He still lives with his ex?

[wrightrupert19]

Hi guys,
I'm 22 and have dated before but never really had any meaningful relationship. A few weeks ago I met this guy at a bar, went back to his house and we have really hit it off. (He's 41, I've always been attracted to older men) We text constantly and I've stayed over at his several times, just spent the whole weekend with him and I think I may be falling in love for the first time BUT my problem is that he lives with his ex-boyfriend. He says they were going out for 4 years then broke up 3 years ago and never moved out, apart from a few one-night-stands I am the first person he has been with since then, I am the first person he has brought back to the house when the ex has been there. The ex hasn't been with anyone since they broke up but has gone on a date with a long-term crush since I started seeing this guy. I have met the ex in the house and have got on with him, he seems like a nice guy though with obvious emotional issues. I do believe that they are just platonic but for example the guy only invited me to spend the weekend with him because the ex wasn't going to be there, he asks the ex's permission before he asks me to stay over and then yesterday he was supposed to come see me off at the bus but stayed in the house instead because the ex's mother had gone into hospital and the ex and the ex's mother were coming to the house and he felt obliged to stay to play host to them. On Friday he met me in town as opposed to my coming out to his house straight away as the ex was still there at that stage. They are renting their house so they are choosing to stay living together, he says he would rather live with the ex as a friend than move in with a stranger. I have so little experience with relationships and think I am being blinded by the powerful emotions I am feeling for this man so would really appreciate an outsider's opinion on all this. Is this a situation I want to be getting involved in? I suppose really I need to talk to the guy himself about it.

[btmsup4u]

Be careful not to let your emotions guide you and over rule common sense. It could be that the ex has the upper hand in the relationship and perhaps that is why your guy seems to answer to him, even if they truly are no longer together. Perhaps the ex has the upper hand financially and pays the rent or something. Unfortunately it's never easy in the beginning and some people are professional bull crappers. That is to say while he may be sincere, you never know what the truth is and some people go to great lengths to ensure the truth stays hidden from others. I would take it easy. Just take it one day at a time, get to know him well, don't expect anything from he or the relationship and keep your feelings very guarded. Again, being that you even admit you have little experience in a relationship, believe it or not, some people prey on that when they know another has little experience or whatever. Sometimes we want something so bad we focus in on the things we want to see and try to either ignore or make excuses for the things we do not because we do not want to see them. I was guilty of this in my first relationship. I was very young, only a kid, and felt a lot of attachment towards the guy. But I was so naive and inexperienced. I found out after living with him for some time that he had another guy in his life and also had a wife and kids elsewhere and he kept that hidden from me. I made excuses for as long as I could about why we were spending less time together until I finally had to admit to myself my feelings for him weren't reciprocated.

When you know him better, if you see potential for the relationship to progress, I'd have a sincere talk with him and try to find out exactly what the situation is between he and his ex and where he stands on moving on to a new relationship in the future. DO NOT let him think you are in love with him or anything (even if you are) until you know exactly where you stand. Just point out what you have observed about his asking permission and such and that it appears they still have a relationship and that you would not want to intrude. It does sound as if it could be a complex situation. Please come back and report as to any advances in the situation, etc. I'd like to know what his situation is, too!

Because frankly... if there *is* still any sort of attachment between them or feelings or anything, and he ain't ready to move on or even if he is and the other guy has any sort of upper hand over him and he is dependent on him, it may be hard to break him away 100%. You may end up be the one who hurts because he'll still have the ex to fall back onto. I am not saying this is necessarily the truth, just use common sense and be careful is all before you get too deep into it. Good luck, keep me posted

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My ex is still living with me, and I ended the relationship on his cheating ass over a year ago.

Finances is one reason - he still ain't got a job. Another reason is a lot of the stuff is 'ours' - and I can't afford a new stove, refrigerator and other large appliances.

We were together over 14 years - its amazing just how much crap 'we' have together. Neither one of us can afford to move, neither one of can afford to refurnish a place. Its a matter of convenience. I hate his breathing, I hate him, I have often contemplated ways to kill him to get some peace....

However the logic of the situation keeps my passions in check.... barely.....

Two do live nearly as cheaply as one. There is good financial reasons for a couple to stay together even when the love has died.

It doesn't mean he is emotionally involved, nor having sex - its most likely a convenience, a financial thing.

As for asking the ex permission - If I was to date anyone, I would ask my ex - my roommate if he would mind. After all we share a house. Of course I demand the same respect in return. If I'm not asked, I'm likely to allow my passions get the best of me.

Double homicides rarely end well for the survivor.... ;-)

[mbennet35]

I am so sorry to hear that.

Remind me never to piss you off totally understand your feelings. Makes sense to stay living together it is so hard to live alone because of cost. I still can't afford to move out-of my parents house yet.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

It took 14.5 years to get me to the point where I consider murder as a viable solution to the problems that is my ex.

I don't lose my cool and want to kill just anyone - it takes a lot of time, a lot of betrayal of trust, a lot of lies, thefts, and petty selfish behaviors before I get that way.

So as long as you treat me half decently for at least 14 years, you don't have to sleep with one eye open... Year fifteen all bets are off :biggrin:

[Ryocchi]

Wow.

I...

Wow.

I'm half-amazed/half confused.

I simply wouldn't be able to see his face anymore, i very much would rather downscale my way of living than keep sharing an space with the same person who did all what I've read your ex did to you here and in other posts.

please don't take any offense on my words, just my personal point of view.