Now what?

[Geminize]

I don't know if I need to rant or just hear my own thoughts...

Most Sundays I go out playing music with friends. Usually informal, we play for free drinks and that's enough. Doug and I do most of the singing. He has his songs and I have mine, and we back each other up on the choruses and with instruments. We've been playing together like this for almost a year.

When we're singing, we tend to stare at each other. And I mean really stare deeply into each other's eyes. I make eye contact with other people, but he and I always just lock for a while. I have to consciously break away.

So he's married, has a young kid, and he's 20 years younger than me. Tonight I learned he and his wife are splitting, heading for divorce. She is a sweetheart, and there's no way I would want to come between them, but now..? I also don't want to catch him on the rebound, they're not even divorced yet.

Of course, this is all just fantasy since Doug has given no indication that he is interested other than the eye contact when we sing. We went out for one more drink after playing tonight, but a woman came along who is definitely interested in me, so I didn't get a chance to talk with him.

One of the other guys in the group is 10 years older than me and ready to shake up his own sexuality. He knows that I'm bi and had my first fling with a guy last winter after my own divorce. He has dropped a few hints. He's a friend, but I'm not at all attracted to him.

I don't know where this post is going. I'm just a bit frustrated and confused, and wish my life was a little more simple at the moment.

[LateBloomer]

Ok, so admit it. You're playing the field.

There's no shame in that, unless you give one person in particular the impression they are the One and Only and then it becomes a dirty little game.

And it seems to me you don't want to catch the younger guy on a rebound--unless it's with you--correct?

Again, there's no shame in rebounds as long everyone is honest with each other.

As for the younger guy's divorce: he may desire a rebound to celebrate his new freedom. Or he may need to just be alone for a little while. Hard to say. But if you really "long" for him, hooking up on a rebound might just queer the whole deal, so to speak. Not sure.

Just giving you a little food for thought.
Good luck.

[Undreamt]

No such thing as simple heh.

I'd leave Doug alone for the time being at least until he sorts out his own things.

Sounds like you haven't been out for very long either, as long as your safe whats the worst that could happen with the other guy? Even if your not that into him, could gaining more experience for yourself, help you clarify whats going on in your own head?

[Ryocchi]

Don't do anything you're not entirely sure of, you're right at not doing anything for now with Doug, he's going through a hell of a time, you could be there for him as a friend but don't get yourself too involved also, maybe it would be right to hang out with other people, broad your social circle, it will help you feel less frustrated.

[pellaz]

Be very careful.:
-all of you are vulnerable being through so much trauma.
-there is significant age differences between all of this, seems possible no one is on the same page.

[Geminize]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the thoughts.

Playing the field, Bloomer? Damn right I am! But I'm not a player. If things progress beyond dating with one, I'll stop dating anyone one else. I have 3 women who I know are interested in me, my ex-bf who wants to hang out as friends, and the guys I mentioned in my post above. (It's nice to have options.)

I'm not going to pursue anything with Doug. We'll keep playing music together and going out for drinks. If he wants anything else once the dust settles from his divorce, I'll leave that up to him. Like I said, I have no idea if he is interested or bisexual at all.

There's a free dance class coming up soon (east coast swing) that could be a great first date, safe and comfortable with the potential for more. Dancing is, after all, just ritualized foreplay set to music. The woman I find most attractive lives very close to the dance hall, so you never know where that might lead.

[HomeagainNYC]

When one is sharing something as intimate a music there is always that deeper connection in the moment. However, a seasonal professional as yourself knows that.

Soooooo - the question is how do you play it? Is it the professional moment or is it more?

I'd bet my last dollar you know exactly - what it is. How you decide to handle it is uniquely yours and yours alone. Perhaps it's just another charm on your proverbial charm bracelet - perhaps the love of your life, or just a trinket.

By you own admission you are playing the field, but you state you are not a player. At some point you become a player, if you play the field, it's the natural order of the universe.

What ever you decide - I hope it brings you joy.

[Geminize]

By you own admission you are playing the field, but you state you are not a player. At some point you become a player, if you play the field, it's the natural order of the universe.

What ever you decide - I hope it brings you joy.

Thanks, man. Maybe we have different definitions. By playing the field I simply mean I am open to dating more than one person at a time. If it goes beyond casual dating with anyone, then I'll get exclusive. Joy sounds good, but not at someone else's expense.