Need Help! Straight Wife - Gay Husband
11-16-2013, 03:15 PM
Hello - I am going to apologize in advance. I am a straight wife married to a gay man - though he says he is bisexual. We married when I was 20 and he was 22. From the beginning of our marriage, and even when we were dating, he hardly touched me. We had sex maybe 3 times the first year of our marriage. In total - our entire married life - 33 1/2 years maybe we had sex maybe 25 - 30 times. That being said, I discovered he was masturbating in the bathroom soon after we were married. I asked him what was the matter - was he gay - bi? I told him it didn't matter - I loved him more that words could say. His response was to slap me.
That was the beginning of a lonely horrible life with him. He emotionally and mentally abused me. I am a petite pretty woman - slender, fit and stylish. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't touch me. I kept asking - are you gay, bi - what is it? Never came clean - the questions only produced more fights than you could count. He undermined whatever self confidence I had in myself - however little there was to start out with.
In 1998, we bought our first computer. I came home from work - he is self employed and was home that day. He was on the computer the entire day and he offered to get our daughter from the bus stop. (One of the times we actually had sex - I was able to conceive). I went on the computer and somehow - not intentionally came across a random screen name. Upon investigation, I found all these AOL M4M chat rooms - gay porn - all this stuff.
When he came home, I confronted him. He finally said he was bisexual. He said that when he was about 19, he got high and had sex with a man and 2 women. He had taken LSD. After that he was fine, because he was high - he said he didn't know if it was a dream. Then he went to Florida with his friend before we started dating, and got a flash back. He said the entire sexual experience played in his head as if it were a movie. It flipped him out. He said he closed himself off sexually - to any pleasure - wouldn't drink, smoke pot - anything.
I felt so bad for him that he never told me. I told him that all those years were wasted. I would never betray or "out" him. I was his safe spot. So we created screen names and went into AOL chat rooms as a Bi - couple seeking bi-married man for play. We connected with 3 men, who we occasionally met with to have sex with. Had about 6 experiences - in 1.5 years. Then family responsibilities and life got in the way - and meeting men for occasional get togethers stopped.
Bear in mind - OUR sex life, together alone, outside of these experiences - NEVER picked up - Still 2-3 times a year. The worst part was that he had lied to me all those years - and tried to make me feel like it was MY fault he didn't touch me. He SWORE to me that he would NEVER lie again.
Fast forward to summer 2013, we are both overweight and out of shape - we both go on diets and are getting healthy again. I was in search of Bioidentical Hormones and came across a doctor who treats - mainly men - but women also - with Testosterone Injection Therapy. He started getting Testosterone therapy.
I had seen a change in him. Started taking his phone in the bathroom and taking it up on the night table when he came to bed. I get up very early - 4-5:00 am - and I had a little voice in my head say "Check his phone" so I took the phone downstairs and started looking through it.
I found the Grindr App and Sectos App. There were tons of secret photos he had taken of himself naked over the last few years. I also discovered that he had maintained an email account I never knew about and when I looked at his emails - they were all for Gay Porn, gay websites for finding men and Craigs List ads for massages. He woke up and found me on his phone. He had been using this email for years.
Well the truth finally came out. BUT HE STILL INSISTS HE IS BISEXUAL - NOT GAY. He admitted to wanting to have sex with men. His Grindr ad says "Masc Bi-Married Top" - he is into oral, JO, massages and body contact (what is that by the way) - and a Top if it comes to that. I am fine with all this - I have access to the phone, email - everything. No more lies and secrets. He will hook-up every few weeks. He says that he is looking for 1 married guy like him - but has been unsuccessful so far. He has been with 3-4 men so far. He lets me know who and where he is if he is hooking up. The men he has met do not know that I know. I love him and want him safe above all.
Since this happened - he "says" he wants sex with me. He is now "free" and "unblocked". I think he is just HORNY - from all the Testosterone he is getting - and the fact that I know and he doesn't have to hide anymore.
The downside to all of this is that it really has consumed our lives. He is always on this app every free minute. He says it is only a small part of him - but it obviously is much more.
My QUESTION is: He says he is Bi-sexual - I say Gay. Even if he was emotionally blocked all these years because of a sexual act that happened when he was 19, I was still a vessel a "hole" if you will - available lying next to him all those years.
