Life-stage gaps - any advice?

[AllThatJazz]

Hi everyone and thank you for reading my first-ever post!

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months now. Things are going great, we're getting more and more comfortable with each other and even our friends are supportive of our relationship. We share many common interests and think very highly of each other.

However, recently I have been getting more and more concerned about the effects some of the things that set us apart may have on our relationship. Here's the rundown:

I'm 30, university graduate, about 4 years into a solid career path with promising (although sometimes ambiguous) prospects. I make enough money to support my lifestyle, I have various employer savings plans, I have quite a bit of money set aside and an upper-middle-class family to support me financially in case of need. My family plays an important role in my life that goes well beyond financial security: I speak to my parents several times a week (although probably not daily), I rely on them and on other family members for career advice, for social and emotional support, for administrative or logistic help when needed (e.g. when I had to move into a new apartment) etc. This is not to say that I don't get my fair share of anxiety, but all in all, I am fortunate to be placed in a very healthy environment.

He's 24, heading into the 2nd year of a very demanding 5-year university program. Even when he graduates he's still expected to go through a lengthy, low-paying internship before he can kickstart his career. He makes some money working at various student-type jobs, but it doesn't seem to be enough to cover tuition and the type of student-life he's interested in. He has no savings, and he has also accumulated some unexpected debt during his first year. He comes from an economically disadvantaged background, his parents are divorced and unspportive of him and of his lifestyle in general, and of his sexual preference in particular. In fact they were completely estranged for several years after he came out, during which he lived with his ex; he now lives with his mom but he's far from comfortable living there.

He has to deal with hardships I never had to face. I've always had my parents' advice and financial support (although money was rarely an issue for me), he doesn't and probably never will. He is very vulnerable financially, which projects immediately on his anxiety level and on his ability to focus on his studies, which is what really matters right now. He's desperate to move out of his mom's place but not sure he can afford to (if he does he'll be just barely making ends meet for a good 2-3 years onward). However, if I choose not to work, it'll probably take me five years at my current lifestyle before I'm as poor as he is. Of course, he is highly motivated and he tries his best to establish his independence (so this isn't a sugar-daddy thing), but it comes at a price. To top all that, he lives about an hour and a half away, which means I spend more time away from him thinking about this than I do holding him.

I'm scared of a relationship where my partner would be struggling to pay rent or put food on the table, who has nobody to take care of him when he's sick or a place to crawl back to when it feels like everything is falling apart - things which were never characteristic of my life. It would be much easier to date someone with a decent job and a supportive family; but life sent a beautiful prince-charming my way, who just happens to be poor with no family support.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation? Any advice?

Thanks a lot!

[Grant]

I've been on the other side of this relationship, and I can tell you that you need to tread lightly. If he's really as independent minded and smart as you say that he is, he's already noticed the socioeconomic differences between the two of you and he's already thinking about how to make a relationship based off of that.

You're going to have to strike a careful balance between helping him achieve his dreams and just throwing money at him. Even if it's needed he may find that offensive. It depends a lot on his personality, but there are tons of things that you'll never understand about his upbringing and his personal struggles. No offense, but go back and re-read your message you don't mean to be insulting but your message is full of not-so-subtle hints that you're very well off. Maybe that was you trying to be clear for us, but if you talk to him that way you're going to find him struggling to understand where you're coming from.

Being poor and then making something of yourself is so much different than making something of yourself when you had help. He's far more aware of your differences than you are.