When to forgive...

[snowflaque]

Last week I was told by my boyfriend of 21 months that he cheated on me and I'm at a loss of what to do (just oral, so he says). He use to pride himself on never have cheated before so I didn't expect it. I know you're not suppose to blame myself but I do to an extent. Our sex sucks and I'm the one that's always saying no. I'm not sure why I do this, I've had a lot of experience while he's had very little. I haven't been able to bottom this year, medical reasons, and he's been using that against me to not bottom as well somehow. I've tried to find common ground on open relationship, which he wants, I really don't but we disagree on what that entails, then he's quick to change his mind. Honestly I think he has bi-polar but in denial, but I'm no doctor. I just don't know what to do. The past month has been horrible fighting, not getting along. I guess I should have seen some signals. I feel like I'm always trying while he's quick to stop shutdown, ignore things when I want to talk.

But he's still here, was very apologetic, and he did tell me about it the next day He was drunk, very drunk and prolly doesn't remember most of it, he left after a fight. Even felt obligated to text me he was at the gay bar which we never frequent. I know he loves me and wants to work it out, and I feel almost obligated to. I don't have the best rep and have made mistakes in my past, just never been on the opposite side of the spectrum till now. ..Advice anyone?

[LateBloomer]

That's a tough one.

You know, when I started dating my partner, I told him I have two rules:

1) No violence.
2) No cheating.

Plain and simple. Any violence or cheating and I'm out.

Truth be told, talk is cheap, and I just thank God those rules haven't been tested.

All that said...

You both seem to be using sex as a "bargain chip" (???) You're withholding it for some reason that's not perfectly clear (to me at least). And he is punishing you by holding out.

This isn't fair or healthy. Of course everything solution seems to start with having "The Talk". You guys need to agree on some rules. The open relationship idea, to me, seems like it would just COMPLICATE things, but again, that's just me. I think you guys need to talk about what the relationship means to each of you and maybe even discuss the possibility of taking a break from each other. If you separate from each other and THEN date other people that might help you appreciate each other more,....OR....one of you just might decide the grass truly IS greener outside and decide the entirely end the relationship.

I really have no idea. I'm just thinking out loud. But I sympathize and I hope it gets better for you both.

Good luck.

[Pix]

Unless he's willing to talk and keep lines of communication open and/or you're willing to do the kinds of sex he wants then the question isn't if he'll cheat again but when. (And that may still be true regardless even if these details change...)

And speaking from experience, sometimes it's best to just break it off fast (and not accept anything more to do with the person) then drag yourselves both through hell...a fast, clean break hurts like hell, but it can be far better than the alternative with lasting scars and a mix of love & hate born of hurting & betraying each other over & over again that haunts the dreams and memories of one or both (and when even one feels that way they often find a way to make sure the other does as well) for years to come.

[matty7]

I cant say it better than latebloomer - as I read through your post I change how I would post but then got to him telling you about it....weve all done dumb and stupid things in our lives im sure - now to forgive him is up to you/or not - you say you made mistakes in your past ...is that similar to your bf ?? if you were forgiven and u did regret the act then treat him the same way - we can only give opinions - its your life m8, if you see him in it forever then its worth working on..

[MisterTinkles]

Three things I do not tolerate at all:

Lying
Cheating
Stealing

I also work with the premise "Three Strikes, Youre OUT".
And I have lived by this since I was in my 20's, and it has served me well.

Whether you forgive and work around this or not, is up to you. But you MUST lay down ground rules and stick by them no matter what. Write them on paper and stick them to the fridge.


There is NO excuse for cheating, drunk, drugged up, or "talked" into it. You still have the brains to know better than to say yes to anything like that.

[jimcrackcorn]

Forgive him & stop arguing....The next time you feel the urge to argue with him - go give him a hug instead. If your boyfriend still wants to argue,,, just smile and tell him you love him and don't want to argue with him.

Your relationship will go down hill fast unless you can turn it around. First off - the arguing has to stop!!...

Second, if you are continually telling your boyfriend you don't want to have sex ,,, he will think you don't find him sexually attractive anymore, or worse - that you don't love him. This situation will only harm your relationship, so start up that sex machine again!!!

All relationships take work, and it takes time to fix what has been broken. So be patient. Keep hugging him, kissing him, and saying nice things to him. Eventually it will sink in that you still love him.

Best of luck

[pellaz]

sounds like your still mad at him
be careful what you say, put it away for a day or 2 and see how you feel then

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I made the mistake of forgiving a cheater once, he ended up turning around and having sex with 120+ other men.

I say dump his happy ass - plenty of fish in the sea... Of course the sea is dead around me, but you are young, good looking and have lots of time to find a decent fella that won't accidentally fall on a dick, or have his dick accidentally go into another person.

I have two rules:

No violence
No Cheating

I should have stuck with my rules in the last relationship. Shame on me for breaking my own vows...

[gilhooly]

Being gay is based on good hormones and a commitment to lust after men. With that in mind, I started being gay at 10 in 1956. If I didn't learn to be forgiving, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.

Guys always fuck up. If you haven't fucked up and sinned, eventually you will. Start practicing to be a grown up. Forgive your guy. It feels great and it always made me horny. I would look at a guy and tell him he better treat me special if he wanted to keep his teeth.

I like forgiveness, charity, hope and all good feelings. Your friend barely sinned.

Forgive him and take him to bed. Get all sweaty and remember what great gay sex feels like.
Men forgive each other. Men must love each other. Civilization requires it!!!!!

Don't be afraid to be angry and tell him how angry you are. Anger is a great emotion. Guys have fun making up with each other after a fight.

[Jake]

Dear Gilhooly I don’t know in what fantasy world you come from but just in case you didn’t notice this is the 21st century. And let me explain my point on that using your own comments.

