My nemisis returned today...

[trialbyerror]

Hi all
I've been deciding all afternoon whether or not to post this.

I (obviously) decided to go ahead, as I have begun to make peace with a lot of shit in my past, just because for once, I've been able to let it out but, I suppose, it is after all, still anonomous.

My old demon, violence, came lurking again this afternoon.

The family went to some other kids birthday party, as you may know, gatherings are not my thing.

I went out to a small nearby resturaunt for Sunday lunch. They have a very nice 4 course buffet on offer.

The place was busy, but they kindly arranged a small table for me and I sat faceing the door as I usually do, minding my own p's & q's.

My moble device is a galaxy 10.1, and while waiting for mains to settle before pud, I logged in to GS, and posted for Tavi.

I was not aware that I was being, what must have been closely watched by someone just behind me and to my left, until I overheard someone say loudly, kinda extra loudly, "Kyk daar, daai ou moet n' moffie wees, dit se' gay speak op sy screen"

(Translated = look there that guy's a moffie because it says gay speak on his screen)

I blew it. Grabbed hold of the fork, stood up, turned round and very loudly said you got a problem with me?

He was clever enough to stay seated, his fat fuck of a wife / girlfriend / whatever did the whole sorry thing and things returned to normal.

I moved table, asked the little black waitress to please bring me my pudding ( supposed to serve yourself) finished up, paid and left

Came home took a double dose of myprodol & slept

There is no doubt in my mind, if that ok had got up, I would have laid into his face with the fork....

Why can't I get a grip on this? why is my first response instintivley the violent solution? why can't I ignore confrontation?

The guy was a nothing, a dumb ignorant "dutchman" (slang for a common uneducated africkaaner) trying to get brownie points from his party... Not even worth the effort.... I get that...

Anyhow it royally fucked up my day, and now I sit with the guilt....

Oh hell...

[Matty71]

Sounds bad. How rude of him!

I cannot offer much advice on controlling violent behavior except for simply ignoring the problem (In this case, the Dutchman) altogether if possible. I ignore a lot of shit, it's really the only way to get through life unscathed, it seems.

[mbennet35]

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks how some people are so rude. One thing is that you feel bad for your reaction which means you care enough about yourself to change. Don't beat yourself up to bad it takes time to kill bad habits.

[southbiochem]

Ok, risking to sound stupid seeming how I'm 30 years younger than you. Also, you don't know me at all...oh well

You didn't hit the guy....so that's something. It's also very commendable that you are reflexing about it and saying "I didn't act well". That's a mature evaluation of previous behaviour that's expected from someone of your years. You paid the bill and left the place. Rater than continuing the issue you saw to end it. That's self-restrain If I ever heard of it.

Don't beat yourself up too much. I would make a wild guess (I don't now your life story) but things had to been very different in your youth than it is for todays youth, hence, a systematic self-defense behaviour, the need to violently react towards an aggression to your person, specially about your homosexualty, and very much specially in the form of derogatory words like "moffie" is not something "off the charts".

You seem to know better now an that's whats matters.


P.S: Dear God I wish I have these outbursts. I have the violence definitely but no the body type height or size to excercize it. I juts had to endure quietly whatever crap has been thrown at me because I can't do a single things about it.

[jimcrackcorn]

There's no way of avoiding those sort of pricks. Whether you stayed quiet or stood up to that imbecile - it still would have ruined your day.

A couple months back, I went out to lunch with some friends and had a stranger come up to me while I was walking to my car and said " hope you enjoyed your meal Mr. Chick-fil-A"... He then turned and quickly walked to his car before I could even figure out what the guy had meant. I realize after he was in his car, that he had insulted me, and it was to late for me to stop him and question his motives for saying what he did. I was mad as hell and it ruined my day.

There are a lot of dumb, ignorant, loud-mouths running around just waiting to ruin someone's day. In my experience, they are always cowardly and will shut their pie-hole when challenged, or they will run away like the one I recently had the displeasure of crossing paths with.

It would give me great pleasure to stomp some of these nut-jobs into the ground, but the outcome would be me setting in a jail cell while the other guy runs free.

In your case, you made that snoopy idiot look like a sniveling fool,,,, and then left it at that - without escalating the situation. You did good.

Jim

[tavi]

Hey

Well, you did the right thing by not doing any more, because if you did, something could happen and we would not have you here at gayspeak and you would be sorely missed

Though maybe that guy will think twice in the future about how he choose to behave, though maybe not, these people never learn, he just punched above his weight this time with our duck.

[trialbyerror]

Hey

Well, you did the right thing by not doing any more, because if you did, something could happen and we would not have you here at gayspeak and you would be sorely missed

Though maybe that guy will think twice in the future about how he choose to behave, though maybe not, these people never learn, he just punched above his weight this time with our duck.

Thanks Tavi,

But did I?

I already had weapon in hand, and had already mentally targeted his eyes.

Had I done exactly the same thing without going for a weapon first, Then I could accept I had myself under control..

I know there are better ways to handle conflict, I don't instantly "look" for them, and by the time I get a handle on things, violence is already part of the equation.

At my age, that is unacceptable behavior, and 2 wrongs do not = right.

Anyhow, today has turned out to be quite good, I'm putting it behind & starting again....

[tavi]

I understand, i can turn to anger quickly, if i feel threatened, i always go to grab something too, esp if there much bigger than me, whatevers at hand, a fork, toaster, if you wrap the lead around your hand, it makes a nice swinging weapon

Im glad your putting it behind you now at least.