Brother troubles...

[Sil]

Hey there,

just to get things straight - I love my bro a lot, we've always had a pretty good relationship growing up despite the usual tiffs and arguments. At the minute though I'm actually worried about his future; aside from working in a call centre (which he does without complaint) he does nothing but absorb football results and terrible films from morning till night, camped out on the sofa with a laptop balanced on his belly for hours at a time. Reading football stats while watching football so he can kill enough time till another film comes on. He's 33 years old and has never dated, and to my knowledge has never had sex. I don't think this makes him a bad person, and hope it doesn't make me seem shallow, but I see a very lonely future for him at the current rate unless something changes. My parents agree too and we all worry about him but he just flies off the handle with even the slightest criticism; probably one of the most sensitive, irritable, pedantic people I know.

I don't mind people liking football, but it worries me that on a day off I can leave the house at around 10am and come back at 4pm and he hasn't moved. There's no interest in growing, moving on, or interacting with people and trying something new. Just absorbing numbers, facts and statistics to blot out the self-deprecation he pours on himself every day. I'd feel bad for him if he wasn't such an asshole when you try to talk to him about it. His room looks like an explosion at a laundry with some food packets and CDs thrown around for good measure, there's literally NO pride or self-esteem. He's not mean or a bad person, and I hate to use the word but he's kind of a loser.

I would love for him to surprise me, or make me proud. I would like to look up to him for advice and help rather than having to worry about him and support him. I feel like I'm the big brother despite the reversed ages. He has a lot of nervous tics like scratching his head, and struggles to get his words out; eating is purely functional, and at the dinner table it's 'shovel-and-go' without even a word of how your day was or how the food is.

I want to help him as he's getting older, his friends are getting married off, and I'd like to move in with my fiance but I'm worried what he'll be like when he's left entirely alone. Surrounded alone by junk food in front of the TV light till he's 40, just makes me wanna cry. I know I'm not perfect, I just needed to get it off my chest. Wondering how I can help break him out of this cycle...

thanks x

[Edward]

Your brother is an adult and I believe he knows what is he doing with his life. Maybe he doesn't want all the things that seems to be obvious for people his age - dating, having sex, etc. You can advise him things, but you cannot force him to change. Maybe this is how he wants to live.

[JimmyDalton]

I might not be the perfect person to give advice.

Is it possible for any member of family/friends to talk to him heart to heart about what's troubling him? People have problems, and he might need someone to talk to about his future, does he have trauma from previous experience or else. etc.

[SolemnBoy]

My brother is the same. I think you're a pretty sweet brother for being so concerned but I think lifestyle changes like that occur when the person in question finds the motivation to turn things over himself. If you try to change his behaviour he'll probably just become a lot more defensive, accuse you of trying to control his life and whatnot. I have a brother who's on the same road (albeit much younger) and I've realized that there's not really anything I can say or do about it that won't make him rage.

However, you shouldn't be affected by his decisions. I think you ought to move out with your partner - I know you're worried about him but you're both adults now, and have been for more than a decade: you shouldn't have to spend your life taking care of him. Good luck

[Dreamer]

We all make the beds we lie in.

If that's how he wants to live his life, there's not much you can do.

Some people are just complacent by nature,
and don't have standards that fit the "norm".

One day,
you'll move on with your life,
and he'll have to figure out what he wants to do with his.
If that's nothing,
then so be it.

He'll always be your brother.
All you can do is love him, and hope for the best.

Just don't make any expectations in your mind about what direction he will or should go in life.
It'll just waste time and energy you could be using for your own.

[pellaz]

dont let his behavior make you not be there in his life. And his in yours, he may out life you.

[matty7]

you nailed it on the head when you said "NO pride or self-esteem" he's watching all his friends get married and he seems stuck in a rut - one day merging into the next, also sound like comfort eating is a big part too - im not surprised he snaps when you offer help and advice as its the only natural response left to him, unless he actually want to change though, then its gonna be very difficult to help apart from be there for him, why not speak to his friends about this ? even if its just to get him out of the house and involved again....hope you can all get together in a mini intervention to snap him out of monotony even if its just for his health sake - good luck Sil ,,,very caring brother

[Vigilias]

I'm surprised that nobody has yet suggested what to me is so obvious!

From what you've told us, Sil, it sounds to me as though he may be suffering from Clinical Depression.

All the clues and indicators are there in the way you describe his behaviour, demeanour and general lack of interest in his surroundings - you mentioned the state of his room.

Have you noticed any slipping in his personal appearance or a lack of attention to personal hygiene? When you have a conversation with him is he generally un-animated? Expressionless, flat tone of voice?

If so, it could indicate clinical depression. His first step would be to admit to it, we have a terrible attitude to mental health in the UK! It doesn't make him crazy, or psychotically dangerous, he just feels miserable pretty much all of the time. It isn't simply a matter of pulling him self together, he'll need help.

Just to warn you, sometimes people who are depressed turn to alcohol or sedating drugs such as pain killers that contain Codeine and which can be bought over the counter at high street pharmacies. Perhaps he's even abusing such substances already - just going out on a limb with this one! Something to consider. It's just that the work I've done in the field of drug and substance abuse, as well as counselling, tells me that these things sometimes go together.

HIs next step will be a visit to his GP. Get some time off work and perhaps some of the newer Tricyclic Antidepressants (Prozac being one) that don't cause addiction. That being the case he will have to wait at least two weeks for the meds to even start working in order for him to feel better.

How are you going to approach the matter with him? What would be his reaction to "finding" a leaflet about depression?

It sounds like you have a supportive and close family - that will help.

Remember also that getting him to the help he may need may be like taking an unwilling horse to water. Get support for your self too and try not to feel that you need to take on responsibility for your brothers life.

It's a tough one and I wish you well.

Good luck!

[davearoo]

I absolutely agree with Vigilias: it's very likely that your brother has clinical depression. I suffered through it myself at one time. It has nothing to do with being sad; it's just mental hell.

Depression, of course, is a medical problem, so it's a shame that the word is more often used for "feeling down," which happens to everyone. I admit to being ignorant of how the UK health system treats depressed individuals, but it's essential that your brother gets the help he needs, one way or another.

Also, be patient with him on his treatment, because it can often take months or longer to fully recover.

[Vigilias]

I forgot to mention that a referral to a counsellor may be of benefit too.