Should I come out to my wife and kids?

[sillyboy86]

Welcome to GS.
It's a difficult situation, I hope you can find some help here.

Are you sure that you're gay?
Were you in love with your wife when you married her?
Do you still love her?
I don't know If you need to take your time, but honestly I think that your sexuality, for your children won't be a problem. The kids will accept easily, they don't have many prejudices, and first you remains The Dad. If you're a lovely dad.

The real problem is your wife, if you told everything to her she will suffer a lot, but... She will do the same in the future, and you too, maybe more, maybe the time can feed the doubt and pain.
Does not necessarily destroy your life, accept reality is most important.

No one can force you to come out, I think you need to take your time, be sure that you're gay, or bisexual, or anything else. You must be sure of the answers to your questions about yourself, and then talk with her.
The difficulties to be faced will be much lighter weight of the doubt and lies, and you and your wife may still be strong, for the sake of your children.

I wish you the best.

[Counselor]

It's really hard for me to imagine holding back your inner gay and sticking with a woman you'll never be truly attracted to for so long. How does sex work? Is it enjoyable or do you just pretend to enjoy it for her sake?

This is a quagmire of issues you bring up, and this is not the thread for it.

[MisterLove]

I admire your courage and your integrity but if I were you, I wouldn't say anything. Your sexual orientation is nobody's business but your own. Just because you're married and have a family, doesn't mean you're not allowed to have a private life. And, of course, you risk hurting your wife and kids.

[pellaz]

It's really hard for me to imagine holding back your inner gay ...

-his gay is likely different than yours, we are all different
-he got her pregnant not just once but twice
-there was attraction, he proposed, they had a wedding night, eyes wide open
-tho human condition flawed; he took an oath in front of family, friends, and the future generation.
-if he leaves he has child support. If you have to pay for it, might as well stick around and see it the money well spent.



Counselor "This is a quagmire of issues you bring up, and this is not the thread for it. "
-maybe a quagmire but its the OP's life right now and one that i lived through too

[LateBloomer]

Oh, and for the record, Zeus, don't be afraid of not being able to find a relationship with a man when and if you do come out. I've heard lots of gay men say that it's "over" for them at 40 and that they won't be able to find someone or attract a guy, but I don't buy that. Men in their 40s and 50s are attractive as hell, and to some of us younger ones as well. There seems to be this preconception that men who come out in their later life are doomed to be single, but, like I said, I don't buy it. I wish you the best.

Truth.

I partially came out at age 31. But I didn't have a gay relationship until age 44 (with a guy 10 years younger)--and that's when I totally came out to friends and family.

But I will admit, dating in your 40s is not the easiest--and that is true gay or straight.

[Zeus]

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer some of your questions… I do love my wife as my best friend, a wonderful person and a great mom to our kids. Our sex life has dwindled to about once every 2 or 3 months. The funny thing is that I'm still the one initiating sex when we do have it. It usually ends well for both of us, but the fantasies in my mind during sex are always of men. I think the reason she's lost interest is she senses there's something forced about it.

I think our relationship is generally good for a couple that's been married 15 years and together 5 years before the wedding. The big rift in the marriage is that she can see I'm often distant and detached and not fully engaged in life. She feels I'm just going through the motions in life and she's right. It's hard for me to really feel joy or get excited about anything with this deep secret I spend so much effort hiding. She chalks it up to work stress, but I feel after all these years, part of her knows the truth and she's decided not to go there for the sake of the marriage and the kids. We've never had a discussion about whether I'm gay. I've just started seeing a therapist, who is the only person I've told about my sexuality.

Our family is liberal and not religious and we have had some openly gay friends. The kids are 7 and 11 year old girls. I don't think they'd have a problem with daddy being gay as much as the likelihood that we'd no longer all live as a family in the same house, which would be devastating. Another piece of the puzzle is that my wife and I both suspect our older daughter may be gay. If she is, I feel it's even more important for me to be true to myself as an example for her.

When I first came out to myself about a month ago, I was excited about the possibility of dropping the weight I carry around every minute of every day and of developing the kind of deep relationships you can only have when you are your authentic self. I was also excited about the possibility of experiencing a gay sexual relationship for the first time. That excitement lasted about a week and has been replaced with doubt and fear.

If I do come out, my biggest fear is I'll be trading one life of regret for a new one. That I'll have so many new reasons to feel depressed. I'd feel tremendous guilt for doing that to my wife and kids. Not to mention the possibility of becoming a lonely and isolated, getting into dating in my 40s and the risk of STDs.

I really admire those of you who were strong enough to come out a young age, especially those in the older generations. You've helped pave a path that will keep many others from ending up in my unhappy situation.

At this point, I'm leaning toward coming out because this life in the closet is so damn hard and I feel I can be a better dad, friend and person when I'm honest about who I am. My dream is that my wife would one day get over the shock and anger and we could build a new kind of friendship based on truth and trust. I know the reality may be that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Happy to hear any further comments based on the above. Thanks again.

[Dreamer]

Welcome to our family here at GS!



By the way,
everyone here has some great insight
on your situation, so far,
so take from it what you will!

It's funny because my brother is bisexual,
and he recently came out to me,
earlier this year...

He's married with two kids,
and has finally accepted his sexuality,
after a lifetime of trying to suppress it..