He ABHORS the "gay lifestyle" - that is why he says he is Bisexual - because he can perform with a woman and he "hates" the gay lifestyle.
He sees himself growing old with a woman - not a man. But I still think he is Gay because I definitely was NOT his preference and if you are truly Bisexual - you are equally attracted to both sexes.
Please let me know what you think - any responses would be very much appreciated.
That was the beginning of a lonely horrible life with him. He emotionally and mentally abused me. I am a petite pretty woman - slender, fit and stylish. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't touch me. I kept asking - are you gay, bi - what is it? Never came clean - the questions only produced more fights than you could count. He undermined whatever self confidence I had in myself - however little there was to start out with.
In 1998, we bought our first computer. I came home from work - he is self employed and was home that day. He was on the computer the entire day and he offered to get our daughter from the bus stop. (One of the times we actually had sex - I was able to conceive). I went on the computer and somehow - not intentionally came across a random screen name. Upon investigation, I found all these AOL M4M chat rooms - gay porn - all this stuff.
When he came home, I confronted him. He finally said he was bisexual. He said that when he was about 19, he got high and had sex with a man and 2 women. He had taken LSD. After that he was fine, because he was high - he said he didn't know if it was a dream. Then he went to Florida with his friend before we started dating, and got a flash back. He said the entire sexual experience played in his head as if it were a movie. It flipped him out. He said he closed himself off sexually - to any pleasure - wouldn't drink, smoke pot - anything.
I felt so bad for him that he never told me. I told him that all those years were wasted. I would never betray or "out" him. I was his safe spot. So we created screen names and went into AOL chat rooms as a Bi - couple seeking bi-married man for play. We connected with 3 men, who we occasionally met with to have sex with. Had about 6 experiences - in 1.5 years. Then family responsibilities and life got in the way - and meeting men for occasional get togethers stopped.
Bear in mind - OUR sex life, together alone, outside of these experiences - NEVER picked up - Still 2-3 times a year. The worst part was that he had lied to me all those years - and tried to make me feel like it was MY fault he didn't touch me. He SWORE to me that he would NEVER lie again.
Fast forward to summer 2013, we are both overweight and out of shape - we both go on diets and are getting healthy again. I was in search of Bioidentical Hormones and came across a doctor who treats - mainly men - but women also - with Testosterone Injection Therapy. He started getting Testosterone therapy.
I had seen a change in him. Started taking his phone in the bathroom and taking it up on the night table when he came to bed. I get up very early - 4-5:00 am - and I had a little voice in my head say "Check his phone" so I took the phone downstairs and started looking through it.
I found the Grindr App and Sectos App. There were tons of secret photos he had taken of himself naked over the last few years. I also discovered that he had maintained an email account I never knew about and when I looked at his emails - they were all for Gay Porn, gay websites for finding men and Craigs List ads for massages. He woke up and found me on his phone. He had been using this email for years.
Well the truth finally came out. BUT HE STILL INSISTS HE IS BISEXUAL - NOT GAY. He admitted to wanting to have sex with men. His Grindr ad says "Masc Bi-Married Top" - he is into oral, JO, massages and body contact (what is that by the way) - and a Top if it comes to that. I am fine with all this - I have access to the phone, email - everything. No more lies and secrets. He will hook-up every few weeks. He says that he is looking for 1 married guy like him - but has been unsuccessful so far. He has been with 3-4 men so far. He lets me know who and where he is if he is hooking up. The men he has met do not know that I know. I love him and want him safe above all.
Since this happened - he "says" he wants sex with me. He is now "free" and "unblocked". I think he is just HORNY - from all the Testosterone he is getting - and the fact that I know and he doesn't have to hide anymore.
The downside to all of this is that it really has consumed our lives. He is always on this app every free minute. He says it is only a small part of him - but it obviously is much more.
My QUESTION is: He says he is Bi-sexual - I say Gay. Even if he was emotionally blocked all these years because of a sexual act that happened when he was 19, I was still a vessel a "hole" if you will - available lying next to him all those years.
He ABHORS the "gay lifestyle" - that is why he says he is Bisexual - because he can perform with a woman and he "hates" the gay lifestyle.
He sees himself growing old with a woman - not a man. But I still think he is Gay because I definitely was NOT his preference and if you are truly Bisexual - you are equally attracted to both sexes.
Please let me know what you think - any responses would be very much appreciated.
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