in there is couples therapy (yes even for Gays).


If he is unwilling to go to a psychologist (Therapist, not one with an MD who will throw pills at him, he needs talking, not drugging) on an individual basis, then try to get him to go to couples counseling. The Therapist will insist on sessions with each of you alone (individually) and both of you together.


Are you two married or Domestic Partners? I know for certain in California it is a legal paper signing thing to get rights under the Domestic Partnership Laws. My ex and I were Domestic Partners for a few years, and when he had the job at DHL his company covered my insurance in the same what straight married couples got insurance. I don't know if that will help you two or not.

I honestly do not think your partner is purposefully slacking here. From everything you said it sounds like he is suffering on the inside. He may not be showing it, and he may not even be fully aware of it. Emotions are difficult things to process, and I know for certain that victims of abuse have a lot of complex, hidden emotions about the abuse. Too many years in group and individual therapy rooms.

Shame and guilt prevent many of us from talking about it for years. An honest desire to move on drives us to lying about what happened - not necessarily to everyone else, but to ourselves. And I fear that the consequences end up mucking up every aspect of our lives, from out own personal 'happiness' to the relationships we have, to our jobs.

Since he is not talking to you about some stuff, then its most likely a serious case of his not having dealt with 'stuff' from the past.

If that childhood stuff was abuse (which I think it may be since he was in an adult abusive relationship), it can be much more difficult to work out than the adult abuse.

This getting a job thing isn't fixing the underlying problems. You know that. I think you know that.

Ultimately you can't force him to seek help - you can try to lead him the best you can, but he has to be willing and able to bridge the rest of the gap.

[westCoastXplant]

Wow - he does have a lot on his plate. I'm surprised you all are not waking up to his panicked screams in the middle of the night. - no seriously.

Actually, not long after we first got together he used to do that. A couple of times I found him in the bathtub trying to drown himself. This was usually after quite allot of alcohol though.

Did he seek resolution with that abusive situation or has he ignored the aftermath and kept doing things to ignore the guilt, sadness, angst, anger, loss of power and all of the other things that comes with being abused?

Yes, he has done things ever since to not address and avoid it and repress it. He almost never speaks of the abuse and when he does, he offers little detail.

Abusive situations and Torture are exactly the same thing and lead to depression issues, anxiety issues and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have PTSD from past abuses - and the screaming and other interesting stuff didn't actually kick in until years after the abuse.

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure that. It seems you have come out of it stronger. Judging by your well thought out and intelligent responses, you are also an intelligent and caring person.

He is intelligent too, which no doubt means he most likely is thinking about a lot of stuff in that head of his. I play computer games (video games) to escape my own mind. Getting caught up in stupid games for hours stops the 'thinking'. He may be using video games in a similar fashion.

Yes exactly. He does all those things. He cannot sit in a quiet room. He will go mad if he does not play music at all times. Many times even while going to sleep.

I know money is tight, however in California most counties have 'free' to sliding scale psychological and psychiatric services. Included in there is couples therapy (yes even for Gays).

Cool. I have contacted the local LGBT Community Center to see what they can recommend.

If he is unwilling to go to a psychologist (Therapist, not one with an MD who will throw pills at him, he needs talking, not drugging) on an individual basis, then try to get him to go to couples counseling. The Therapist will insist on sessions with each of you alone (individually) and both of you together.

We have now discussed this. He is fine with seeing a therapist and was even open to the couples thing.

Are you two married or Domestic Partners? I know for certain in California it is a legal paper signing thing to get rights under the Domestic Partnership Laws. My ex and I were Domestic Partners for a few years, and when he had the job at DHL his company covered my insurance in the same what straight married couples got insurance. I don't know if that will help you two or not.

Not married or domestic partners. There could be wedding bells in the future, but the two of us don't feel ready yet.

If that childhood stuff was abuse (which I think it may be since he was in an adult abusive relationship), it can be much more difficult to work out than the adult abuse.

He has mentioned through tears a couple of times that there was some abuse (not sure if physical) and some neglect on both his parents part. He also emancipated himself at 15, so not sure if that has any relation.

Again, a huge thanks for your help and advice on this. We are sure to start some type of therapy soon.

[pellaz]

some times two can live as cheaply as one. If that can happen what difference does it matter?

[Joshular]

Kick his ass of the sofa and make him clean the mother fucken house!!!

[Joshular]

ORRRRR drop it on it's head and dump it. Aint go no time for lazy son's of btiches in our lives! Until it can do some chores around the house TAKE AWAY TEH VIDEO GAMES AND CONTROLERS (This will piss him off and he will probably get moody I know I get moody when my video games get taken off me) u.u bitch needs to learn it's place or leave!