Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Am I jealous of my '"step daughter"

[btmsup4u]

Hello gents,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my post and respond. I normally do not do this sort of thing but have an issue tearing away at my conscience and I worry there is something wrong with me. I need some help determining whether or not my feelings are justified or not and some suggested course of action to help remediate the situation in the most pleasant way for all.

First thing, I am very happily married. So much so that I generally do not have any other issues in the relationship therefore I never have the need to seek anyone's input. I love this man more than anything, ever, and am fairly confident he feels similarly. In a nutshell, we've known each other since 1973 and were best friends for many years. There was never any romance between us because he was 'straight" at the time and I did not have interest in him in that way because of other issues but we ended up together in 2002, it's a very long complicated story and we basically were meant to be together.

In 2011 his younger sister passed away unexpectedly while we were on holiday in England where I am from originally. It totally broke him up and never saw saw him so distraught over anything before. She left two kids behind, an older son and younger daughter who was just a toddler when he and I ended up getting involved. He loves both of them like his own (which he's got 5 of that he never sees, also a long story) and he's great with kids. He had several disagreements with his sister about the way she was raising them and often wished he could look after them. Well, wish came true! She left no sort of legal paperwork at the time of death because again, it was very sudden and unexpected. The family ended up agreeing that the older son would go live with (hubby's) first cousin and her family because they have a son who is about the same age and they get along. Meanwhile her younger daughter ended up in our care. I love her, she's a great kid, and he's done well patching some of the messy parenting his sister left behind.

Here is the problem. Uncle is very paternal and inadvertently puts her first in many ways. I say inadvertently because I know he doesn't mean to put me second. He's very protective of her. He's very protective of me, as well. At least one of my friends thinks too much so and that he smothers me but I cannot disagree more on that one.

Well. shes's starting to get older now. She's not his little princess who used to come for sleepovers with her rolling Dora the Explorer luggage and have uncle give bath time with candy scented shampoo and such that was kept here for when she stayed over. She's quickly growing up and becoming a young woman so for the first time since she moved in with us, she went away this summer with her friends to a summer camp and we were alone. In the last year or two we struggled to adapt to having a young person living with us. Mind you I have an adult daughter who lived with us for a time in the beginning but she was in college and was often out of the house. It became very hard to manage our relationship with the young lady here.

We have, a great sex life. GREAT sex life. I've been around and it's the best sex ever, probably because I am totally in love with this man, I was never in love like this before in my life. So it put a big damper on our sex life because she was always here and we had to cut out like 80% of what we were used to. Amorous, spontaneous sex.. any time any place in the house. And noise level has been an issue the rest of the time. It felt like were doing great getting over that and finding new ways to coexist... until this summer.

It reopened that channel in our relationship and we were starting to get busy pretty much every day, sometimes more than once a day. In the kitchen, in the bathroom, making as much noise as we needed.

She just came home on Monday and already I am feeling very locked down by it and frustrated. It spoiled me having him all to myself all summer and I ashamed to admit I feel mildly jealous or resentful of having her here again like I did in the beginning. It was different at first because they were both still grieving over the death and they needed each other to heal. So I thought we were over that but here I am feeling like I need to compete once more for his attention. I can't tell if it's just the lack of freedom I am having a hard time dealing with or if actually feel like I am competing for attention. Again, it makes me out to sound very selfish because she is a great kid and goodness knows she has been through A LOT with losing both her parents. She was too young to remember losing her father so... it makes me feel bad for feeling this way.

I can't wait to move out of the city and get a house at the beach or somewhere more quiet but he's made that clear we ain't going anywhere until she's out on her own and done school. My daughter helps out sometimes, like if we really need some alone time either he or myself will arrange for her to take his niece out for a while and his cousin also has her come sleep over there on Saturday nights during the school year so he and I can have date night which was the first attempt to make more "us" time when it was becoming a problem not having any. It has helped a lot. I just realize how stifled our sex life still is even with those provisions.

What do you make of the situation? If you were me how would you go about remedying it? Am I wrong for feeling this way? He's pretty stubborn when it comes to her needs so I usually keep my mouth shut and just swallow my feelings on the matter because I don't want to piss him off, also because I am not sure that I am right for feeling as I do so I don't feel like I have a right to say anything about it. Like today, he spent the day with her. He took her grocery shopping with him and all that and I was very much in a romantic mood when I woke up and they got home and i couldn't even attempt anything because he was so busy. Making dinner and all that and then he fell asleep early so... am *really* anxious for school to begin so life pretty much shuts down by 10 or 11 since she's asleep and they both get up at dawn and he has dinner done and ready by the time she gets home in the afternoon.



Thank you again for taking the time to read this, I know it is very lengthy. Thorough explanation was warranted however, to illustrate the circumstances clearly.

[tavi]

Hi btmsup4u

Its understandable the way you feel but there doesnt seem to be a whole lot you can do about it, since you are her guardians, just enjoy those times you do have together as im sure your not the first couple to experience this and by the sounds of it hes still pretty crazy for you too. Maybe to spice things up try some outdoor fun? :p

[btmsup4u]

Hi btmsup4u

Its understandable the way you feel but there doesnt seem to be a whole lot you can do about it, since you are her guardians, just enjoy those times you do have together as im sure your not the first couple to experience this and by the sounds of it hes still pretty crazy for you too. Maybe to spice things up try some outdoor fun? :p

Oh, believe me, when I say anytime anywhere I mean it. also I most certainly appreciate your suggestion about utilizing outdoor space. Have you ever been to Brooklyn? Granted our house does have some private outdoor space like a fenced-in yard and private drive and I own the garages that we share with a few of the neighbouring tenants, we still do not have 100% private space unless we are in the garage with the door closed. We definitely use the garage a lot more with his niece here. I don't mind either because I have a little bit of a motour fetish so it kind of turns me of have power tools, an air compressor and smell of diesel around me while getting taken advantage of. So in essence, yes, we have experimented with outside. When we still had a small swimming pool in our yard we could mess around with the lights off. I guess now that I've got a tiki bar we could hide in there! I've had at least one friend suggest I include a glory hole in my design

This is why I have come to love our time down the shore. Very large, clean, dark beach when there is no moon. You can't see the next people sitting 15 yards down from you. I grew up in the country and we did try that out once but we went too deep into the country and it just wasn't working. We are too impulsive and spoiled om having everywhere we need 10 minutes away at 2 am if need be so we came back to the city. A house with lots of open space, preferably with lots of trees is on my to-do list for sure. Unfortunately that won't help us now since we won't be moving until she's gone. By then the problem will be solved.

I got into a huge fight yesterday about it because I never can learn to keep my mouth shut when I know I should and I said what was on my mind. There really isn't recourse, as you said. We just have to continue finding ways to co-exist and work around it. My discomfort lies in that she is now old enough to think and make judgments and not just think, but think in an adult way. So she will be able to figure out what is going on if she hears anything or we disappear for any length of time and it's a little uncomfortable for me. Just the idea that she will know *something* about our sex life. Living under one roof makes it nearly impossible to hide everything.

I just wish there was a way to turn off that paternal gear or turn it down slightly. I;m afraid that sooner or later I'll end up clocking him if I get frustrated enough and trying to and cannot. Like punching a tv when it won't come in clearly (you youngins don't understand that sort of thing). He did make one good point that he thinks if anything, that damper on our sex life might actually help keep it elevated since we then have more to look forward to. I got angry thinking he was saying he's getting bored with me.