I can't imagine the fear,
and the "what-if's" he's going through,
being with how his kids are so young,
and his wife is blatantly homophobic.

So far,
I'm the only person he's come out to,
since I've been open
about my sexuality for over a decade,
and we've gotten very close over the last five years.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

It's about your happiness,
yet also,
that of your family's,
as well as their "innocence"
of not truly knowing...

very tricky.

[James]

Been married and divored twice, had kids and all, Pellaz pretty much said what I would have and I concur. The kids will come around quickly the wife may or may not, this is always a hard situation but not overcomeable. Your heart will know that to keep living a lie will not be good for anyone, James

[starbelly]

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer some of your questions… I do love my wife as my best friend, a wonderful person and a great mom to our kids. Our sex life has dwindled to about once every 2 or 3 months. The funny thing is that I'm still the one initiating sex when we do have it. It usually ends well for both of us, but the fantasies in my mind during sex are always of men. I think the reason she's lost interest is she senses there's something forced about it.

I think our relationship is generally good for a couple that's been married 15 years and together 5 years before the wedding. The big rift in the marriage is that she can see I'm often distant and detached and not fully engaged in life. She feels I'm just going through the motions in life and she's right. It's hard for me to really feel joy or get excited about anything with this deep secret I spend so much effort hiding. She chalks it up to work stress, but I feel after all these years, part of her knows the truth and she's decided not to go there for the sake of the marriage and the kids. We've never had a discussion about whether I'm gay. I've just started seeing a therapist, who is the only person I've told about my sexuality.

Our family is liberal and not religious and we have had some openly gay friends. The kids are 7 and 11 year old girls. I don't think they'd have a problem with daddy being gay as much as the likelihood that we'd no longer all live as a family in the same house, which would be devastating. Another piece of the puzzle is that my wife and I both suspect our older daughter may be gay. If she is, I feel it's even more important for me to be true to myself as an example for her.

When I first came out to myself about a month ago, I was excited about the possibility of dropping the weight I carry around every minute of every day and of developing the kind of deep relationships you can only have when you are your authentic self. I was also excited about the possibility of experiencing a gay sexual relationship for the first time. That excitement lasted about a week and has been replaced with doubt and fear.

If I do come out, my biggest fear is I'll be trading one life of regret for a new one. That I'll have so many new reasons to feel depressed. I'd feel tremendous guilt for doing that to my wife and kids. Not to mention the possibility of becoming a lonely and isolated, getting into dating in my 40s and the risk of STDs.

I really admire those of you who were strong enough to come out a young age, especially those in the older generations. You've helped pave a path that will keep many others from ending up in my unhappy situation.

At this point, I'm leaning toward coming out because this life in the closet is so damn hard and I feel I can be a better dad, friend and person when I'm honest about who I am. My dream is that my wife would one day get over the shock and anger and we could build a new kind of friendship based on truth and trust. I know the reality may be that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Happy to hear any further comments based on the above. Thanks again.

Knowing all of that, I think it's probably a more opportune situation for you to come out. Your wife might be devastated at first, but if she has gay friends, there is a chance she suspects you could be gay but hasn't confronted you about it, especially with your infrequent sex life. It's possible.

Yes, it will split up your home, but you can still have a healthy relationship with her and the children on a friendship level, and she doesn't sound like the kind of person who would keep your kids away from you because you're gay (since you said she's not religious).

My parents divorced when I was nine and it was a shock at first but you get used to it. My brother and I mainly grew up with my dad, because my mother had a rocky marriage to another guy who I hated and who treated me like shit, so that kind of sucked. Other than that though, divorce is not the end of the world, and my parents are still friends to this day— we're still a "family" in a sense. Kids are adaptable, especially when they're younger. The older they get, the less likely they'll be willing or able to adapt to a situation, but they'll get over it, trust me.

I would think that you would be a better and happier parent to them if you weren't carrying that weight around with you, and your wife might be happier with a split for all you know. If she already notices your withdrawal and distance, it might not be so much of a shock to her. She'll move on, and you will too, and I think your family will be healthier for it, but that's just my opinion. Worse things can happen.

The fear of going from one bad situation to another is understandable, but you have to weigh the consequences with the current situation. Cause and effect. The reason you would be coming out is because you are unhappy with your current situation, and that marks a new beginning in a sense. Would it be better to stay in your current situation as your marriage inevitably deteriorates, or would it be better to tell the truth and start anew, whether there's risks or not? That's what you have to consider. Based on what you have said, I'd assume that your marriage is going to end in divorce regardless of whether or not you come out to her. Your wife will get tired of the situation as well, so if you don't end it, she probably will at some point.

Also, don't worry about dying destitute with STDs or whatever. That comes with irresponsibility. Just be safe and make good choices about who you sleep with and that won't happen.

All that said, I'm not exactly a relationship expert as I've never been in a relationship, but that's just my objective two cents. I did inadvertently come out though when I was seventeen, so I know what that's like. I just had to deal with my parents and brother, who fortunately were all very supportive of me. Your situation is a lot different, but coming out is still coming out.

[starbelly]

Also, about you suspecting your daughter could be gay, that's interesting because I almost feel like there's some weird genetic thing going on. My dad's sister is a lesbian and I've always wondered if there's a genetic connection in the family, although most science states otherwise. It seems possible to me though.