Being gay is based on good hormones and a commitment to lust after men. With that in mind, I started being gay at 10 in 1956. If I didn't learn to be forgiving, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.

WRONG so so so WRONG I find that totally sad that someone still think like that today. Being Gay, although is natural and you are born like it… has nothing to do with having good hormones. Since you like Wikipedia so much I’ll give you a definition of hormones from your favorite reference media (don’t worry I checked it against my husband’s medical books – yeah he’s a surgeon, hence a doctor.

A hormone is a chemical released by a cell, a gland, or an organ in one part of the body that affects cells in other parts of the organism. Generally, only a small amount of hormone is required to alter cell metabolism. In essence, it is a chemical messenger that transports a signal from one cell to another. All multicellular organisms produce hormones; plant hormones are also called phytohormones. Hormones in animals are often transported in the blood. Cells respond to a hormone when they express a specific receptor for that hormone. The hormone binds to the receptor protein, resulting in the activation of a signal transduction mechanism that ultimately leads to cell type-specific responses.
Endocrine hormone molecules are secreted (released) directly into the bloodstream, typically into fenestrated capillaries. Hormones with paracrine function diffuse through the interstitial spaces to nearby target tissues.
A variety of exogenous chemical compounds, both natural and synthetic, have hormone-like effects on both humans and wildlife. Their interference with the synthesis, secretion, transport, binding, action, or elimination of natural hormones in the body can change the homeostasis, reproduction, development, and/or behavior, just as endogenously produced hormones do.

So now we have the rough definition of hormones and we kind of know what they actually do in your body but what happens when something goes bad hormonally speaking?

1. Not enough neurotransmitters? You can’t stimulate the hypothalamus.
2. Hypothalamic suppression can occur; stress and inflammation are two of the most common causes for low hormone levels.
3. The gland itself (e.g. the thyroid or testes) may be unable to produce hormone(s) required. Often, though, we assume that the gland itself is the problem when in fact it may be higher up the chain.
4. Too much or too little binding protein can also cause problems. This is also very common.
5. The gastrointestinal detoxification system (liver, gall bladder, intestine) can be dysfunctional. This means hormones aren’t properly detoxified and excreted.
6. The conversion process can be faulty.
7. If the hormone doesn’t bind properly to the cellular receptor site (perhaps because the receptor is not working adequately) or can’t do its job once it gets into the cell, this can inhibit the hormone even though it may have reached its destination.

So being gay is a hormonal thing? And being gay automatically means that you have good hormones? The symptom I state above goes for all men and women and it doesn’t take account of your sexual orientation. So please lay off the misinformation.

Guys always fuck up. If you haven't fucked up and sinned, eventually you will. Start practicing to be a grown up. Forgive your guy. It feels great and it always made me horny. I would look at a guy and tell him he better treat me special if he wanted to keep his teeth.

First guys do not always fuck up… now by saying such things you’re just giving reason to radical feminist who have been saying that for the last century. We may be oblivious sometimes but it’s not always fuck up.

What’s the difference between fucking up and sin? To me who is a non-believer and a non-follower (a holy sheep) the word SIN or SINNER has no weight in my life, I may fuck up sometimes (not always) but I NEVER sin because I don’t believe in the sin technocracy instated by the holy craptolic/ortoduck church, synagogue, mosque of whatever. Honestly don’t you believe to be a little of a sinner and hypocrite yourself- if you are using the word sin knowing that you’re among the biggest sinner according to the “good” book and well, you should have been killed a long time ago.

I like forgiveness, charity, hope and all good feelings. Your friend barely sinned.

What do you consider a sin?… since I do take in consideration that you are a huge sinner for being gay… it’s against’ s your god and yep it is written in the “good” book. Forgiveness? YES… Forget?? NO sorry you may forgive and never forget and that’s that part that will always come haunt you back… Don’t pretend to be a super human sir… I am sure there’s something you may never forgive.

Forgive him and take him to bed. Get all sweaty and remember what great gay sex feels like.Men forgive each other. Men must love each other. Civilization requires it!!!!!

And in his case he didn’t need a sugar-coating advice such as hey guys go suck your cock and all will be forgiven and forgot… SEX doesn’t fix everything and I believe that you would know that at your age.

Men must love each other

But they DON’T, deal with it… flower power was in the 70… it’s Xbox, Wii, and 3d PC game powers now… get on date with your century sir.

Don't be afraid to be angry and tell him how angry you are. Anger is a great emotion. Guys have fun making up with each other after a fight.

Hey boys! Get the ax and shop each other’s harms… and don’t be afraid to be angry because being angry is good, ask Charles Manson? Guys do not always have fun making up sir… sometimes it really doesn’t end well… sometimes guys end up burying each other. And although you believe that being angry is good… depending of the person you are angry with it may not be that good… it creates anxiety and stress and thus making it more difficult to forget and forgive.

Sir the reason why I replied to you in such way is because the way you have replied here is highly stereotypical and it does not reflect reality… although I understand you may be in relationship with a guy at the moment… the gay movement have fought several years to remove such pejorative thoughts about guys. Reading you post almost make me feel like I was back in 50 before Jesus-Christ in Ancient Rome… guys are not always playing with each other, relationship isn’t about sex and FIRST AND FOREMOST SIR YOU DO NOT START BEING GAY.

Being Gay isn’t a car, you don’t step in turn the key and YAY I’m gay. And really in another post I’ve read that you were fucking 10 years old in the ass when you were 10… REALLY… so it’s clear that at 10 you knew everything about cleaning or were you just shitting on each other’s dicks. And how many millimiter of sperm did you guys share at 10… yes I know some are very early.. but that’s a very rare phenomenon.